(Closed) Argument with my sister. Weigh in on this drama please?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yeah, you pretty much put the importance of homeschooling over your own family. I can see why your sister is upset.

Post # 48
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@GoldfishPie:  This. I would be beyond hurt and pissed if I was your sister. If my brother did that to me in the way you did and for the reasons you did it would hurt our relationship- A LOT. Homeschooling and having a parent stay at home is more important than them being with their family? You do know that once you are dead you have zero say over if your friends let your kids see your family right? There is no way to ensure that will happen. This really baffles me. You can do whatever you want with your kids, but this is just beyond odd. 

Post # 49
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@GoldfishPie: has a point. You’re putting differing parenting perspectives ahead of family ties. 

It’s fairly natural to assume that family would take care of your children if you died, especially since you already discussed that with your sister. It’s a slap in the face to tell her you’re going to pick a friend because now that you’ve thought about it your opinion is your sister wouldn’t do a good enough job raising them.

If the unthinkable happens your sister and their cousins may be all your daughters have left. How brutally unfair is it to take that away from them? You need to think about your daughters’ perspective.

Post # 50
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Why’d you even tell her?  It wouldn’t be an issue unless you and your husband are both dead, right? Why start the drama now for a situation that is terribly unlikely to occur? 

Post # 51
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am going to chime in here as I have a child and I did not ask a sibling to raise her if I were to be unable to do so due to illness, disability or death. I asked my best friend. We’ve known each other for 20 years, we’re much closer than my sister and I and I feel she would be the best person to raise my child if I/we were unable too.

That being said, I still can understand why your sister is upset. In essence, you asked her, then un-asked her because someone better came along. <~ I don’t mean this meanly, or that you didn’t put thought into your decision by any means, just that this is what your sister is probably thinking. That’s a heavy heartbreak for a sibling whom you said you are close with.

I do understand you wanting to pass your values down to your children, I made the same decision.

Post # 52
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be hurt and angry.

You have the right to choose anyone you wish, but it’s not a decision to change with each new relationship.

And forthee record, no matter how you choose to parent your children may take their own unique path that doesn’t align with yours anyway and all this drama was for not.

Post # 53
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Yikes, I would be really, really upset with you.  Family comes first to me, unless obviously your sister was making really poor, dangerous choices.  It doesn’t sound like she is, it just sounds like she has a different parenting style.

I really hope your friends are as great as you think they are.  Often times with friends we might only see their good sides. 

 

Post # 54
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

You’ve said several times that this isn’t about your sister necessarily, but about passing your values on to your children. I just feel like I’m missing something. I guess I don’t quite understand what values homeschooling and being a Stay-At-Home Mom instrinsically impart on a child that public school and a working mom does not? I don’t see what values you would want to instill in your girls that a working mom wouldn’t be able to instill? (And I actually plan to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, so I’m not at all against staying home!) To me, it seems like because your sister has not made the same choices regarding schooling, you don’t think she’s good enough to be a mom to your girls. Personally, I feel like 

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@GoldfishPie hit the nail on the head and if my sister made a choice like that, yes I would be incredibly upset. 

Post # 55
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@GoldfishPie:  
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@mixtapehearts:  I agree with both of them.  I hate to say it, but I’d be surprised if this doesn’t cause a permanent rift in your family, OP.  I’m not sure I could forgive something like this if my sister said the same thing to me… “because you have a job and put your kids in school, you’re not as fit to raise my kids as my friends whom I’ve known for only a few years.”  That’s kinda how it comes across  =o/

The important thing is that she makes sure your kids get an education, are loved, are fed, are clothed, and are taught important values.  Not whether their guardian stays at home 24/7.

Post # 56
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@axeyourmakeupkit:  And forthee record, no matter how you choose to parent your children may take their own unique path that doesn’t align with yours anyway and all this drama was for not.

I think that is a really good point to bring up.

Other factors are:

  •  that the values/ideals of your friends could change over time (after you have gone) and they may choose a very different lifestyle that would not be in line with your values.
  • that even though you have said that your family can have open access to the kids after your death this infact becomes something that the new parents/guadians have total say over. So they could decide that your families values are not up to their standards and stop your family from ever seeing the kids
  • the children may not understand why they weren’t given to family and this may lead them to resent your family. They may think they weren”t wanted etc even if it is in your will they may think that you asked everyone and they said no!
  • the kids are friendly now but that does not necessarily mean they will be friendly in 5 years, 10 years etc.

Personally I would be extremely hurt especially since you are in effect judging your sisters lifestyle and saying it isn;t good enough!

 

Post # 57
Member
3196 posts
Sugar bee

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  I understand why she is upset with you as well. She may raise her kids differently, but I think she would do what is right by them and try her hardest to honor your wishes in raising them. 

I understand the values you are raising them by is important, but it just seems like your sister had different expectations about the situation. 

It is your choice, but I fall on your sister’s side. If she has strong values and is good to her children and yours, I think that that is the important thing. 

Post # 58
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would be REALLY upset if I was your sister. After all, she loves you and your children enough to raise them the way you want, despite the fact that is not her lifestyle. Of course they are your kids and you can do as you please but I can assure you that if you were my sister, things would be mighty frosty for a LONG time.

Post # 59
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

They’re your kids and you know your situation best. It’s just that there’s no way to communicate this decision to a sister without making her feel hurt and inadequate.

Honestly, in this situation, if the decision was already made to change the will, I would just do it and not continue to discuss the matter with the sister. There’s no point in it and it would be like rubbing salt into the wound. Let things calm down and time pass.

 

Post # 60
Member
7323 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, I’d be super pissed if I was your sister. You’ve essentially told her that her life and who she is as a person isn’t good enough to raise your kids. You’re also implying that a mom who works can’t possibly raise a kid with values, and that public school will ruin them.

I can’t imagine that having them raised by a home-schooling Stay-At-Home Mom is more important than family. Yeah your friends have the same values now, but what happens if in 10-15 years they change their mind and decide home-schooling isn’t for them or they are financially at a point where mom has to work?

It would be different if your family wasn’t suitable, but by your own admission there is nothing wrong with your sister other than she doesn’t parent exactly like you do. Are her kids great kids? Are they well adjusted? Are they taken care of? Loved? Well behaved? Educated? 

It’s up to you to do with what you want for your kids, but I honestly would think long and hard about the ramifications choosing friends could have.

 

Post # 61
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

I would also be extremely upset if I was your sister. It is a very clear judgement on the way she lives her life and I personally would really struggle with my relationship with you after this. I have had extremely strong friendships in my life too, but nothing will ever compare to the bonds I have with my siblings. Both are very different than me and both would make excellent, albeit different, parents.  A lot of those friendships do tend to fade away eventually too. I know very few people in their 50s that are still strong friends with people they were friends with in their late 20s/early 30s. 

I would also be surprised if a will like that held up in court if your family decided to fight it. As far as I know next of kin is always considered the best choice, especially if something nebulous like values was the sticking point. 

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