(Closed) Argument with my sister. Weigh in on this drama please?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow. I am mad FOR your sister. 

When I was in college, my niece was relinquished to my family’s custody while her parents were in jail on drug charges. Her mother, my now sister-in-law, pulled strings with lawyers and had my niece sent to live at her friend’s house in Iowa. It was the most devestating thing for us as a family. We had to deal with my brother’s jail time AND now a loss of my niece. She was 5 at the time and never understood why she was sent to this friend’s house. She missed her family and wanted to be close to her parents. We received weekly phone calls from her. Most were in tears. 

Aunts, uncles, and grandparents are the most direct connections to parents. We are blood. And even though we do not agree with how my niece and now nephew are raised, it doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t do everything in our power to make sure we raised happy, healthy, children if we had to go through it again. 

So, obviously, I feel horrible for your sister. 

Post # 78
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

and actually what happens if after you pass (hypothetically) your friends decided they no longer had the same beliefs? now your kids are with people that are not family and do not share your same beliefs. I would imagine your sister would have way more loyalty to you and what you wanted for your kids than the friends would. Assuming they changed how they feel. Which is always a possiblity. These are all things I would be thinking about. And i cannot imagine after a few years of knowing people that I would feel strongly enough about them to have them be a better choice than family. This if very hard for someone like to me to understand 🙁

Post # 79
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with pp’s…I would be hurt too. But it is your decision and you should stick with who you think would be a better fit.

Post # 80
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I fully sympathize with your sister.

Post # 81
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

My sister would be devastated by my change of plans more than anything.  My kids have a very close relationship with my sisters and my mom and we live in the same town.  If I died, their closest connection to me (and life as they knew it) would be through my sister and mother.  Even if we parent differently, I believe my kids would be most reassured knowing that they are still part of the same family.  The foundation you’ve instilled won’t disappear.  Your kids aren’t going to be comparing how you homeschooled vs how your sister does it.  It will all be emotions.  Who will help them feel secure, loved and safe would be my top priority. 

Post # 82
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

OP I don’t knock your choice to leave your children w friends over family. I have a BF of over 25+ years and I would want my hypotetical kids to be with her and husband. (If we aren’t survived by my FMIL). I my BF is my family and I’ve long considered her a sister.  I do have 3 biological sisters. One i’m not close to we are barely in contact, the other does not have the resources to manage and has and continues to make some poor life choices. She never wanted to be a parent anyway so she wouldn’t do well as a full time guardian. My last sister, whom I would absolutely consider is already up there in age and has health issues, so I wouldn’t want to burden her.

Having, said that I’m not clear on what ‘values’ which are so important to you that you feel you sister couldn’t pass on to your kids? And I agree with PP that say values do change. So its not a gurantee that your friends, your sister or your children for that matter, will stay steady on any set of values for the rest of  their lives. So I totally see why after changing your mind 7 years down the road why she’s so upset. Didn’t you know that you weren’t seeing eye to eye when you orignally asked her? I’m not saying your not entitled to change your mind, just wondering.

Post # 83
Member
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would be absolutely devastated if my brother & SIL did that to me.  I love my nephew and niece with a fierceness I’ve never known before.

No friend of the family, no neighbor, no coworker, will ever love them like I do.  I feel like that trumps any homeschooling/public school issue.

Post # 84
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My parents did the SAME thing you are doing and I always thought it was a wise decision. My aunts and uncles are great people, but most of them are a little wilder/less financially secure/far away from where I grew up. I know that I would have not been happy living with any of them, even though I love them all dearly.

My brother and I were willed to my parents best friends, who had two children just a bit younger than us, very similar parenting styles, and who we were very close to. If in the awful event something had happened to my parents, my brother and I could have stayed in our schools, attended our same church, and stayed with all of our friends – basically continued our same life. The idea of us losing our parents and then being uprooted from our life immediately afterwards was too much for them to contemplate. Stability was very important to my parents.

Post # 86
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Although I somewhat understand where you’re coming from, I have to say that I agree with PPs that family trumps friends. It would be one thing if your sister was completely unstable or irresponsible or you weren’t close, etc., but according to what you’ve shared here, that is definitely not the case.  I would be crushed if I was your sister in this situation.

I think another PP brought up this point but I’ll repeat it because it was the first thing I thought when reading your post…  I don’t really understand why your children continuing to be homeschooled and going to the same church you’ve always gone to trumps the love from a family member that only your sister could provide in the event of your untimely passing.  Of course your ideal as a parent is to pass your faith & values onto your children, but I really can’t understand why this is seemingly THE MOST important aspect in who raises them.  Kids grow up to believe what they’re going to believe.  Of course you can instill in them what you want to, but it’s not like being raised by your sister would undo everything you ever taught them.  They are their own people and maybe they will grow up to be Christian, maybe they won’t – but if it were me, I would want them to be raised by family above anything else.

Post # 87
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think the problem with this situation is that you once asked your sister to raise them and later decided she wouldn;t do a good enough job and you told her so. I can’t see how there can ever be a close relationship after this. If it were me I would be beyond livid. You may not feel like you were saying that to her, but in essence you called her and her life into questions and judged it as lacking.How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and she called your parenting methods into question and found them lacking?

 

 

Post # 88
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@MrsFuzzyFace:  I suppose I don’t understand how the religious beliefs you’ve instilled in your daughters would be “undone” by living with your sister?  Is she “anti-Christian” in that she would tell them your beliefs were wrong, or is she just not very religious/not a regular churchgoer?  Personally, I am agnostic but if I was raising my Christian sister’s children & it was her wish that their faith continue to grow, I would bring them to church & teach them about the Christian faith.  I would also be honest when they got older & asked what I believe – but that’s something all children will be exposed to, anyway, whether it’s via a family member or family friends or kids at school, etc.  Your sister sounds like she respects your wishes and would do her best to raise your girls in the style you want, with the bonus of being family!

I think I would be permanently hurt and offended if I was in her position.  Frown

Post # 89
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Can you see where your sister is coming from, Burris?  You seem to be very focused on homeschooling and your religion when the OP of this thread was more about the drama with your sister  caused by telling her you no longer want your kids raised by her in the event of your untimely demise.  Do you get her feelings now?  The vast majority of posters here all seem to be on her side, but you appear to be ignoring all their posts in favor of homeschooling/christian tunnel vision. 

Post # 91
Member
3196 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@MrsFuzzyFace:  I understand that values are very important to you, especially your religious faith. However, who’s to say that your children themselves won’t reject your religious values even if you survive and continue to try and teach them your way of viewing the world. I agree with KatyElle, I think some things transcend parenting styles. 

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