Post # 1
I technically live with my parents but they travel a ton with their job. They came into town for Christmas but were here for only like a day. They were not overly kind to my boyfriend and at times seemed on the rude side. My boyfriend didn’t seem to let it bother him and we didn’t really talk about it much. They tend to be this way with my boyfriend and we pretty much expected it. My parents are strong Christians and have very strict expectations. My boyfriend and I are also both Christians. My parents hate the fact that my boyfriend isn’t as active in church as they’d like him to be. They also don’t like it that his parents are more laid back and are also not overly active in church.
Early this morning we were at his apartment talking in bed and he let his feelings about my parents be known. We ended up having an argument and I got emotional and went home. He said that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but my parents make him apprehensive and fearful about the future. I love my parents and him talking about them bothered me a lot. The issue is that he honestly is correct in his assessment of my parents. He had to work today and we haven’t talked all day. I love him and want things to work out.
How should I go about talking to him? I don’t want him to think that I’m just saying anything to appease him.
Post # 2
Kacey23: ” I’m sorry Honey. I got defensive this morning when you were talking about my parents. Even though what you said was true, no one likes to hear their family criticized and it really pushed my buttons. I realize that you were being honest with your feelings, and that’s one of the things I love about you.”
To the OP, do your Christian parents have a problem with their not Christian enough daughter and her boyfriend sleeping together? Is this where their animosity comes from?
Post # 3
It seems like your parents and their acceptance of your boyfriend is very important to you. Your parents don’t have to Love your boyfriend or his family But they should at least treat them respectfully. It sounds like you fully understand what your boyfriend is feeling and that’s good. But you yourself said that he is correct about your parents. So nothing you say is going to change his mind.
Your parents may never really like him, and his feelings towards them may never change. You may need to prepare yourself for that.
Post # 4
Have you also tried talking to your parents about the way they treat him? You said you guys almost expect them to act that way around him and it seemed as though you were trying to make excuses for them like, “this is why they’re like that”. There’s no excuse, by your own admission they’re being rude and he probably feels like you don’t defend him enough and the fact that you guys argued over him just expressing his hurt feelings might be making him feel like you will always choose them so I understand him being apprehensive about the future. I’m lucky that my family love my SO and I love them very much but if they didn’t like him and they were rude to him, I would of course ask them to cut it out and stick up for him.
Just tell him you know you overreacted, you’re just protective of your family, you’re sorry and you’ll speak to your family about it if that is what he wants.
Post # 5
julies1949: They aren’t thrilled that I sleep over at his apartment. I do try to limit that when they are in town. Then it kind of gets my boyfriend aggravated.
Thanks everyone for the opinions. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Post # 6
Should I also talk to my parents? I’ve got to make this work. This is definitely not how I wanted the holiday season to end.
Post # 7
Of course you should talk to your parents!! Haha is your bf the only one in this situation that has to take this type of behavior and just grin and bare it?
You love him and the least your parents can do is be nice to him.
I would definitly apologize too him. You basically got in a fight with him telling him he should just accept being treated like crap.
Post # 8
Talk to your parents. In all honesty, the fact that he is Christian in this day and age in a huge step in the right direction. At least he aligns with your core beliefs and them pushing him away will only backfire. It sounds like they need to come down off their high horse.
And as a fellow Christian, I must point out that it not very Christian-y to be rude to someone for not being Christian “enough”. I
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Kacey23: Apologize to your parents. What julies1949: phrased is the right way to state it. Then, talk to your parents. Not agreeing with how their adult daughter chooses to live her life isn’t a reason to be rude and disrespect your SO. It wouldn’t surprise me though, that they refuse to change their position; you need to be ready for that to happen.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Kacey23: Looks like you’re having the same problem I am. Only mine are my FIs parents. They were so ‘hurt’ when we moved in together. Said some nasty things. My Fiance stood up foe me and told them that he loves me and if he was going to continue being a part of their lives then they needed yo learn to resoect his decisions as an adult. If they couldn’t do that he let them know where the door is.
The saying isn’t supposed to be “Blood is thickekr than water”. It’s “The blood of the covenant it thicker than tye water of the womb.” Meaning the people we choose to bind ourselves to have closer ties than simply being born into family.
Post # 11
Just be honest! Apologize for getting defensive and let him know that the only reason you did is because you know how your parents are and it frustrates you just as much. Let him know you will try talking to your parents again and, even if they don’t come around, you really love him and can only see yourself spending the rest of your life with HIM.
Post # 12
julies1949: +1 What she said was perfect to say to your Fiance. Its natural to feel defensive but I don’t blame him one bit to be irritated about how your family perceives him.
Frankly, I would start telling your parents to shut it when it comes to talking about your Fiance and church. His religion is none of their concern and its kind of weird that they have that much of an opinion about him and his family
I would feel the same as your Fiance and I do think you need to talk to your parents and explain that while they are entitled to their opinions they should kindly keep it to themselves. Also you are going to get married to HIM soon- leave and cleave and you need to cut the cord a bit with you folks to have a healthy marriage
Post # 13
I truly don’t get how people sit in church and listen to the teachings of Jesus on compassion and love and generosity and kindness to others then walk out the door and act condescending and judgmental to those they consider less pious than themselves. Being a truely spiritual person is about how you treat others, not keeping a log book to see who’s winning at attendance. Your boyfriend has a right to be upset and it’s your parents you should speak to. If someone in your boyfriend’s family was treating you with open disrespect, wouldn’t you want your boyfriend to speak up out of love and loyalty for you and tell them it’s not okay to treat you like that? How would you feel if his parents treated you badly on Christmas Day and later when you told your boyfriend how it made you feel, he got upset with you for criticizing them instead of being upset with them for hurting you?