Post # 1
Ok, a little summary of the past. I have had three boyfriends before I married my husband. I was his first. Prior to marrying him, I had great relationships with my exes and do send each other the occasional ‘how’s life?’ messages on Facebook.
After we got married, my husband made me block all of my exes of my Facebook. There was no room for negotiation. I didn’t want to because I felt that if they were still willing to be friendly with me after I broke up with them, why not remain friends? I felt really horrible to cut off all ties with them at my husband’s insistance but out of respect for him, I did just that.
TO THE PRESENT…. an old friend of mine has recently chatted up with me again on Facebook. He admitted that he used to like me 10 years ago and regretted never asking me out. We laughed it off. Now my husband wants me to block this guy as well! He says this guy is an asshole who is trying something funny with mebecause he wouldnt admit it to me if he wasn’t…But seriously??? I think its totally harmless and for god’s sake my wedding photos are all over my profile page.
We had a huge blow out yesterday about me putting other men before his feelings (because I don’t immediately do as he says and delete these ‘potential threats’ of my Facebook)…
Now of course I put my husband priority over others, but it really isn’t fair that I lose so many friendships for what I think is no good reason at all. Can you please tell us if I am too insensitive to his feelings or is he being an insecure twat??? Be honest and I wont be hurt at the comments… I just want to solve this ongoing problem with my husband..
Thanks for your input Bees!
Post # 3
I think it’s important to put your husband first but this is going a bit too far. You deleted the exes which seems reasonable, but are you supposed to cut out every person who ever looks at you wrong? Hopefully he’ll come around once he cools down a bit.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
If I was contacted by someone I hadn’t talked to in 10 years and they told me they used to like me, I would think they were flirting with me. I think your husband is somewhat justified in being uncomfortable with you talking to this guy. IMO, there’s no point in talking to him – your life has been just fine without him in it for the last 10 years. I wouldn’t want my Fiance fb chatting with a girl that came on to him. In a way, I kind of feel like it’s just asking for trouble.
ETA: I think I read your post wrong. Sounds like this guy is a current friend of yours that admitted he had old feelings for you. In this case, it complicates things a bit more. I would probably tell my husband that I don’t see a point in blocking him, but I would keep my 1-on-1 interactions with him at a minimum.
Post # 5
Is your husband insecure? Okay, maybe. I’ll allow that. I just know that it wasn’t worth an argument. You should have just deleted him.
But no one ever agrees with me on these threads.
Post # 6
Well… he’s being insecure, AND you’re being insensitive. So nobody wins the fight! Yay!
For real though, you know that he has this insecurity about other men expressing desire towards you. You don’t know where it comes from. He might be worried they’re going to try to force an unwelcome pass. He may worry that you may have a big fight and then be driven to do something he won’t be able to forgive. He may just straight up worry that you are out of his league and that your desires may stray. It’s not possible to tell from your post where his emotions are coming from, but you know he has them. He’s hardly the first person in a relationship who finds that keeping your exes around is unacceptable. I’m not saying I agree (I don’t.) but it’s how he feels, and it’s how a lot of men and women feel. You need to either set clear boundries with your friends. “Hey, just so we’re all on the same page, if any of you have or have eve harbored attration to me, don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear about it. I chose the person I want to live my life with, and I have no regrets about that, and honestly, it will just make me feel uncomfortable about it.” Or you are going to need to sit down with him and figure out what it really is about these people’s atteaction to you that has him feeling like they are a threat.
Post # 7
Why doesn’t he trust you? Sorry but this would get real old real quick if it were my guy.
Post # 8
I think this all depends on a couple things –
Would you be upset if the situation were reversed?
Does your husband have any other reason to consider him a threat? Do you see this guy from time to time or is he a family friend or a millionaire celebrity or anything like that that would cause insecurity about you falling for him instead?
I would be upset if I were your husband, too, but I am chronically insecure (and recognize that) so I would kind of establish this foundation if I were in this situation. If the girl was present in our lives, and was in any way something I considered a threat, I would request that he block her as well. If she had moved to Missouri and was the weird kid in high school he just had a kind heart for, I’d laugh it off and call it a day.
ETA: Upon further reflection, I don’t think I’d ask him to block her on the first instance of this. I think I would express my displeasure that this conversation happened, and my uncomfortableness with this person, and kind of let it be …. if he didn’t block her on that occasion, I would trust that he would if she said something flirtatious like that again.
Post # 9
EXACTLY… Its starting to get really old really fast and I feel so annoyed at what I believe is his insecurity… He thinks I have more potential to cheat compared to him because I had boyfriends before him while he has no exes….
Post # 10
I think you’re both a little bit wrong. He is certainly acting really immature and controlling for no good reason, but you’re also not exactly trying to understand his feelings either.
It’s not like you’re hiding anything… and it’s not like you’re going to jump into bed with these guys.
Then again, affairs have started over stuff like this, and is there a reason why you need to be friends with exes? There so many other fish in the sea you could be friends with. Does he forbid casual contact with ALL males or just exes?
Post # 11
IMO there is no easy answer to this. You don’t want to jump in his face and call him an insecure little b-word ( althought it might relieve some tension jk) but you also don’t want to keep being passive about this. What happens if a guy on the street winks at your or looks twice, your husband needs to know that you chose him for a reason and no outside factors matter.
To me there is a difference between the ex’s and this new old friend. IF he is not comfortable with someone that knows you intimately and you may have secrets or whatever, thats understandable, but, if you were hot enough to pull your husband he he realize that he was not the only guy to ever look at you and get a little weak in the knees. He needs to be realistic.
My advice is to proceed with caution. Try to talk down to the root of the cause. Maybe he is insecure that someone else may have been a better lover? maybe he compares your ex’s and thinks they may e more attractive? for any reason, once you find the real reason you can work to dispel his fear. But do not be controlled and do not talk to this new guy all the time.
Post # 12
He rarely backs down. Usually we make up because I give in to his demands.
Post # 13
I think he is being insecure. There is no reason to “block” them, that’s just rude when they haven’t done anything wrong. It is one thing to put your husband first and another to give in to unreasonable demands.
Post # 14
Of course my husband is way more important than a guy i chat with maybe once a year. If it was something really serious (like if the guy was actively trying to break us up) I’d definitely block his ass of my FB. But the truth is, I don’t think so!
I would do it too! I had a huge crush on a guy 12 years ago but never told him. If I met him again I might mention it. It doesn’t mean I have feeling for him now, but wouldn’t it make that guy feel happy knowing that smeone used to like him? Does this make sense or am I a potential homewrecker too?
Post # 15
is having this fight over a guy from ten years ago really worth it?mthis is why fb is top among reason or issues relating to divorce!! Thank The Lord my DH doesn’t have fb. We agree no talking at all to any ex’s and no opposite sex friends. He is my best friend so I’m not worried about anyone else’s feelings. Maybe your DH is being insecure but you should be helping him feel secure not fighting over some guy from ten years ago….
Post # 16
I think him insisting you block them is rather controlling, and I would never agree to that. Definately seems to stem from his own insecurity.
Being friends with exes.. that is tricky. I am friends with one of my exes, and we hang out on our own sometimes, but there is absolutely nothing going on, and my husband and him have become friends over the years since my introducing them. (The friend/ex participates in a sport we all are involved with: rock climbing).
In a lot of cases though being friendly with an ex can be a thin line to walk. Proceed with caution!
My husband is still online friends with a couple exes of his. One he never talks to and the other they only rarely comment on one anothers posts and she is married with a kid now. I don’t feel threatened, and I have never met them. I know our relationship is solid.
Had he continued to be friends with one particular ex that I know of who was nutso I would have been pissed. No way would I have stood for that!
Proceed with caution!