(Closed) Argument with my sister. Weigh in on this drama please?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

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@ieatunicorns:  Oh no I totally agree that’s why she’s hurt. I didn’t mean to imply you said that, I didn’t think I did. 

Post # 33
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would pick my sister over friends simply because I know my children will want to know about me.  My sister will be able to tell them funny stories of things I did when I when I was their age.  My children would never lose me.  They would have my sister’s stories to get to know me.  

But you’ve already made your decision.  I think your sister needs to time to process her decision.  Give her a few days to cool down then call her and see how she is doing.  

Post # 35
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  Understanding why she presumes to know better what is best for my kids than I do is what is so frustrating. How is it that I have so much more respect for her than she has for me?

I’m not sure that this proves that you have so much more respect for her personally, (especially considering that you just decided that she wasn’t going to be the best theoretical guardian of your kids — which is your call, of course). You have a great deal of respect for the idea that, when creating a will, everyone should choose provisional guardians for their kids who will most closely replicate the child’s original home environment. That means that you wouldn’t challenge your sister’s decision to name a public-schooling, non-church-attending, working-mom couple as provisional guardians of their kids. It’s not that you respect *her* more than she respects *you.*

ETA: Just trying to reframe so that you might consider that it’s not that you are lacking in your sister’s estimation — just that you both have strong feelings in opposite directions. Also, to be fair, the fact that your sister admits that she might not raise your kids as you’d want them raised actually IS kind of disrespectful of your wishes in that sense.

Post # 36
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would be SO upset, angry and hurt if my sister chose their friends over me. I would react the same way. It would def cause trouble in my family. I am very close with my sisters tho, I am not sure if you are. But I would also want my kids to be with their family and not a family friend.

Post # 37
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I would be really hurt and upset if I were the sister. I mean, if you make new friends in a few months who are even MORE like you two are you going to change it again?

Post # 40
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

eeekkk…honestly, if my sister told me this i’d be mad. The suggestion I suppose is that you think someone else would do a better job. I don’t know you, this couple or your sister, but my instinct would always be to stick with family. IMO only.

Post # 41
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

When you ask someone to do this for you, it’s a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly on either side. I’m sure she was touched by being asked, just as I’m sure she thought about the implications long and hard. It’s a honor to be asked to become the guardian for someone’s children, and a huge responsibility,both financially and emotionally.

I’m not sure why you can’t understand and appreciate how she feels now?

Post # 43
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well, like you said, you guys have different values.  Obviously she values family ties more than you do.  This does not make either of you superior to the other, but if you expect her to try and understand your values and why you made this decision, I suggest you start by trying to understand hers and why she is so hurt by this decision.

ETA: I don’t think I am clear enough about her valuing family ties : not that you don’t love your family, but that she would rather have her children with a family member with a different lifestyle than with a non family member with an identical lifestyle.  Hopefully that’s clearer.

Post # 44
Member
5540 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  I think you are missing the point here, that despite whatever you may feel, your sister obviously doesn’t feel the same, that you and her didn’t and won’t react the same to the situation. She is your sister, while whatever decision you make concerning the care of you children is 100% your choice and whatever works for you is best, she may need you to talk to her and explain it better, and yes, be mad for a while. But you just saying “Well, I theoretically would be okay with this if it happened to me” doesn’t mean  it is for her, and you may need to address it with her without it coming off as “I think you would be an unfit parent for my kids” which will help exactly nothing. 

Post # 45
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I completely understand why she is upset. It is almost passively aggressively saying that your beliefs are superior so that is why friends get the children. Friends come and go.; family is forever. Their are many studies out there that suggest blood related members treat family members better than non-related. I would better trust my kids with my family (that are different religiously etc than me) than any of my friends (who are all good people).

Post # 46
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

I don’t plan on having kids and even I understand why your sister is angry and hurt. If my brother or sister said this to me, shit would pretty much hit the fan too. Family is family, you do what you gotta do to step up when/if the time calls on you. I would not be cool with my nieces or nephews being raised outside the family.

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