(Closed) Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please vote if......
    I am insensitive to his feelings and should delete the guy immediately : (68 votes)
    22 %
    He is insecure therefore is trying to be controlling : (223 votes)
    72 %
    Other- Please explain : (17 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    181 posts
    Blushing bee

    Hes being a little sensetive (with the blocking and all)  but it kinda seems like you are baiting him or like the drama a bit.
    First you said the communication with the ex’s is an occasional “hows life” thing then you said its not fair that youre losing friendships for no good reason at all. Those arent friendships.

    Post # 34
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Your husband sounds really controlling. I’m friends with my ex on facebook as well as ex-crushes, etc. I would really not be ok with my husband dictating who I can and can’t be friends with on facebook. That would not sit well with me AT ALL. Is your husband controlling in other ways?

    Post # 37
    Member
    4047 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    He seems insecure, yes. Has he been cheated on before? Is there a reason he is so paranoid?

    I would still stop contact with this old friend just to end that specific spat, but then I’d take some time to address the bigger issue of why your husband is demanding these things. What is it stirring up in him? I’d be afraid it would continue to escalate and become more controlling.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1161 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @azzie17:  I have a friend who’s Fiance is like this, it makes me furious. These guys aren’t “trying anything funny” by either sitting on her FB page or with the occassional short message. Hell, she even moved a days travel away from all her friends, family and exes to be with just him all alone. Ugh.

    She actually did her deb with one of her exes, and he refuses to let her have the photos in the house, let alone on the wall. They sit in their garage now, because he hates seeing this boys face (yes, we were just 16 at the time…)

    To me it screams insecurity and while that’s okay, and his feelings need to be heard, you need to discuss this with him in depth because this could get worse over time.

     

    ETA: about this seeping into more than exes – I would be livid. Every guy who ever had a crush on you is nt allowed to contact you? Are you going to turn into Rupunzel?

    Post # 40
    Member
    1379 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @azzie17:  Ugh, this feels like a bait-and-switch that he suddenly started making these demands after marriage. Like he has you now so he can do whatever he wants. I think you should address this issue pronto, preferrably with a counselor.

    Post # 41
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I get pretty irritable with Darling Husband when he pulls stuff like this – he used to try to fairly often and get suspicious, though he’s calmed down a lot over time… but I also pick my battles. I only fight to maintain a connection with people who are important to me (who are pretty few honestly) and anyone I wouldn’t miss too much I just delete if he wants as a show of good faith. So… I guess there’s a middle ground.

    Post # 42
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @azzie17:  I think how to handle situations like yours depend largely on the dynamic of your relationship. I can really see this from both sides. An ex-bf of mine, lets call him S, was very buddy-buddy with a girl. I told him that it was making me uncomfortable and repeatedly asked if there was something going on and if he would back off communicating with her. He refused to interact with her less and kept calling me “crazy” and “psychotic” for even thinking about him being involved with her. Eventually he did admit to me that he had feelings for her and said “well I guess we should break up.” During this time she was also revealed to be pregnant and some people thought it may have been his. Clearly I was right for not trusting S. 

     

    In my relationship with Fiance now, the dynamic is very different because I trust him 100%. He had a bit of a messy break up a year or two before we met. His ex would sometimes call him. He usually would say he’d just ignore the calls, but I actually encouraged him to answer to at least make sure she was okay. I wouldn’t have done that with S. There are a few guys that I dated years ago that I am still friends with now. I was actually supposed to get coffee with one of them last week but the schedules got mixed up. I talked to Fiance about it first to see if that would make him uncomfortable, but he just said “nope, I trust you.” Obviously I wouldn’t do anything unfaithful. 

     

    So while I understand why your husband is concerned about these types of communication, I also understand that you can maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and have it remain strictly platonic. I’d just sit down with him and calmly discuss the matter. Don’t use words like “crazy” or “psychotic” because they are condescending. I’d just be like, “Husband, I love you so much. I want you to trust me and for you to know that I would never do anything unfaithful toward you. I don’t think it’s fair though, that you are telling me I can’t communicate with my friends of the opposite sex. Is there any way that we could compromise on this?” You could even offer to give him your password if that would give him peace of mind (and you wouldn’t feel violated by it)

    Post # 43
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @azzie17:  

    I can’t be punished for things that happen way before we even met.

    I agree 100% that you should not be guilt-tripped by your past.  However, I don’t think it’s necessary to see this situation as a “punishment”, though I can see how you can feel as if it is one, especially if you “resent” your DH’s behavior.  

    I really believe that you need to try to understand how, where, and why his insecurity is arising, instead of stamping him as “insecure”, “jealous”, and “crazy”.  I read in one of your replies that you and your Darling Husband used to hang out with your exes together while dating – perhaps he saw why you used to date them, some old friendly (not necessarily romantic, but pleasant) sparks…or perhaps you and your exes fondly talked of your past relationship with your Darling Husband there.  All those things are very hard to swallow for a person who has never dated/never had any serious relationship before.  I am not saying that that’s the reason why you should “obey” your DH’s orders, but I am suggesting that you should try to give him some extra room of understanding for his situation.

    As some PPs say, I can also see both sides in this situation, and I also know how hard it is for two people from completely different relatonship history to fully understand each other in each other’s shoes.  Actually, it’s impossible to “fully” understand, but for the sake of love and marriage, we should at least try – which is what Fiance and I did eventually.

     

    Try to sit your Darling Husband down and have a long, good, honest talk with him.  Let him know that he is the only one, that you married him because you love him and not your exes – comfort him with your love, instead of accusing him of not trusting you.  Ask him why he came to resent your exes so much and why he feels uncomfortable raising children with your exes in your life. Hopefully he will let you know his feelings and why and how he came to be, and hopefully you will be understanding of his situation – and vise versa.

    I really do not think there is a correct answer to this sort of relationship issues, other than the fact that one should try to be understanding and accommodating for one other, so the SO won’t be hurt by avoidable situations.

    What I find it hard to accept sometimes is that, if me having previous relationships bothered my husband so much, then why pick me to be his wife? 

     

    This actually bothered me a bit, so I will comment: you cannot accuse the man for marrying the woman he loves.  It is possible that your previous relationships bothered him before (while dating), but he came to think more seriously of it after beng married, after seeing how you interact with them in the previous hangouts.  If anything, I have to ask you, why did you marry your Darling Husband if you are so unwilling to even think of a compromised solution with him and go straight to resenting his behavior?  Just as you said, not everything goes the way you want, not everything goes the way you like – this seems to be the big and first issue you are experiencing in your marriage with your Darling Husband, so I really hope this event will become  a big milestone in you and your DH’s relationship to becoming stronger and tighter.

    It really doesn’t have to end in obedience and arguments. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Hired hall

    As someone who can be insecure from time to time, I get your husband being upset at some guy saying that to you. However, there is a girl at my FI’s work that messages him a lot and we’re both pretty sure she’s interested in him, but he is open with me about when she texts him and we laugh about it together, and I wouldn’t expect him to delete her details just because she has a crush. After all, it’s not how she feels that matters, so long as Fiance is loyal to me then it’s moot! I would suggest sitting down with your husband and explaining to him that just because this guy used to have a crush on you doesn’t mean you would ever go there, and say that you are completely loyal to him but it seems a bit disrespectful that he’s not treating you with trust. But I would also suggest doing it at a time when neither of you are wound up, when you are both relaxed and not making an issue of anything, as it’s something to work on together certainly but if it escalated to a fight it could make the situation worse. 

    Post # 46
    Member
    2480 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    It’s controlling, it is insecure and it is downright wrong to insist anyone blocks anyone from Facebook on the basis that you were once involved with them. If my Darling Husband had made such a request then, quite frankly, he’d never have got as far as being my DH!

    However, I do think it is worth being a little sensitive so far as the type of conversations you have with an ex if you know they have difficulty dealing with your previous relationships. Which means avoiding the sort of flirty conversations that could be misunderstood. 

    I’m the least jealous person in the world and so is my Darling Husband but we tend to work on the simple rule that any online conversations should be couched in words that you’d be perfectly happy to have in a face to face discussion in the company of your SO. 

    But ultimately, demands have no place in a marriage or any other committed relationship. Let alone emotional blackmail of the type your Darling Husband seems to engage in. It is not for you to have to constantly give in to your husband’s insecurities. This is a problem he needs to work on. If necessary by getting counselling.

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