Post # 76
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
I’m sorry but if this was happening to me divorce would be on my mind. Not just because of this incident but because he referred to your baby as “ugly” and you as “his twin”. THEN decided that you cannot make rational decisions as a mother just for letting a NINE year old hold the babies and instead of just discussing it, he screams like a toddler about it.
I usually think people on here say “divorce them” too much but it sounds like he has no respect for you. YOU pushed the babies out of your hoo-ha, YOU had to go through the hormonal and bodily changes. Not him. PPD be damned. Many people have depression but still respect their spouses enough to not yell at them and respect their babies enough to not call them ugly. Tell him to get to a therapist ASAP or get out.
Post # 77
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
Thank you bees for all of your help! I wanted to give an update as so many you were great with your advice. Pediatrician appt went well babies doing great! I didn’t get a chance to bring it up prior to the appt as she was unavailable but DH mentioned the picture and showed it to her. She immediately laughed and said “Aww Dad you need to relax” I loved it! Lol she shared her own picture of her 3 year old holding his 1 day old brother. She said based on the picture babies neck both supported well and added it was great having adults within reach. She immediately recommended a parenting class the office offers in person and on his day off! We immediately signed up! She gave us parenting and professional advice. On the drive home we spoke about it and he apologized and finally admitted he did overreact but that he is scared of something happening to them and he had no right to scream at me. I also shared my concerns about the screaming and lack of trust. I would love to seek marriage counseling but unfortunately lack of child care will prevent that for now. He is open to it and said he was fine with zoom. Any thoughts on zoom marriage counseling? Do you think it’s just as effective as in person?
Thanks again bees!
Post # 78
Member
10444 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I think you need the marriage counseling now regardless of if zoom is ideal or not. It’s better than nothing. But honestly he’s the one who needs parenting classes and counseling, not you.
He should seek out individual therapy.
Post # 79
Member
9564 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
glad tha appt went well.
i have pictures of my 20 month old holding my 3 day old baby while i snapped pictures. don’t worry.
Post # 80
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
@ajillity81: omg hahaha love that 20 month old!! Now that he sees how silly he reacted I showed him pictures on Facebook of friends children holding their new siblings.
@hikingbride: Whike I agree I have been open to parenting classes while I was pregnant and don’t mind taking the class. I’m wondering if the counselor will recommend individual therapy I do think my husband would be fine with that. He stated a bunch of positives for counseling so he’s definitely open to the idea and I think For individual as well.
Post # 81
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
@helpluv11:
@helpluv11: glad the appt went well and that he was receptive.
How do you think he would react if you calmly went to him with some of the literature about post part in depression/anxiety in men and just shared your concerns? Especially if you recognize many of the symptoms, if he has any self insight he might realize something is off too.
my friend had post party anxiety…he sounds a lot like her tbh. Part of it was also that she had a lot going on aside from the bany which added stress. I’m sure that having twins during a pandemic can’t be helping either.
Post # 82
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
@nattywed: I think he would be fine with it we had a great conversation on the way home and he shared with me a lot of his thoughts. The more I heard the things he was thinking the more I realized he needs reassurance and help with his anxiety when it comes to the babies. I did tell him his thoughts are not healthy and he agreed. He is definitely stressed at work he works for an airline where a lot of his closest friends were laid off and he is now forced to work many double shifts. As upper management it was his decision as to who was laid off in his dept. that was difficult for him as well as he knows many of their home situations and how badly they need a job. He is also super supportive and helpful with our twins he is immediately on daddy duty once he gets home.
Post # 83
Member
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
@helpluv11: I’m glad the pediatrician put him in his place.
I’m also glad he admitted he was in the wrong when informed.
I think therapy will be really good for him, both individually as he adjusts to fatherhood, and as a couple while you adjust to a parenting relationship together. You said there have been some issues since the twins were born, so be sure he is getting the support he needs. Babies, especially twins, are a lot of work and stress!
Post # 84
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
@helpluv11: You must both be under such incredible stress! I think zoom therapy will definetely help and be better than no therapy at all. Maybe you could also see if you can both do individual sessions sometimes….it can be good to vent and talk things out in totaly privacy even from your SO.
Does he have a Employee Assistance Program at his work? You can usually find out through HR but most big companies have them. They can also help with referrals to therapists that take the company insurance, sometimes they offer free intro sessions too.
Post # 85
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
@nattywed: Yeah I was thinking maybe even do my own sessions on zoom it’s been overwhelming for me as well being home with the twins with little to no interactions with adults.
Yes he does have a program at work and plenty of resources:benefits. I will mention it to him I’m actually surprised he didn’t think of it. We’ve used their services a bunch of times already.
Thanks bee I’ll mention it to him after my mani/pedi haha! He insisted I go after the appt.after this I realize I need to get out when possible I always say no! This right now feels like a vacation as horrible as that sounds lol
Post # 86
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
@helpluv11:
Set up appointments right away for couples and individual counseling for both of you before the mood changes and he changes his mind. Zoom appointments can be really effective. I have to do zoom appointments with my doctor that prescribes my daily meds. I’m surprised by how smooth the transition was and it still felt like a real appointment. If anything, it felt a little more personal and casual and I found it easier to have a conversation. Give zoom counseling a try. It might work out great especially regarding the child care issue.
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