(Closed) Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please vote if......
    I am insensitive to his feelings and should delete the guy immediately : (68 votes)
    22 %
    He is insecure therefore is trying to be controlling : (223 votes)
    72 %
    Other- Please explain : (17 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 47
    Member
    2530 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think it depends on what your relationship on FB was like with these guys. If you were talking lots and regularly communicating then I can see his concern. However, if they were just on your list as friends that you very rarely talk to then I think he was being way too insecure. I think next time he asks you to delete someone then tell him he needs to remove someone from his list!

    Post # 48
    Member
    1841 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    “…give in to his demands.”  OP, are you a wife or a hostage? I’ve lived like that before, and it’s no fun. And it only gets worse. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @azzie17:  TO THE PRESENT…. an old friend of mine has recently chatted up with me again on Facebook. He admitted that he used to like me 10 years ago and regretted never asking me out. We laughed it off. Now my husband wants me to block this guy as well! He says this guy is an asshole who is trying something funny with mebecause he wouldnt admit it to me if he wasn’t…But seriously??? I think its totally harmless and for god’s sake my wedding photos are all over my profile page.

    If I were in this situation, I would unfriend this person from FB and avoid any interaction with him. You may see it as harmless, but you do not really know this other person and what his intentions are.
     
    He is being slightly insecure about your exes, I suppose, but I don’t really see a reason for you to keep them in your life either. So the way I see it, he is being insecure, but you are also being insensitive.

    Post # 50
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Redholix:  After we got engaged, Fiance took his time to organize all of his pictures (on his computer), so that I won’t need to see any pics of him and his ex.  They’ve dated for 4-5 years, so there were tons of pictures of them traveling together, etc – but he took his time to organize them and tuck them away – because he understood how much it hurt me before.

     
    Sorry to thread-hijack… but I’m quite surprised that you’re okay with him keeping these photos, particularly when he fully knows how much they upset you in the past. I mean, why does he need to keep them? The fact that he carefully organised them and put them on his computer (for easy access, so that he can look at them whenever he wants to), makes it worse, IMO. I’m just very surprised that you’re okay with this. And he’s kept those cards and letters as well? Sorry, but I think it’s inappropriate and disrecpectful to you. Realistically speaking, in what scenario is he ever going to need those things? If my Fiance had kept stuff like that, it would make me think that he wasn’t over his ex.
     
    When Fiance and I moved in together, he got rid of all his photos of exes (the only ones he kept were a handful of group shots with his friends), because I made it clear that I do not think it’s appropriate to keep such things when you are in a serious relationship and planning on marrying someone else. Cards and notes etc. he got rid of before he even met me, because he didn’t want to keep them. I also got rid of any ex-related stuff before I met my Fiance, and it wouldn’t even occur to me to bring them into the home I share with my Fiance.

    Post # 51
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @azzie17: This doesn’t strike me as the sort of reasonable behavior that you can or should just “placate.” I think that if your marriage is worth fighting for, you should fight for it by working through the root issue with your husband rather than just giving in because you’re seeing a nasty side of him that maybe you don’t like so much. “Just giving in” leads to resentment, bitterness, unhealthy power balances in relationships, and lack of true communication…without fixing the foundational issue, which is your husband’s lack of trust in you and his unwillingness to truly listen to your perspective. It’s not so much the request that bothers me (though that does bother me) but the emotional manipulation that your husband is using to control your behavior that I find most alarming. That is a red flag IMO. If he approached you and said “hey honey, my previous girlfriend was facebook friends with her ex and they used facebook to plan their trysts and while I know that you are faithful to me, seeing you interact with so-and-so on facebook is somewhat triggering for me. Let’s talk about that” then this would be a whole different story. Instead, he seems to more or less be saying “if you want this marriage to work, if you don’t want me to have a tantrum at you, you will do as I say and if you don’t do as I say, it will be your fault if our marriage goes down the tubes.” Not only is his approach extremely unfair to you, it is damaging to your relationship because it is sending the message that his needs matter more than yours.

    Something that I’ve learned the hard way: the goal of marriage should absolutely not be to “keep the peace” and if you are thinking in those terms, there is something very wrong. It’s for both of you to work together to honor each other’s needs and wishes as best you can, and create a safe space in which you are both heard. Your husband is leaving you out of the equation entirely, and you are doing yourself a disservice if you just back down on this for the sake of keeping the peace–not just for yourself, but for your marriage as a whole.

    Post # 52
    Member
    843 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @MaryKay14:  

    This exactly. I’m with the husband. An ex, or anyone really, you message in fb once or twice a year is not a “friend”.

    Post # 53
    Member
    7130 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @azzie17:  I just couldn’t be in a marriage like that. I can MAYBE understand his insecurity, but to the point of blocking these people who are not in any way interfearing in your realtionship? That is just silly. My biggest issue is that how far will he take it? Right now it’s blocking EX’s, and even a guy who told you that he used to have a crush on you. What will you do when he decides that every guy your friends with is a potential threat and you’re now deleting them all…or better yet you’re whole facebook? What happens when he starts telling you you can’t hang out with certain people? I just don’t feel it’s fair that you should be punished for having a life before your Darling Husband – it’s not your fault he didn’t have any relationships before you. If it were my Darling Husband I’d tell him to man up, but insecurity and jealousy is not a trait I find attractive in a man. FWIW, I am not jealous at all. My Darling Husband has ex’s as friends, as do I. He also travels 8 months out of the year for work to exotic locations where many people in his field use as their oppotunity to “have fun” while away from their wives. I never once worry about what he’s doing, nor do I question his every move. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    7130 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @meke:  Seriously? What is so absurd about wishing someone well in their life? My Darling Husband has an ex that had a baby a few years ago. He messaged her, in a friendly way, just to tell her contgraulations on her baby. I can promise he has no interest in her. Why are we supposed to throw away everything that happened in our life prior to finding our spouse? I don’t understand this theory that you must throw away all photos as well. So what…your life, your travel, your experiences…all cease to exist once you get married? I certainly wouldn’t want my spouse to display pics of him and his ex on vacation around our house, but I think forcing someone to throw them away is silly.

    Post # 55
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @MaryKay14:  

    I was not ok with him keeping the photos initially, but I did not necessarily wanted him to delete all his photos, because those photos are his past self. Him organizing them and putting them away (they were all digital, so he’d save them in a USB and store away the USB) was good enough for me.

    (But as it turned out when I was discussing this post and my reply with him last night, he had deleted all of those photos, because he “had no reason to keep them” and it is not worth it to risk having the same subject/issue arise again in the future. So horray for my Fiance for being so understanding and clean cut on his actions!)

    I believe I was able to compromise for the “tucking away photos” because he threw out all physical stuff, such as cards, love letters, personal gifts, etc, and because he sincerely apologized for his past behavior.  I also have firm trust and belief in my Fiance, that he did not know how to properly transition from one relationship to another (e.g. what is “respectful” and “disrespectful” to his new relationship), because he never went through that transition until me.  I on the other hand, was very self-conscious bringing up my feelings regarding his ex for a long time, because I personally had no experience in having a serious relationship before Fiance – so I myself could not tell whether what I felt and wanted Fiance to do was “respectful” or “disrespectful” or appropriate at all.

    I think each person is different in handling previous relationships.  I had nothing to “get rid of”, but Fiance had a ton – and to him, it was a regular house chore (like cleaning out an attic or messy drawer) that he was too lazy to take care of.  Of course, it would’ve been nice if he had be a bit more considerate, a bit more understanding, and a bit less lazy and not have let us/let me go through all that unnecessary stress and heartaches, but someone had to go through it and “guide” him – I’m just glad that it was me, and that we both matured to love each other more deeply and respectfully – and that I am the one who will be marrying him.  

    But of course, if similar things happen in the future, then my tolerance level would be absolute ZERO.  If he makes the same mistake (e.g. telling me about his ex), he will not receive as much patience or slack from me…but looking back at how much he’s changed and matured from our first date, I doubt it’ll happen. 🙂

    Post # 56
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @starfish0116:  I don’t understand this theory that you must throw away all photos as well. So what…your life, your travel, your experiences…all cease to exist once you get married?

     
    My Fiance went on a couple of holidays with an ex. He’s kept all the photos from those trips, except for those of him and her together, as well as the brouchures, plane tickets etc. And he’s told me about those trips quite at length (we both love to travel, so we talk about travelling a lot). So yeah, those things obviously happened, and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t see why there should be a need to keep photos of you and your ex together, if you’re over that person. I personally find it inappropriate, and my Fiance respects that.
     
    Each to their own.

    Post # 57
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Redholix:  (But as it turned out when I was discussing this post and my reply with him last night, he had deleted all of those photos, because he “had no reason to keep them” and it is not worth it to risk having the same subject/issue arise again in the future. So horray for my Fiance for being so understanding and clean cut on his actions!)

     

     

    I’m glad he did that, it shows that he really cares about you 🙂 By The Way, I know from experience that you’ll get a lot of criticism of these boards for this kind of thing, so please don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilt-trip you into accepting something you’re not okay with.

     

    Post # 58
    Member
    1379 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @MaryKay14:  “If I were in this situation, I would unfriend this person from FB and avoid any interaction with him. You may see it as harmless, but you do not really know this other person and what his intentions are.”

    Unless OP’s husband suspects that this guy is going to fly from Dubai to Australia and kidnap her, it doesn’t matter what his intentions are. I hate the argument “I trust my partner but not other people” because you are essentially saying that you DON’T trust your partner. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    7130 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @worldtraveler:  +1 This is how I feel too. You either trust your partner or you don’t. If your partner is going to cheat with an ex, they’ll cheat with a new person. I just see this turning into a situation where the OP’s Darling Husband is going to “take it a mile” and start demanding that she not interact with any guys ever. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @worldtraveler:Unless OP’s husband suspects that this guy is going to fly from Dubai to Australia and kidnap her, it doesn’t matter what his intentions are. I hate the argument “I trust my partner but not other people” because you are essentially saying that you DON’T trust your partner. 

     
     
    Nah, for me it’s more that I would rather protect myself from any potential awkwardness down the road. For example, the guy might take me responding back as flirting or encouraging him coming on to me, there are some really creepy guys out there when it comes to that sort of thing. There are plenty of guys who think that, if a woman talks to him, it must be because she’s interested in him. Pathetic, I know, but I have unfortunately encountered a lot of guys like that in my life. So for me, if a guy I knew years ago contacted me with the message that he used to like me and regretted not doing anything about it, I would not feel comfortable engaging in a conversation with him.
     
    That being said, OP doesn’t necessarily have to unfriend him, of course, just keep the private messages to a minimum. I don’t see a reason to actually block him, unless he is positively harassing her.

    Post # 61
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @worldtraveler: So much yes.

    @MaryKay14: Each to their own, yes, but the main problem here is that the OP’s husband is basically strongarming her into doing something that she’s clearly not comfortable with. He doesn’t seem willing to listen to her perspective or to compromise, which is not ok in my book–regardless of whether you think it’s reasonable that he ask for her to de-friend the exes on Facebook. 

    The topic ‘Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?’ is closed to new replies.

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