Post # 1
I am writing in order to see if anyone has my situtation. My fiance and I have had a long (3.5 years), good, non-drama filled relationship. However, in the last few months, in regards to wedding planning, we have been arguing. I am now wondering if this arguing is an underlying problem we have never addressed or just part of planning a wedding on a budget?
And I think even more broadly, do people have absolutely NO lingering doubts about the person they are marrying? I tend to be one of those risk-averse people, and with a divorce rate of ~50%, I can’t help wondering when people say stuff like, "I am CERTAIN we’re perfect for each other." Nobody has any tiny amount of fear about getting married?
Any insight would be appreciated.
Post # 3
Stress comes with every big life changing thing. Just because your realtionship, until now hasn’t had arguing – doesn’t mean that the whole realtionship would be that way. I’m sure you know that, you seem increidbly smart and have a good head on your shoulders.
IMO – if this is happening and you are questioning weather or not it’s underlying problems or possibly even if yuo are marrying the wrong person – maybe some pre marital counsoling should be in order.
I know in ours, we did this personality quiz like thing and we found that we don’t meet eye to eye on budget things. And we were told that is 100% normal, almost no couples do. It’s just about finding common ground.
Also, if you’re fighting now – maybe it’s because of lack of small arguments in the past. My grandmaother had a saying "If you never fight one of you is just plain stupid" It’s impossibly not to disagree and argue. And sure that doens’t mean that you’re having a full on screaming match….but you know – just fighting. Not getting along.
I know 100% I am marrying the right guy. I know everyone on here will say the same thing. But I will enter my amrriage with not even the slightest little doubt.
I hope you figure all this out – it might simply be it’s a new step in life and those are stressful! I know we’ve have our fair share of bad days while planning.
Post # 4
Wedding planning is very stressful. Budgets, balancing family expectations and your own expectations for your big day can be tough.
I find that my Fiance and I argue more now b/c of the stress and also argue about wedding related stuff. Our worst arguments have been about budget and about whether our ceremony should be religous or not.
I don’t think that it neccessarily means that there’s a problem in your relationship. Especially since you guys have made it 3.5 years without any problems.
It’s been hard, but I just try to remember to keep it all in perspective and remember how much I love my Fiance.
Good luck to you! 🙂
Post # 5
NO ONE will ever agree with you 100% on everything. A tight budget (money matters) and stress add hardship to ANY relationship whether you’re in the puppy love stage or after 30 yrs.
THE DIFFERENCE is how you handle it. Some people don’t have the patience to deal with the partner’s differences and that’s why the divorce rate is high. At the first sign of trouble people tune off and quit.
As long as is not any kind of emotional or physical abuse…or cheating…most relationship problems can be solved with communication and patience. In my opinion that’s what marriage is. Patience, understanding and acceptance.
If wedding planning is making you question your choice of FH you might wanna take a step back and think what you really want because in the future (hopefully not) harder things might come your way.
Post # 6
Mr. Snapdragon and I go through phases where we fight, phases where we don’t. When we fight, it almost always comes down to the same few issues, which don’t need to be aired here. We’ve remained deeply in love with each other throughout.
I think that stress can pile up, and we take it out on those we’re closest to. We know they will love us no matter what, so we don’t make that extra effort to not vent or unload. Sometimes it’s inappropriate or hurtful.
I am NOT "certain" that Mr. S and I are perfect for each other. There are some ways in which we are completely compatible and we love each other very much, but we’re also very different in some ways. Those differences allow us to grow and mature, and to deepen our love for one another. I don’t think "perfect for each other" is real. People change and you can’t predict how. What seems perfect for you now may not in 10 years; in 10 years you might not care about what’s perfect. You can’t commit your life to someone without some risk, but love is risk. You can’t live without risk.
I think one of the things about marriage is you make the relationship more important than what feels perfect. It’s not just about what you (meant in the general, not personal sense) want at any given moment. Your partner will do a lot of things that piss you off–does that mean he’s not perfect for you? Marriage is about making a life and family together, and there’s pain and compromise and imperfection all over the place. You’ll never know if there was someone else out there who was more "perfect", but you live with the choices you make and ultimately your happiness is your own and no one else’s to give you. I happen to believe that everything happens for a reason, so whoever you marry was who you were supposed to marry at that time.
I’m marrying Mr. S because I love him; I care deeply about him and am willing to put his needs above mine; I know he feels the same way about me and I want to become a family with him. I believe that our marriage will last our lifetimes. I don’t know that though. But I never wonder if he isn’t "the one" for me.
Post # 7
Sweeney2be said: I know 100% I am marrying the right guy. I know everyone on here will say the same thing. But I will enter my amrriage with not even the slightest little doubt.
To tell you the truth, I have major doubts that everyone on here will say the same thing. I feel very much the way MissSnapdragon does: I wholeheartedly agree that although I believe and hope with every fiber of my being we’ll be married "forever," there’s no way of knowing what circumstances will change and surprise us along the way. Again, I hope so much that we’re able to work through those things, as we have for 6.5 years. But I just feel like, no matter how certain you are now, you never know what will happen later. To me, that’s part of what makes this whole crazy thing so beautiful – belief and hope that everything will be OK, and jumping in (with a big silly smile) knowing that the good far, far outweighs the bad.
@Sheriff/OP: Mr.GV and I have been fighting like [proverbial] cats and dogs lately – meaning the last few months, too. Well – more than bickering, less than fighting. I guess that’s arguing? I know that a lot of it is related to how much time I spend blogging and on Weddingbee , but I’ve maintained that I’m on vacation right now and I’m basically allowed to do what I want. If it’s affecting our relationship, though, I do need to make some changes. Also, since we’re both at home a lot right now (he’s a teacher w/summer off, and I have a really light summer schedule), we’re together almost 24/7. We realized that yesterday and have tried to be in different parts of the house for more of today, and it’s already better. Now I actually *want* to go on our date tonight!
Sheriff, my feeling is that if we’ve been happy with our guys for this long, the wedding planning thing is definitely going to be stressful for some couples who aren’t used to dealing with each other this way. But remember how happy you were when you decided to get married, or he proposed, or whatever – and maybe both of you can be reminded of that through the process.
Post # 8
Sorry to hear you aren’t getting along. I am in no way blamming you, I mean, I don’t even know the situation. However, let me tell you that my Fiance and I were disagreeing a lot and it was partitally my fault. See, I am excited about the wedding and he is a guy and doesn’t care so much about the planning part. If he didn’t want to come to the ribbon store with me, I was upset. That was silly. I was acting like the ribbon was super important and I wanted his opinion.
My point is, just because the wedding is stressful, doesn’t mean you are not meant to be. It is ok.
Post # 9
My husband and I had kind of the same situation – very little drama. But leading up to the wedding both of us were more on edge and tended to overreact to little things and our communication skills seemed to be shot. We did attend premarital counselling and I think for us it was amazing – best pre-wedding decision we’ve made.
Marriage is about love, trust, and about commitment, and yes, about risk. I definitely had fears about getting married, about what it meant to be a wife, and admittedly did on occassion wonder if I was making the right decision in the man I was marrying. But then I would think about him, rather than myself and realize what a wonderful man he is, how he loves me and wants to enjoy life with me for the rest of our lives. I know that we will be together until death separates us, because we love each other and are that committed.
So yeah, I was scared about getting married. But it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Just do what you can, and make sure you are committed to him, that you trust he is equally committed, and that you love each other – because it really is worth the risk!
Post # 10
TWO SNAPS for MissSnapdragon…. damn girl, that’s my relationship and experience with Mr.Glitterrock to a T!
Weddings and Babies….. 2 big milestones that can cause a lot of drama. Arguing and bickering is normal, but it’s all in how you resolve and that you are respectful to each other throughout the disagreement.
Post # 11
My Fiance and his ex-wife NEVER argued. Seriously. He thinks that was one of the things seriously wrong with their relationship. Because they never argued, they never worked anything out, and eventually that was apparently a deal-breaker.
He and I disagree. When we disagree, we sometimes argue. Lately (two weeks until the wedding) it seems like we argue more than ever. I think the important thing is how you work things out – or whether you work things out. I don’t know that he is 100% the best or only guy for me – I only know that he is a really good man, and I love him a lot, and I think we have enough of the same priorities and goals that we can live out our lives together. He probably has a little more faith than I do – he often says that there is nothing that we can’t work out, and I’m not absolutely sure I believe that. But I am sure that I’m willing to try.
I think that if you’re worried about how much you’re arguing, that’s okay – stress is a pressure cooker, right? But maybe it’s time to learn some new and different coping skills and communication skills, so that you don’t argue just because you’re stressed out, and so that if you do argue, you do it in a constructive way – so that issues get worked out and you end up closer together. This is a good time to learn and practice some of those skills – because if planning your wedding is the most stressful thing that ever happens in your relationship, you’ll be pretty lucky.
Post # 12
Robert Fulgham talks about this! HE calls it "forming the wedding covenant" That part of it happens at the kitchen table after dinner, in the car going somewhere, etc…and that this is your actual wedding. The rest is just a celebration of all the hard work you’ve done figuring out you marriage.
I didn’t explain it well, but it’s really cool. I kept reminding myself of this while Fiance and I squabbled…over and over and over. Hope the change of perspective helps.
Post # 13
i was definitely far more irritable while planning the wedding than i was before we got engaged… it took a few months for him to get used to that, and a few months for me to deal with my new frustrations of flowers and food and invites. 🙂
we are rare fighters – but we are big discussers, so i think we just work out tiny problems before they get too big.
am i certain i married the right guy? well, maybe somewhere, there’s a guy who could make me just as happy. but i’ve never met him! out of everyone i’ve known, i am happiest with him, and together we are the best versions of ourselves. are we going to last forever? yes, cause we’re both 100% committed to it. will there be times where we hate each other’s guts? probably. but that’s when the committment makes us buckle down and work through it. in the end, it will have been so much work but so worth it. 🙂
Post # 14
For most people, wedding planning is the first time you *really* have to make decisions together that are important to both of you. We definitely figured a lot of things out about communication and working together in the process. I’m actually glad we had the trouble because it really clarified the way we both do things and how we can reconcile our different styles. And it gave me a chance to see how we’d resolve inevitable conflicts. I think it’s much more honest to ask yourself in the midst of a fight "do I really want to be with this person and have these struggles?" than to pretend that there is no flaw in your relationship and no doubt in your mind.
As for being 100% certain about the person you’re marrying, I didn’t ever expect to be. I went into the marriage with a good perspective on his quirks, faults, and struggles, and those factored into my decision. I also knew his unique awesomeness and how it was perfectly suited to me.
I am confident that I made a rational, well thought out, well informed decision and I’m very very happy that I married him. If what you’re asking is if I’m 100% certain that nothing will ever happen to end the marriage in all the years till death do us part, there’s no possible way to answer yes. But if that were be a precondition to marriage, we’d have a 0% divorce rate because no one would get married.
If you’re worried about the fighting, I’d recommend getting some counseling. Use it as an opportunity to learn how to communicate better. And also use it as a focused evaluation if this person is right for you.
Post # 15
I’m curious as to what people are arguing about – whether it’s wedding-related or not. (I know that the stress is likely wedding-induced, of course…!)
For us, it seems to be mostly other things… things are setting each of us off to unreasonable degrees. It’s harder for us to let go of little things, so they’re turning into bigger problems than they really should be.
Thoughts from others?
Post # 16
I’m not exactly sure how to explain it…or why is it different…but I see the point that marriage is a risk…from my view…I’m 100% percent sure I’m marrying the right guy for me. In my mind no one will ever be as good as he is. Never…and I can say this without second thought.