(Closed) Argument with my sister. Weigh in on this drama please?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I can understand why she is hurt – and, honestly, I probably wouldn’t have told her I made the decision to give my kids to another guardian.  If in the very unlikely event of both of your demise, she would have had to have respected your decision…. all I see this creating is a ton of drama. 🙁

Post # 93
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t understand why you keep saying you trust her to raise her own children properly, but you don’t appear to trust that she’ll raise your children according to your wishes.  Why don’t you trust that she’ll do her best to raise them well?  

Post # 94
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  There are a lot of people here trying to help yo see it from your sisters pov but you seem intent in viewing it only from yours. For the sake of your relationship,  i suggest trying to understand- really understand- why she is s hurt.  The “I trust her but she doesn’t trust me” to decide on a guardian angle is a bit forced.

Post # 95
899 posts
Busy bee

I would be crushed if I was your sister. I’d feel like you value your religious ideology and lifestyle more than you value her love for your kids. She’s family and that always means more, in my opinion.

If I was your sister and this happened (God forbid), I’d go to court and fight like hell to get custody of your kids. And it’s very likely a judge would agree that the kids should be with their aunt, uncle and cousins.

Post # 96
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, I would be more than upset. I barely even want children but if my sister had children and passed, I would take them in and love them like my own – and if she offered that and then took it away from me in favor of some friends, I would be devastated. You said that you respect her so much more than she respects you, but that’s not the vibe you give off – if my sister said my values didn’t align enough to take care of my nieces in her untimely demise, I’d feel she was self-important, judgmental and flat out controlling and it would really impact how I felt about her and my perception of how she felt about me. I completely get where she’s coming from and am honestly having a really hard time seeing the hypothetical “no really, I’d toooootally not be hurt by this if the situation were reversed!” as a reasonable justification. 

Short Version: Essentially you just said “Sister, you’re not good enough to raise my kids.” Sure, it’s ultimately your decision, but I’d expect my relationship with my sister to change for the worst after that.

Post # 97
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@RedAngelDreamer:  I would be crushed if I was your sister. I’d feel like you value your religious ideology and lifestyle more than you value her love for your kids. She’s family and that always means more, in my opinion.

This, exactly!  DH and I are Christian, but we don’t attend church frequently.  We both want to instill Christian values in our children.  However, if anything happened to us, I would want them to go to whoever would love them the most, regardless of if they were Christian, Wiccan, Pagan, Jewish, atheist, or anything in between.  Close friends are great, but do you honestly think they can provide your children with the love that a family member could?  

I think it’s great that they are involved in things that are important to you.  They would be a great resource to help with counseling and to guide your sister through the home-schooling process.  Your girls could even attend church with them occasionally.  But to live with them full-time, when there are family members willing and able to care for them just seems…well, it seems unfair, both to your family members and your girls.

And do you think this family would make your girls a number one priority?  I mean, if they needed to move, do you think they would take into consideration the distance from the girls’ remaining family, or would they move far away if it provided the best opportunities for them and/or THEIR children?  Your sister would, IMO, be more likely to remain close to other family members because SHE has family ties to those people as well.  

They are your kids, so obviously the decision is yours.  IMO, you are making the wrong decision, but it is your decision to make.  Be prepared, however, for this to alter your relationship with your sister, possibly permanently. 

Post # 98
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  is it because you think you’re a cinch for guardian should she have to leave her children with someone due to untimely demise?

Post # 99
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

my parents chose my godparents and then a few years later NEVER heard from them again..they were friends, with kids close to my age…..

My Fiance is ONE of his nephew’s godfather’s….if anything happens we WOULD end up with the kids, simply because we are close, and the closest blood relative….

choosing friends instead of family to raise kids is very difficult and a LOT to ask of them…..and who’s to say that YOUR way of raising them is RIGHT?  I was not raised christian and not homeschooled….and I have to say that my life is AWESOME….

who knows…..maybe the way your sister raises kids would help them get through the loss faster than any other way….PTSD is an odd thing, and you never know what would work!

Post # 100
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  You have to do what you think is best for your children, and you are the best judge of that.  If this is what you think is right, I hope your sister will come to support your decision.  She is understandably upset, but ultimately, it’s your decision and it should be respected.  However, I think you have to face the possibility that your relationship with your sister may be permenantly damaged because of this.

All the bees that say that family is forever and is the most important thing, and that family always stands by you, must have really great families. I am happy for them if they were born into these kinds of families.  Some people weren’t so lucky, but have made their own families from their friends.  And some people that have great relatives are still closer to their friends.  Yes, friends sometimes leave your life, but so do family members.  If someone has a very close and authentic friendship, it carries with it the same unconditional love and loyalty as a blood relationship, sometimes more.  So, it’s really not for anyone except the person making the decision to say whether family or friends should raise the children.

Burris, I do want to say that you should never rely on anyone’s good intentions to do what you would have wanted after you are gone.  If you want to ensure that your family will have open access to your children, then please get that all set up in writing now.  Perhaps you could consider giving your children a choice in where they live once they reach a certain age.  Whatever you do, please make sure you build in some real contingencies and protections so that your children will be able to have the family members they love in their lives. 

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