Post # 1
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
My SO and I are long distance while he finishes college. Usually we have a great relationship but when we argue or have to have serious conversations, it seems like there’s no good way to do it long-distance. Neither of us likes trying to sort things out over the phone and he doesn’t like having serious discussions over text – we’ve tried both and have ended up feeling empty and unfulfilled from the lack of physical presence. As a result, things that usually would get sorted out over a day or two end up getting put on hold for weeks until we see each other. It’s awkward to try to maintain normal communication while there’s an elephant in the room, but neither of us wants to go silent for a week, either.
I’ve been in an LDR before (also due to college) and faced the same issues so I recognize all of this. But obviously that one didn’t work.
Any advice, bees?
Post # 2
Member
10455 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Skype? Or get over not wanting to talk things out over the phone.
I wouldn’t recommend texting at all as so much can get lost in translation during a text conversation.
Post # 3
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
Agreed with hikingbride. Skype or talk on the phone. You’re in a long distance relationship—it’s just something you have to deal with. Pushing it off till you see each other is probably doing more harm than good. Just get over your dislike of talking on the phone and get it over with.
Post # 4
Member
1382 posts
Bumble bee
When you’re in a LDR, there’s some things that need to be adjusted for and communication is one of those things. There was a point where I didn’t see my Fiance (then boyfriend) for 3 months at a time because we were in different countries so although we would have preferred hashing things out in person we had to have important conversations on the phone or Skype.
I think that overall this improved our communication skills and allows us to squash issues very easily now that we live together and have that experience of only being able to talk to resolve issues.
Post # 5
Member
6874 posts
Busy Beekeeper
collegebee : I can’t even fathom what you might argue over in a long distance relationship – and I was in one for years and years (that ended in marriage). I take that back – he did get a little upset if he thought I was overdoing hanging out with another guy (hobby) and would abruptly end the conversation (without explaining why). We had one discussion about how that wasn’t okay in the least and he never did it again (also he knows the guy, has spent time with him and knows he’s not a threat of any kind, he was just being insecure). I’d actually be really concerned that if you’re fighting now, what might it be like when you’re closer?
Texting is an awful choice though, it’s so very easy to misinterpret. You’ve really got to do a discussion with voices and preferably faces. I think facetime/skype or tabling the argument until you are together (assuming it won’t ruin your trip and will actually get resolved faster and more satisfactorily)
Post # 6
Member
4203 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I think you two need to get over the phone thing. I’m in a LDR, although we see each other every weekend, we have a lot of serious & conflict-resolving conversations over the phone. I love this because by the time i see him, any issues that came up during the week have already been dealt with and I can just be completely happy to see him instead of dreading an argument. You dont have the luxury of hashing it out in person right away, you have to make it work somehow… saving it for weeks on end really cant be good for your relationship.
Post # 7
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
I didn’t see my SO for 8 months during which time we had A LOT of serious conversations via Skype. I think you have to learn to communicate via Skype or phone or else a LDR can’t last.
Post # 8
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
Thanks, Bees. I appreciate everyone’s advice. We are seeing each other Friday so we’re holding off on this conversation until then because it’s so close but we did Skype tonight and agreed to try to have future conversations via Skype. We’re currently in a place where we can see each other most weekends, but it might not be like that in the fall.
His reasoning is that if things get emotional, he’d want to be physically present to comfort each other. I agree in principle, but y’all are right, sometimes it just isn’t possible.
Post # 9
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
He’s right that that’s the ideal but the ideal isn’t always possible and your relationship can’t be put on hold because of that. Glad you’re able to see each other soon though!
Post # 10
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
I totally feel you on this one. I have been in a LDR for nearly 5 years, and sometimes we will be having problems, but as soon as we actually see each other again, the problems work themselves out easily. Being apart creates its own stress that can make issues seem bigger than they really are, but when you are together, you realize how happy you are when you are with each other, and are more willing to compromise and make concessions.
I really think the best way to keep a LDR functioning happily is to try to see each other as often as possible. I know that’s easier said than done. My best friend was also in a LDR, and she and her boyfriend (now husband!) fought ALL THE TIME, but they were going 3-4 months at a time without seeing each other. Once he moved to our town, they stopped fighting (and they just got married this past weekend 🙂 )
There have been a few times in my 5 year LDR, that one of us has hopped on a plane at short notice to go see the other. Sometimes, that’s really what is necessary. I find Skype to be not helpful. Seeing my fiance, without being able to touch him, just makes me super depressed and reminds me how far away he is. I actually do much better with the phone. I also disagree with some of the pps re: texting. I actually find texting to be kind of helpful. There have been times where we are arguing on the phone, and then we hang up, and I get to think about what we have been talking about, and I’ll send him a text message that kind of explains myself, and I am able to think it through before sending it (unlike a covnersation where you may blurt out something emotionally without getting to really think it through).
Basically, I understand what you’re going through, and I don’t think there is any easy solution for LDRs. Communication is so key though. When you can’t be together, it’s really all you have. So do your best to keep all lines of communication open at all times, and really do your best to see each other physically as often as is possible.
Good luck, Bee!!
Post # 11
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
Sometimes the feeling gets conveyed or interpreted so horribly wrong over texts. I would say give each other some cooling off time if it’s really bad and have a genuine discussion over skype video. It’s the next best thing to actually being there. Over skype video, you can still see each other and be able to gauge each other’s emotional reaction a lot better.
Post # 12
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
sparkosity : Thank you so much for ‘getting’ it <3 so much of what you wrote about your LDR I found myself nodding along to.
I think we might try Skype video. I’m not much of a phone call person – it always seems like you’re there by yourself, if that makes sense. I do like texting because I like to think about what I want to say and reread what has been said to understand and then formulate my responses, but it still lacks the personal touch.
This is also BF’s first ‘real’ relationship (he’s 22) whereas I have had one (an LDR, no less) before, and I remember how miserable that was. I always said I would never do it again, but here we are. It’s not something I would have chosen, but we are just graduating in different semesters. What can you do I guess?