(Closed) Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please vote if......
    I am insensitive to his feelings and should delete the guy immediately : (68 votes)
    22 %
    He is insecure therefore is trying to be controlling : (223 votes)
    72 %
    Other- Please explain : (17 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    888 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    when I was more immature, pathetically enough I once demanded my SO delete his crushes off facebook (we are each others’ firsts so, no exes otherwise haha). he said he’d rather delete his whole facebook, if it meant that much to me, but he wouldn’t delete these specific girls who he had nothing against, and who he was very much over anyway.

    if I can trust him not to cheat with any of the current people he knows, why are the people in the past (who are further away with less contact!) more dangerous?

    and I realized I was being way too controlling and sensitive. nothing inappropriate was going on, and I just had to trust him.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2868 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Chrissy26:  If she caters to all his insecure whims and he never backs down, where does it end? Will he one day forbid her from hanging out with female friends because they might run into some guys?

    Post # 20
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I think it really depends on how you interacted with your exes while dating/being with your husband, whether you had previous arguments with your husband regarding your exes, how you and your husband handled those “arguments”, etc.

    I had similar experience with my Fiance, in that I eventually asked Fiance to not mention his ex.

    However, our situation was as such:

    When Fiance and I just started dating, he casually told me things  about his ex, such as what she said to him, what he did with her, what they did together etc.

    She was his first long term relationship. Fiance was/is my first and only serious relationship.

    I constantly reminded me to not tell me stories of her, because it makes me feel terrible, and makes me compare myself to her, and wonder stupid stuff like “did he do this with her too?” and “there is no first for him”.  I was very bitter, because time and time again, I felt that while everything we said/did/shared was so precious and special to me because everything was a first for me, to my Fiance, it was one of those “been there done it” – esp when he didn’t want to celebrate valentine’s day and I found out later that he and his ex used to buy each other stuff and write each other cards for V-day.

    Then I found female products lying around his bathroom, found a whole mound of love letters and cards she wrote to him while cleaning the house with him, saw a whole bunch of pictures of her on his personal website (though very casual ones along with general pics) – and at some point, Fiance even told me “I saw that my ex got a new bf on FB, and it made me sad”.

    Of course, when I constantly came to tears and told him that it hurts me very badly, that he is inevitably making me feel horrible by leading me to compare myself to her, etc, all he would say is that he has no feelings for her and that I’m the only one for him.

    However, when things happen to you over and over again, wounds don’t heal properly.  No mater how many times he tells you that “you are the only one”, you start doubting those words, and you are reminded of past things when a new thing happens.

    One good thing was that we both decided to get rid of our FBs in the beginning of our relationship – so the whole ordeal of “contacting (or stalking) an ex” was gone.

    But eventually, it came to the point where I had nightmares of this ex of his – and I’ve never even met her. It was as if I was being haunted by her shadow, and it was killing me inside.  I just couldn’t get her out of my stinking head. Fiance had made enough mistakes that his ex became a part of our relationship, in a very negative, weird way.

    No doubt, I love my Fiance and he loves me very much – but the simple mistakes he made in the beginning of our relationship (which he thought nothing of – he was coming out of his first long term relationship and he didn’t know how to end it, sweep it aside, and start a new relationship on a clean slate.  And I of course, did not understand why or how he could leave those things around for me to see so plainly, say those kinds of words to me – especially because I have never experienced a proper relationship before meeting him) scarred me so badly that it took me a very very long time to get over with.

    After we got engaged, Fiance took his time to organize all of his pictures (on his computer), so that I won’t need to see any pics of him and his ex.  They’ve dated for 4-5 years, so there were tons of pictures of them traveling together, etc – but he took his time to organize them and tuck them away – because he understood how much it hurt me before.

    Now he understands me more, and I am more understanding of him.

    He apologized for hurting me and making me cry from his insensitive mistakes, and I apologized for not being able to understand and accept his previous relationship.

     

    But I think it worked out for us because there was that mutual understanding and apology.

    Had Fiance pushed the whole “hey, she’s my past and i got no feelings for her, so get over it. I’m going to continue exactly the way I’ve been, even though it hurts you.”, I would’ve left him, and left him with full of scars.

    Post # 21
    Member
    2664 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

    @azzie17:  I would never let anyone try to stop me from being friends with someone, end of story. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    302 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    what next- your husband going to make you quit your job because a male coworker compliments your hair? your husband is being OUTRAGEOUSLY ridiculous!!

    Post # 23
    Member
    859 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @azzie17:  ehhhh sorry to be blunt but I think im more on your husbands side. Especially after reading your comment about telling a guy you crushed on 12 years ago you liked him to make him feel good. I don’t think the telling him part is wrong, but I feel like it kinda revealed that you are willing to stroke some random dude’s ego but not the ego of the man you married. I’m not saying you constantly have to ego stroke. I’m just saying I would really examine your intentions…

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    1603 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @azzie17:  a little bit of both. There is literally NO reason for a friend to say they had a “crush” on you, now or ever, if you’re married.

    BUT. Your husband seems to take such a hard and non negotiable stance, it seems a little unreasonable. 

    I would do whatever I could to make my SO feel secure and happy, and he would do the same. So I think the reasons BEHIND his demands need to be addressed, whatever they may be. You shouldn’t have to block every man you’ve ever met, that’s for sure. But I don’t think him asking you to draw a line with  inappropriate  behaviors and comments is out of line either. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    1379 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @azzie17:  You said he made you delete them after you got married. Was he fine with you being friends with them before marriage. I hope it’s not true, but I’m wondering if he was playing the part of the “cool” Boyfriend or Best Friend before marriage and is now letting his true colors show.

     @mrspinesol:  +100000

    Post # 29
    Member
    1228 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    You need to be very, very, very honest with yourself about what these friendships are giving you, on facebook and in real life.  You obviously aren’t going to cheat, but if there’s any element of flirting, any enjoyment of male company that makes you feel attractive and flattered, then I understand why your husband is unfomfortable.  If these friendships are completely sexless then maybe you can explain that to your husband?

    (BTW, I think being friends after *you* break up with *them*, has a lot of potential to be flattering.   Exes are people who find you attractive and could possibly still want you.  Their presence can be an ego boost.) 

    Post # 30
    Member
    558 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I personally am really uncomfortable with any romantic partner telling me who I can and cannot be friends with.  It pings as really controlling and says really unflattering things about said partner’s opinion of your ability to be faithful and honest.  If it were me, I would have a long sit-down with your husband and talk this out — why is he so afraid of you having friends that you used to date?  Why is someone having an attraction to you so aggregious that you can’t speak to them anymore?  Is this limited to men only, or if a girl you know has a crush on you, is she no longer allowed in your social circle?  You get my drift.  It’s something you two need to talk about, because he’s insecure about you and you’re going to resent him for putting limits on your social life.  

    So in short: communicate more.  Find out why he’s so insecure and has a jealous streak.  Be sensitive to it, but assert your needs as a person with a lot of connections in the world.  You both need to agree on your boundaries, or else he’s just controlling and you will chafe about it, or you’re going to ride roughshod over him and he’ll be angry about it.  So talk it out, come to mutually agreed upon terms, and if you can’t sort it, get a third party to mediate and help deal with the problems, ideally a counsellor.  It can’t hurt, in the end, and it means you two will understand one another better for it, rather than just pretending it’s a non-issue when it clearly is for both of you.

    Post # 31
    Member
    3863 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I agree with you 100%. I don’t see why the interaction was inappropriate in any way. I think he feels threatened by the fact that you have more experience than him. This is his problem, not yours.

    The topic ‘Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?’ is closed to new replies.

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