(Closed) Argument with my mum ruined wedding and I can't let it go

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m so sorry this happened to you, bee. It sounds like she was being TOTALLY out of line … try not to dwell on it. I know it’s hard, but think of all the wonderful memories you did make on your wedding day, and the outcome of it all (bound to your wonderful partner). Don’t give your mom the power of ruining everything you worked so hard for.

Hugs.

Post # 4
Member
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

oldman384588 :  I’m sorry.  I think it must have been the stress of the wedding on her too.  That is really too bad.  You both missed out.  She’s probably not addressing it because she feels bad about what happened too.  It doesn’t excuse her behavior though.  Unfortunately, there is nothing to do about it to change it now.  

I hope you can look back at the time you had with your new spouse and look forward to the future.  

Post # 5
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Well no one is responsible for helping you with table decor/favours, so don’t be pissy about that.

In general, this post seems very dramatic. The lowest part of your entire life was not getting a ‘good night’? Seriously? You have a damn good life then.

Your mom was obviously acting weird, and should not be disparaging you to other guests – that’s out of line. But you both seem very stubborn. Idk, I’d say best to just move on. You’re married, you get to spend the rest of your life with this person. Focus on that instead.  

Post # 6
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I don’t think your fiance should have told her she needed to apologize to you-that was wrong, it wasn’t his business or his right to tell a grown woman what to do. Otherwise, I think we all have this picture perfect day planned out as far as our wedding goes, and it will not be like that. Something will go wrong, and how your mom acted is what went wrong. I kind of think you need to get over it, you still got married to the love of your life, right? My mom cried when I told her I was engaged & threw a fit. I can sit back & think about how my engagement announcement sucked and be bitter. But why would I do that? It’s over now. No reason to keep looking back & feel angry. You could talk to her if you realllyy feel like you need to let her know how she ruined your day, but what would it accomplish? She was probably just stressed.

Post # 7
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

first of you want help then PAY help

 

second you sound rediculously over sensative… ‘the lowest point of your life which you will never get over’ was your mom not saying ‘goodnight’ to you???

thats about the most nonsensicaly dramatic thing ive EVER heard and you much be a real special snowflake for that to be the worst thing that ever happened to you

Post # 8
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

How awful– I’m so sorry this happened to you! It sounds like you tried to help her out as best you could, but she still reacted negatively. She made the day about her and her own hurt feelings instead of about you. My mom is the same way; it’s like she’s the only one who’s allowed to be stressed out because of all the things she’s doing for me, and I “owe” her a certain kind of behavior in exchange. She never apologizes for her behavior either, just sails along like nothing happened. Really, you and your mom and my mom and I, as adults, should be equals. I hope you’re able to remember the good parts of the day, because unfortunately your mom will be unwilling to change– you can only change the way you let her make you feel.

Post # 9
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

oldman384588 :  My mum didn’t even say goodnight to me on the nght before my wedding. That is probably one of the lowest points of my life so far and I just feel like I’ll never get over that.

Damn, I want your life. 

I see a lot of theatrics and passive-aggressive sulking and antics on both sides here. Sounds like you’ve never had to bear the brunt of it before, but this is obviously how your mom handles conflict–feeling bad for herself, lashing out and then pretending nothing was ever wrong. You know that now, so do with that information what you will and take it into consideration in interactions with her moving forward. 

I know it seems devestating now but your mom just made a fool of herself and you’ll be rolling your eyes at the whole thing in no time. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and obsessing over your mother’s childish behavior, and enjoy being married to the love of your life.

Post # 10
Member
9988 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your mom didn’t live up to your expectations for her behavior on your wedding day.  Honestly, your expectations, knowing her, were unrealistic, weren’t they?

Your mother sounds like a selfish and self-centered person.  Your wedding was about you and your husband and she didn’t deal with it well.

Take your power back and stop ruminating on something you can’t change.  Focus on the joy of being married to the love of your life.  If you don’t you’re allowing her to win, why do that?

Post # 11
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

You were stressed wanting help to finish things at the last minute. Why wasn’t your Fiance helping with that rather than inserting himself into a situation between you and your mother (that is never going to go over well).  She was stressed, not from helping but from ‘losing’ a daughter and didn’t manage it effectively.    

Decide to find positive things about your wedding and let the negative go.  Don’t dwell on it, and allow yourself to wind up every time it crosses your mind.   When you think negatively, force yourself to find a positive thing about your wedding.  In the grand scheme of life this is a pretty minor hiccup.

I just saw a post about a woman who had twins, one of them died after several weeks and she was devistated.  After a bit, she decided that she had control over her life.  She forced herself to find something positive each day.  She flat-out said that she decided to be happy again.  While I’m not sure that everything in life can be fixed by a decision to have positive outlook, much can.  

Post # 12
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It’s a crazy time with so much to remember and get done. I think for your mom it’s probably a really emotional time too – in a way she’s giving up her ‘baby’. Don’t be too hard on her – she probably feels you’re being rude and ignoring her – while you’re stressed and feeling like no one is helping you either.  Give each other a bit of space. I’m sure she’s not happy with her actions either.

Give each other some time. I’m sure she never wanted to hurt you in any way.  

Post # 13
Member
9032 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

oldman384588 :  So you lost your mums charger after borrowing it and then got upset that she rightfully got upset about it. Then she hosts a bbq for you and your Fiance and wedding guests and you don’t even attend but instead sit sulking in another room because no one is helping with your DIY for your wedding which you left to the last minute. Then she “ruins” your entire wedding because she didn’t say goodnight to you?

Honestly given that you said she had been so helpful in the run up to your wedding, it sounds like your behaviour on that night was the straw that broke the camels back. I would probably act the same way if I had to put up with the bratish behaviour you displayed.

Post # 14
Member
6511 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

There’s a lot going on here- you sound pretty young and your mother sounds like a hot mess (what kind of passive aggressive child walks around a wedding venue drinking and bitching about the bride who is also in the venue?!). It sucks to have conflicts get in the way of enjoying a special day but you said that you decided not to give in to your mom’s behavior since it was your wedding which makes me think the previous ease of your relationship is dependent on you caving and smoothing the way when she behaves like this.

You being upset with your family (or whomever) not working is ridiculous – you don’t invite people to parties to work so you should let that go.

If your mom is acting like nothing happened you have to decide if you’re going to go along with that or say something to her. What do you hope to get out of it?

Post # 15
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

j_jaye :  thats a good point… I was so shocked by how perfect the OPs life must be for a missing ‘goodnight’ to be the worst thing ever that I totally missed how rude she was by not bothering to attend a party hosted in her honer… what a snub on every guest there aswell as a huge insult to her parents

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