(Closed) Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please vote if......
    I am insensitive to his feelings and should delete the guy immediately : (68 votes)
    22 %
    He is insecure therefore is trying to be controlling : (223 votes)
    72 %
    Other- Please explain : (17 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @starfish0116:  I just see this turning into a situation where the OP’s Darling Husband is going to “take it a mile” and start demanding that she not interact with any guys ever. 

     
     
    I see your point. Maybe some counselling would help OP and the husband, in order to deal with establishing mutually agreed boundaries and work through his insecurity and him feeling threathened by other men.

    Post # 63
    Member
    216 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @worldtraveler:  maybe he’s not worried about the possibility of a physical relationship more of an emotional one that you would be able to have over the internet. To me that worse than physical cheating, Physical cheating might not be pre planned but emotional cheating is, it takes time and investment on your spouses part.

    Anyway I think you should just talk to him in an open and calm matter there is no need for this to be a fight if you guys are careful to think of each othersnfeelings. Also try not to belittle this feeling or blame him, just tell him how this makes you feel and why it is he feels the way he does.  Any problem your husband has is your problem and vice versa that’s part of being married

    Post # 64
    Member
    810 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    This is a tough subject and I think you need to find a common ground. If he asjed you to delete the one guy who said he liked you, no biggie, but since he has asked you to do this with multiple exes, I think that really says something. Get at the root of why this bothers him so you can proceed. In My Humble Opinion, if a girl sent my hubby a message saying she once liked him and should have done something about it, she would be blocked, too.

    Post # 65
    Member
    273 posts
    Helper bee

    He is going too far, definitely. To be honest, I wouldn’t even have deleted the exes. I don’t want a man who is that insecure. I also don’t like the implications that you’re untrustworthy- if he trusts that you love him and will be faithful to him, then your facebook friends could be solely made up of Mens Health models with raging crushes on you and he might not like it but he’d lump it.

    I’m actually pretty shocked how many women on here seem to think having a harmonious relationship means pandering to your partner’s insecure and petty jealousy of other men.

    “I don’t think he should tell you what to do, but delete the guy just to end this silly spat” is a completely stupid and illogical stance. Either you think the guy is in the wrong and thus should get over himself, or you think the OP is wrong and she should delete the guy. Telling her that her husband is being oversensitive but she should still delete the guy is basically saying is “Your husband is in the wrong and oversensitive, but you should appease him anyway because having a quiet life by putting up with and allowing his bad behaviour, is more important than your feelings, you silly woman”. URGH.

    Post # 66
    Member
    843 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @starfish0116:  

    There isn’t anything wrong with it. I guess I’m just different as I do not have facebook, so I only communicate and go out with my true friends. I’ve never seen the point of the once a year hello or congratulations, I just don’t consider that a “friend”. My fi has facebook, no idea if his exes are his friends or not.

    Post # 67
    Hostess
    8575 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I do think your husband is being alot-a-bit insecure.. however.. I don’t really see the need to keep your ex’s as friends. Even if the breakup was friendly or mutual, there really is no reason to keep old boyfriends hanging around, just to say “hows life?” once in a blue moon. It would be differant if you all were a part of a large social circle, and ran into each other once in awhile.

    I also think it’s weird that some guy you used to know just randomly starts talking to you on facebook, and tells you he regrets not asking you out. It sounds like that person in particular is lonely, and just trying to branch out. And once again.. not really appropriate with you being married.

    I think you are both in part to blame for the situation you are in… it really seems like you are intentially talking to people you know your husband wouldn’t approve of you talking to. You really need to put your husband first.. BEFORE facebook!

    All of this being said… your husband shouldn’t be trying to control who you are talking to in real life, friends at or out of work – unless of course it doesn’t seem innocent.

    All in all, your husband loves you, and he doesn’t want to lose you to guys who are swooning over you on FACEBOOK.

    My fiance in no way would be okay with me talking to my ex’s on facebook, even the ones that didn’t end horribly. He also wouldn’t be okay with me talking to guys I knew 10 years ago.. obviously, there’s a reason WHY we don’t talk anymore – mainly because we aren’t really friends.

    Post # 68
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Hmm, well I think you’re both a bit in the wrong.

    I think it is INSANE and completely out of line that he had you delete/block your exes. You guys are friends-nothing more. He needs to have more trust in you for you to have a successful relationship, and you should’ve drawn a line. It is not okay for anyone to be telling you who you can and can’t be friends with.

    However, I think you are being INCREDIBLY disrespectful to your husband to want to stay friends with this guy who is openly flirting with you. While I don’t think you should break off contact because your husband told you to, I think you should break off contact because this other man is flirting with you. This is just a stab in the dark, but to me it seems like you are enjoying this person’s attention and the fact that he ‘used to’ (still does) have a crush on you.

    In my relationship, this would be treated solely as a respect issue, as I don’t see it having anything to do with trust tbh. If someone flirts with either of us at a bar/club whatever-we both treat it as a kindof whatever thing-it would kindof be impossible to shut down every person who  flirts with either of us when we go out as we both get hit on a lot, and don’t mind if the other is getting some attention at the bar from a random stranger. To us, it’s harmless, it’s not like either of us would cheat, and the other person doesn’t know about our relationship, so it’s not disrespectful on their part to chat up an attractive stranger.

    But if an old friend contacted me, and went down the ‘I used to have such a crush on you road’, that would be the end of the Facebook friendship. There’s no point in saying that unless he’s trying to see if I’m open to the idea of flirting back/cheating on my Fiance. He obviously doesn’t respect my relationship with my Fiance, so there is no place in my life for him.

    Post # 69
    Member
    1979 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @azzie17:  HELL NO, I don’t think you have done anything wrong OP.  Your Darling Husband seems incredibly insecure and controlling!  I don’t think a partner should dictate who you are and who you are not “allowed” to talk to or be friends with- you are an adult!  I think it was nice that you deleted your ex’s off of facebook after you got married and that should be more than enough for your husband (I wouldn’t have personally done it, but I completely respect that decision).  In your case, for a friend who lives on another continent to admit he used to have a crush on you- I think that’s funny and would laugh it off.

    My SO and I met each other after both of us had had a number of relationships.  We don’t really talk about it because it’s in the past.  He had even lived with one of his GFs before (and with her kids) and I have never lived with a SO.  I am still friends with a couple of my ex’s and every once in a while I get an email from them with a life update- no harm, no foul.  Interestingly, my SO is opposite and completely cuts of any and all communication with ex’s, but he supports my decision to keep in contact with who I want because that’s my choice.  My SO trusts me completely and I trust him completely- which is great bc have been living 2,000 miles apart for the last 4 months and either of us could have cheated if we wanted to, but we don’t.

    I had a close guy friend admit he had a crush on me- I literally saw him every weekday because we went to school together.  I was honest about it with my the Boyfriend or Best Friend when he told me- my BF said he knew about the crush and it was totally obvious, but he wasn’t worried about it.  I stopped eating lunch with my friend every day but we are still friends. Now my friend is completely in love with his new girlfriend.  I am supportive of his relationship with his girlfriend and he is supportive of me and my (now FI) getting married.

    In your case, it seems like your Darling Husband has some problem that runs deep about his insecurity.  If someone wants to cheat, they will.  They don’t need to be FB friends in order to cheat.  If he dictates who your FB friends, what is next?  Don’t hang out with W, don’t text X, don’t call Y, and don’t email Z.  I would request to go to couples counseling and work it out.  It seems like his version of a compromise is for you to do exactly what he tells you to do.  Figure out WHY he is feeling this way and address THAT.  Just deleting FB friends isn’t going to solve the problem.  Good luck OP!

    Post # 70
    Member
    12651 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I have a friend who had a guy from her past contact her on FB.  They had never dated, but it was the same scenario as OP.  He established the connection, and eventually  told her he always liked her back then. Her H, who is not at all controlling, had no initial problem with this FB friend until it became obvious through his frequent  messages to her that the guy probably did have a thing for her.  He was “single and lonely.”  At that point, the H became, justifiably, IMO, uncomfortable.  My friend told the guy and defriended him. 

    I do think the H in the OP jumped on the possibility that this person had an inappropriate current interest in OP, but  I also think it was kind of stupid, immature  and inappropriate for the old friend to write this to  her without realizing how it might make her or her H uncomfortable. Written words are  harder to interpret than when you are with someone and can read body language.  

    My philosophy on contact with exes is that there is no right or wrong.  It’s something both spouses or partners need to agree on 100% IMO.  Personally,  I suspect that most people have a much better and more vivid memory of the past than they let on.  There can be a bit of heightened nostalgia associated with some of these relationships, at least on one side,  sometimes more than people ever will admit.  

    As for the OP, I would block the exes if it bothers H, no questions asked. The friend thing could be negotiated, ie if he shows any signs of inappropriate or persistent  interest, you agree to block immediately.  If that’s sooo upsetting to H, or if  these  are just a few symptoms  of a generally overcontrolling spouse,  I would strongly suggest counseling.

    Post # 71
    Member
    317 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    I think he’s being insecure and controlling. My ex was the same way. Any guy I was friends with and wrote on my FB or sent a message had to be deleted as a friend. In the begining I complied. However, he had 600+ girls on his FB and that was okay. Never once did he delete them and they all chatted as much as they wanted. Fair, huh? it turned into him going through my phone and accusing me of wanting other guys (guys I’ve been friends with for over ten years so If we really liked each other, we would have been together). The last straw was that he went in my phone, deleted messages and then changed guy friends phone numbers in my phone thinking I would never notice.  Your Husbands jealousy most likely will not end here. I don’t really have any advice for you, just that I know how you feel and I hope that you guys can talk it through and come to a common ground.

    Post # 72
    Member
    3075 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    Whoa, way unreasonable / insecure! He’s going overboard!! What about him? Does he have exes on fb? Wgat about gurls he ysed to like?

    Post # 73
    Member
    854 posts
    Busy bee

    @nycsa:  that’s a good point. It’s definitely something that needs to be discussed and decided between them. I just know my Darling Husband and I agree about dealing with opposite sex friends (he has none and I respect him and our relationship so don’t talk to mine other than a hey every few weeks). He isn’t nuts or trying to lock me up in other ways though.

    For us, we agreed that placing possible obstacle or temptation in our relationship isn’t wise. Works for us but may not for others

    Post # 74
    Member
    450 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Putting any ex or guy who likes you before your husbands feelings is wronf in my opinion…its not worth the possible temptation and issues it may cause. If it were a guy friend that there was never anything between you guys is different..but I think his feelings are justified and you should leave this guy alone…coming up 10 years later and saying he liked you is inappropriate to say to a married woman or man in my opinion, the past is the past no need to bring it up…if it were me I would leave the guy alone, its not worth cause issues between you and your husband

    Post # 75
    Member
    1810 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    ….pretty sure your husband would never marry me because I am in contact with a TON of my exes (not just three). I even had one of my exes as a groomsman in our wedding because he meant so much to me, we had another as a guest, and I even invited the parents of another to attend. I can’t imagine having to never talk to my exes again. My husband respects that I had a past before him and has complete trust in me. And I always say they are exes for a reason (hint: they didn’t work out). It helps that my husband has met them and realizes that they really dont have any motivation to get back with me. 

    Anyway enough about me, back to you. I think your husband is a little insecure. You guys aren’t in highschool anymore and I think him wanting you to block your exes that you were just friendly with is a little immature. Does he have trust issues? I think there is more to this than just him wanting you not to speak to your exes anymore.

    Post # 76
    Member
    9681 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @azzie17:  I wouldn’t argue with my husband over some random guy I don’t care about. It’s not worth it – pick your battles. 

    Whether others agree or not, we don’t have opposite sex friendships in our relationship. It works for us. 

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