(Closed) Arguments about family

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

if you’ve expressed to him before that you are uncomfortable around big dogs and he goes out of his way to get the dog riled up before you visit, that is very wrong.  it’s hurtful and mean.  

try to discuss it when you are both calm and really be clear.  if you still can’t reach an understanding, your plans may have to change.

Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am also very very afraid of dogs, so I definitely understand. If someone has a big dog I refuse to go inside unless they put it away. If he gets the dog riled up and encourages/allows the dog to jump at you, then I would refuse to sleep there. If he doesn’t get it, then I would politely explain the situation to his parents and hopefully they understand or intervene. I would be very clear and direct about it with him. If you end up having to stay in a hotel because he is going to be mean to you, I hope his parents would make sure the dog was put away. I think that staying in a hotel is an option no matter who gets upset, at least it would prove how serious you were about the fear.

We decided that I make decisions for my family and he makes decisions for his family. If he decides to spend more time at his family home and cancel plans with his family, fine. He can call and tell them. If he wants to stay with his family longer and that means canceling plans with my family, that would not work for me.

Post # 5
Member
5960 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

So it looks like you’ve got a two part problem here, I suppose as far as the cancelling of plans goes, it would depend on what exactly those plans were AND how often he actually gets to catch up with those friends.  It sucks that you might have to rearrange some things, but if you can be flexible and give him the time to spend with his friends at the holidays, I find that is a very generous gesture indeed….however it’s totally at your discretion.

The dog issue is another problem entirely.  I understand the trauma a negative canine experience can cause to a person, I have many friends that have grappled with a paralysing fear of dogs which stems from a terrifying interaction with an unsupervised or ill trained animal….I apologize for that, any dog owner worth their salt knows better than to leave children alone with their dogs, that’s for everyone’s benefit, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

But you have got to do something about it, this is a problem you CAN deal with successfully with the right support and a little initative. 

 First, tell your Fiance he’s being an asshole, and that riling up a dog JUST because he knows it frightens you is on par with those lousy jerks that steal parking spaces, talk in movie theaters and eat fruit in the grocery store but don’t pay for it…it makes him look like a shit-heel and he needs to stop it if you are ever going to get past this fear.

Second, your anxiety response is something that can be controlled and essentially reprogrammed, if you can start by looking at pictures of dogs and be calm, move onto watching movies with dogs, then watching people walk their dogs from a car or a home, gradually getting closer all the while maintaining a calm sense of well-being, because you are not a child any longer, you have power and control over what happens to you, and not every dog, is like that dog….if you have friends with well behaved dogs that you can comfortably interact with, that’s a HUGE step, but a good one to take as well.  Our home has served as a survivor of dog attacks rehab center in its own way, our current pack is a very empathetic and theraputic group, it works well for people on a lot of levels.

Give yourself time, allow yourself to have set backs, just don’t let those setbacks dictate your progress, because it is all progress, as long as you are trying.

I have enormous dogs, they are terribly well behaved and that is no accident, the larger the dog is, the greater the responsibility on the owner to ensure that the people around the dog and the dog itself are safe at all times…I would expect if your FIL’s have such a large dog that they are responsible owners and are working to teach their new family member the proper manners when entertaining guests, maybe you can talk to one of them, let them know your situation is, I can’t imagine they wouldn’t be invested in helping you and the dog have positive experiences together, that can only benefit the family as a whole.

Either way, I sincerely hope it works out!

 

Post # 6
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would assume a Fiance would do everything possible to make sure you feel safe when you have fears; not rile those fears up.

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