(Closed) Arguement with Husband. Am I Insensitive or Is He Too Insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please vote if......
    I am insensitive to his feelings and should delete the guy immediately : (68 votes)
    22 %
    He is insecure therefore is trying to be controlling : (223 votes)
    72 %
    Other- Please explain : (17 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 77
    Member
    354 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    My husband had this issue when we first started dating. He didnt ask me to delete them/block them though. I told him that I would speak to my friends as I wanted, I was not flirting or cheating, and I did not hang out with them behind his back. I was not going to end friendships over anyone. There was one ex he was particularly sensitive about, and I was very open about any contact between us (a few texts – dude lives in a different city, I sometimes run in to him when I visit, otherwise we don’t see each other). He even tried to “prove a point” by deleting all his exes. But my friends have often always been male. I told him if he couldnt handle that, then we wouldnt work out.

    If your husband had no relationships before you, maybe he can’t comprehend that people can break up and remain friends. That isnt YOUR problem. Trying to prevent someone from contacting friends is the first sign of controlling behavior. Not saying you should leave over it, but he is being insecure and ridiculous (and, in my experience, often when someone is very accusatory of someone else cheating – it’s because they already are). But you’ve given in before so why would he give up now?

    Does he have any female friends on Facebook? Does he ever like their statuses or pictures or comment on them? How do you know they don’t have crushes on him? DOes he even realize how ridiculous he sounds? You could probably be more sensitive to his feelings about it, but I do not think you should have ever blocked anyone or block this person.

    Perhaps some counseling is in order for you both to help work this out.

    Post # 78
    Member
    3669 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @azzie17:  Here is my opinion and take on the situation:

    You start talking to a guy who wishes he had asked you out…Okay, that isn’t funny and it was most likely a poke to see if you would fall for the “what if” bait. Many affairs start out like this. Your husband is upset he is flirting with you and you argue with him over how you SHOULD get to keep this guy around. Why? Did he compliment you and feed your ego? If so then it isn’t bad to like the attention but it is bad to keep that attention if your Darling Husband doesn’t want it around. 

    If this guy didn’t seem to have a motive besides catching up then I think it would have been worth the fight to gain your own control but that isn’t the case. Your husband shouldn’t have had you delete your exs if it was platonic but that was a conversation you should have had a long time ago. A conversation you should have now. 

    My husband does not demand anything from me and nor do I demand anything from him. However, if my husband is uncomfortable then I will always do what makes him feel best. I lost all of my guy friends except for one…Why? Because even if I wasn’t interested in them we could tell they had an interest in me, a temptation best kept far away. The one friend I do still have is now close to my Darling Husband.

    I suggest you both work on putting the other persons needs first. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @azzie17:  Wow. I actually think the first red flag here was your husband ordering you to delete your exes from facebook. Your husband is being really controlling and honestly he has no business policing who you are friends with – on facebook or IRL. You guys should albolutely talk about things like this and if your husband is feeling insecure he sould tell you. But the way he handled it was all wrong and it made my skin crawl. You said you don’t have any real contact ith your exes and nothing inappropriate has ever happened – so why is your husband so paranoid? If he can’t accept you having any contact with any man you have any semblance of a romantic past with (even if it was totally one sided on their part) then there is something really wrong. 

    I’m not going to leap to any conclusions, but I would suggest counselling right away because him trying to control your friendsips and interactions with others and getting really mad when you don’t do what he tells you to is a serious red flag, as are these sentences: 

     

    We had a huge blow out yesterday about me putting other men before his feelings (because I don’t immediately do as he says and delete these ‘potential threats’ of my Facebook)…

    but it really isn’t fair that I lose so many friendships for what I think is no good reason at all.

    ETA: Your friend was being kind of inappropriate but nowhere near as inappropriate as your husband. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    12833 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I totally agree with some other Bees that it’s not so much the fact that he objects,  but how he’s going about expressing his feelings to you that seems problematic.  Of course we don’t know exactly how the blow up started, whether you may have reacted in frustration or in a  way that seemed dismissive of his feelings.  We also don’t know exactly what the friend said or how he said it that seems to have triggered H.   

    Post # 81
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    This is all about Boundaries… and what the 2 of you negotiate as workable for your Relationship.

    Negotiation is different from DEMANDING…

    Mr TTR & I have a very healthy relationship… neither of us makes DEMANDS on the other

     

    In the Marriage that I have with Mr TTR there are NO Exes. 

    Because according to us… Exes are Exes for a reason.  We choose to skip the drama, and move forward.

    Second.. Neither of us have Opposite Sex Friends that we assoiciate with one-on-one be it in real life, on-line etc.

    Just doesn’t happen.

    Because at our age, we’ve far too oftne seen two situations (Exes & Opposite Sex Friends) bring too much DRAMA & TRAUMA into a relationship

    It isn’t worth it to us… so we just choose NOT TO GO THERE

    We see it as insulating our Relationship from outside forces / issues

    We trust each other implicitly… but we DON’T TRUST EVERYONE ELSE WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP to use the same RESPECT that we do

    Sadly, other people at times can say or do things that are inappropriate… and that makes for unnecessary awkwardness… complications.

    When you have a history (Exes), or you spend a lot of one-on-one time (IRL or on-line) feelings can develop (it happens… it is exactly HOW relationships form, be they friendships or more)

    If things become MORE for someone else… and then something is said or done, it is hard to step back from that… and keep the friendship (ie someone says something inappropriate, or makes a pass, tries to kiss etc)

    Super awkward at the least… and SUPER AWFUL at the extreme

    It sucks to be in this situation

    — — —

    This Guy is someone who has said he is / was interested in you.  At that moment that would have been “crossing a line” / boundary for me… and I would have VOLUNTARILY nipped the friendship in the bud.

    “I am sorry… but I am married… and I take my Marriage Vows and the commitment / relationship that I have with my Husband very seriously… so you have said something inappropriate… and we will no longer be able to be friends”

    Done.

    — — —

    As for the Photos of Exes etc.

    Yes your Hubby should be “sensitive” to your feelings if such photographs upset you.

    BUT in the scenario with your Hubby (see above) you truly cannot equate the two

    Photos are a photo… a picture of the past.  We all have pasts… particularly those of us who were married before.

    A Photo is an inanimate object… it might upset you to see it, but it cannot hurt you or your relationship

    Whereas… a real life person… Ya that is a whole other ball of wax.  That is something that truly could threaten your Relationship / Marriage.

    And ya, I don’t care if this guy lives next door or half-way around the world… if he’s expressed feelings for you… and you continue to communicate with him then you are essentially giving A NOD that you are Ok with what he has said / done.

    And that is where disrespect to your marriage begins…

    Emotional Cheating… comes long before Physical Cheating… but 9 times out of 10, women need one before the other.

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    9134 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    I wouldn’t fight with my husband about some random guy friend I haven’t had contact with in 10 years that starts out our renewed contact with telling me he had a crush on me and wished he’d asked me out. Facebook is an easy place to find old flames and see if they’re single or unhappily married. A guy from 10 years ago getting back into contact with you is likely doing so to test the waters and that is what is making your husband uncomfortable. Friending some random old guy friend on Facebook isn’t worth putting a shadow of a doubt in my husband’s mind about our marriage.

    Post # 83
    Member
    100 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I feel your husband doesn’t understand the fight is not about “the other guy”, is about him being a total control freak. 

    I vote for some counseling. Having a professional telling him he is a crazy control freak is better than having you telling him that. 

    Post # 84
    Member
    1352 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m with you, OP. I’m super insecure but if the situation was reversed and it was me, I wouldn’t have any reaction except for a passing chuckle. Frankly, I would be offended that he doesn’t trust me seemingly AT ALL, if he’s upset about something so insignificant. 

    That said, it’s not worth the fight. If this was a good friend of your’s, my advice would be different.  But that doesn’t seem to be the case. You have nothing to gain from this friendship, so I think it’s worth giving up to avoid conflict. At the same time, I wouldn’t just let it fly. I would delete/block the guy, then have a serious dicussion (maybe even counseling) to try to get to the root of this insecurity. Otherwise this will just keep happening. 

    Post # 85
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

    The exes are one thing, but I don’t get why he feels threatened by the guy that you never even dated. Were you even interested in this guy ten years ago when he says he was? In general, I hate when SOs try to control what goes on on Facebook. Unless there is actual flirtatious messaging going around what’s the big deal with knowing what is going on in your ex’s life? I don’t contact any of my ex’s on Facebook, but we are friends. Unless you sit on FB all day constantly chatting these guys up or updating your feed to see if they posted something I don’t see what the problem is. 

    Post # 86
    Member
    354 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I am saddened by the number of women here that say neither they nor their husbands are “allowed” to have opposite sex friends. How does that work? If you are friends with a couple can you only speak to the same-sex member of the couple as you? My male friends are invaluable to me. They are kind and caring and wonderful men that have no intentions of making moves on me. Same goes for my husband’s female friends. And if one of them does hit on him? I am married to him. He is not going to stray.

    Anyway, in a relationship/marriage, people OUTSIDE your marriage are not the threat. It does not, in any way, matter if someone else hits on your husband. It’s rude and gross and obnoxious, but it doesn’t matter – IF your husband is a man that you trust. It your husband has an affair, it isn’t because some woman tempted him. It’s because he made deliberate choices to disrespect your marriage and cheat on you. Same for husbands who don’t trust their wives.

    OP, unless there is something you aren’t telling us about your interactions with these men, I’m changing my response to no, he’s totally insecure. You should go with him to counseling, absolutely. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

    Post # 87
    Member
    6894 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Ideally, you wouldn’t have deleted the exes and would have worked out this issue prior to marriage. Because you allowed him to be controlling in the past and didn’t call him on it, he expects to be able to dictate who you talk to now. In other words, the issue is bigger than it needed to be because you didn’t stop it when you had the chance.

    I vote counseling. It is likely the only way for him to see that he really is being controlling. And this isn’t just about some random guy on FB. It is about one person being able to dictate to another who they speak to and who they are friends with. That isn’t acceptable, and can only escalate, IMO, into him deciding who you can see and when you can go places and where you can go, etc. The basis of a marriage is trust. If he doesn’t trust you, he shouldn’t be married to you.

    Post # 89
    Member
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @azzie17:  I get the sense that you already know the answer and you’re looking for confirmation of it.

    It sounds like you’re husband is jealous and insecure and he just waited until you were married to make you de-friend your exes. Married or just dating, though, asking you to cut off ties with your exes is not okay for him to do. Clearly, your friendships with exes didn’t stop you from marrying your husband, so what’s the big deal? He needs to get over it and develop some healthy self-confidence.

    Post # 90
    Member
    147 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Redholix:  Every word was spot on! Especially the second half; I was going to say something about that bit if no one else did.

     

    OP, I don’t think it sounds like he waited to marry you to raise hell about these men, just so he could manipulate you more easily after the fact… I think maybe he believes marriage is a more serious relationship than just a dating couple. I know the stakes are higher for most married couples than for dating couples. You’ve committed your lives to one another at that point. There is no room for potential threats to your relationship.

    IMO, he’s asking simple things of you, at this point. He doesn’t want you to continue private conversations with men who you’ve been involved with in the past & one man who has admitted his previous interest in you. To me, there is no reason to be so upset that he ask this of you, as they are not people who you spend time with regularly. These are not people you need to be in contact with, from what it sounds like.

    If it were me, I’d have a calm discussion about his exact feelings & reasons for requesting you delete these people, then I’d delete them. By discussing, you’ll find out if there are additional underlying issues that need to be resolved. By deleting these individuals, you’re ending your current conflict.

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