(Closed) Argument with SO – Need Advice – LONG

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I definitely think he was wrong to say that, but I think it might be that he is harboring feelings towards always having to pay for things, and this is how he is showing this. I would tell him if he really doesn’t feel comfortable paying for the vacation, then you should just cancel. I would hve been bummed too that he invited other people, but I think the way I would have phrased it would have been, “yes, to be honest, I am a little bummed that it won’t just be us, but I know you are paying for the trip, so as long as we’re together that’s all that matters.” Or something to that affect.

He’s been helping you out a lot, which I know you appreciate – but do you tell him that? it sounds like you guys have a lot of things that are left unsaid, and you both just kind of boiled over in emails, which is never good. I think you should call him and apologize for acting that way, but that what he said hurt your feelings. I think you need to have a serious talk, and get everything out in the open

Post # 4
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It probably wasn’t the nicest thing he could have said, but I have a feeling he was upset because he wanted his nephew to be there and you vetoed the idea. He probably just said something he knew would push your buttons because he was upset. You, however, were just telling him how you felt, but he did apologize later. Once you cool off, ask him if it really would mean a lot to him if he has his nephew there. Do you want your mom there? Maybe it could be a bigger vacation and then the two of you could do something together more intimate maybe for a weekend. How long have you two been together? I ask because maybe your SO thinks it’s to soon to get married or you’re too young. I don’t know the specifics so I can’t really respond to that. Also, eventually you will need to be on the same page as your bf. You and him should want the same things and have approximately the same time line. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Could it be, perhaps, that he feels he does all these things for you (which is wonderful by the way!), that he was sort of hoping that you would be more like “that’s great about your nephew! Very sweet of you, honey!”. As in, his family deserves to be there, too?

You didn’t fight him when he invited your mom but did when he invited his nephew. So he probably said that to you out of a bit of anger or resentment but he did apologize, too, which is great.

Tell him that you’re sorry and appreciate all he does for you and of course his nephew is welcome. Your romantic time does not have to be a beach house, as wonderful as that might be.

Post # 6
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

#1, he should not have thrown the money issue in your face. If he chooses to help you out and support you, that’s his choice. However, he has the right to do anything with his money that he chooses, including planning vacations that might not be 100% what you had in mind.

My main question is; is he inviting extra people because they are chipping in and helping with the cost, or is he doing it so you have more people to hang out with and he is still footing the bill for the entire trip? Either way, I think it’s the golden rule, as in “he who has the gold rules”. It may not be fair, but if he is paying for the vacation, he gets to decide who is invited. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I def think he hold some resentment towards you for having to support you so much finaincially. I also think that stems his reason for not wanted to comitt to marriage. Marriage is hard enough and the fact that you have hardly any money coming in would be a big issue to anyone.

i dont think he was right for saying what he said….but i def think that he has been holding that back for a while. You guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where you are going in your realtionship and see discuss your expectations for each other.

if i can ask…what is preventing you from working?

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m a little confused.  Did he ask other people to join, expecting them to chip in on costs?  If so, I think it’s somewhat reasonable (if poorly phrased) to tell you he can’t afford the house on his own, so if that’s what you want, you have to help chip in.  If he’s not asking the others to chip in, then it’s a different story.  Resentment is definitely coming through, and that’s understandable.

Regardless, I think you need more communication and you need to figure out your financial issues so you are not dependent on him for both of your sakes.  Email is a terrible way to communicate on these issues.  I realize that your finances are strained, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still plan cheap or free dates to spend time together recapturing the romance AND putting some effort into making him feel special too.  For example, right now Red Box is running a promotion that you can text 72727 the word “deals” and get cents off a movie rental that day.  Or pack a picnic and whisk him away.  Check to see if your library lets you reserve passes for museums/attractions for free to a few dollars “co-pay.”  You get the idea…

Post # 11
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I want to preface this by saying that I am not a pet owner and have never been in a dire financial situation but can I ask another question more out of curiosity than anything? If you are having so many financial issues that you cannot even afford paper goods, why do you own so many pets? They are a huge drain financially and they are completely inessential. I know it is difficult to get rid of pets because they are “part of the family”, but if I couldn’t afford my own toilet paper, I would be looking to cut back on anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary to survive. 

Sorry, it may be harsh, but I was always curious about this….

Post # 12
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@prshadow: So, as PP asked, what is preventing you from working?

Sorry, you replied while I was typing that question.

Don’t be too hard on him. I am looking for work, presently. We are very sensitive about our own shortcomings.

Do you recipricate his kindess? Stupid question, but do you? Free things?

I just mean, hopefully, he dosen’t feel taken advantage of.

Not saying you are taking advantage of him, but I don’t think this is serious enough to warrant the silent treatment or harbor resentment towards him.

Post # 14
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@prshadow: So if he does all this “out of the kindess of his heart”, no, he shouldn’t have thrown it in your face. But he did apologize. He did invite your mom and you say you DO have romantic getaways other than this upcoming beach trip.

You can also put the goods back on the shelves at Costco and say “thanks honey, but no…How about I treat for dinner tonight?”

In a relationship, it’s give and take. Not take and take. My husband wants to get me jewelery for our anniversary coming up. I told him no, we need a new laptop. “And besides, my bday is 2 weeks later”.

Romance can be shown in hundreds of different ways. And dong things for him, also, will show him your independence and desire to make him happy, too.

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