(Closed) Arguments about waiting- Help I feel like its time to walk away

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you should focus on getting your own place, no matter what happens in the relationship. It will give you something new and exciting to focus on and take your mind off things with him. It will show him that you’re serious about moving forward with your life, one way or the other. I know you said he isn’t in favor of you moving out, but it’s not his decision to make.

Post # 17
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

YEs totally with Krispi on moving out and getting your own place!! Not his say at all, if he wants”say” over where you live, he can marry you.

Post # 18
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Cincin15: No matter how long you are together as a couple the first year living together is an eye opener. I would push moving out into a rental first and see how you go, at least then you arent tied by a marriage or a mortgage if it isnt right for you… he sounds like a difficult personality, I think its more important for you to be sure you can spend the rest of your life living with someone so unmotivate and controlling before you take that big leap.

Post # 21
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

“Well i was doing great until last week when a couple we know got engaged after being together for  2 years and just saturday his friend got engaged and they went ring shopping just 3 weeks ago.” Try not to compare yourself to other couples. Each couple has their own timeline as everybody is different. He’s bought the ring and asked your parents’ blessing – I see that as a very good sign. Try to be patient and be loving to him too! It’s not right to manipulate someone into proposing by acting rude. Good luck x

P.S. It must be really frustrating to not be living together after over 5 years 🙁 I feel ya… It’s not his place to tell you whether or not to move out! Go for it girl. If he kicks up a fuss he’s not worth keeping because honestly, it’s not healthy to have a controlling partner like that. If it’s such a big deal to him, he should make plans to move in with you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  ladymacadamia.
Post # 22
Hostess
8688 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

As someone who “walked” for want of a better term, from a 4.5 year long relationship with a man-child who didn’t want to commit to me, I cannot begin to tell you how much happier I am. I am with someone now who I feel really appriciates me, is willing to discuss the future, it isn’t a taboo subject like it was with my ex. My ex made a lot of empty promises, promised to get engaged, went engagement ring browsing together, IT NEVER HAPPENED. I am so glad I didn’t waste any more of my time because it was never going to happen now matter how long I may have waited. Each to their own, I am of course not telling you what to do, but prehaps, you may actually be happier without him. Good luck.

Post # 23
Member
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Krispi:  

I like this idea.

Post # 24
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I find it very concerning that you and your Fiance are not allowed to have open and honest communication regarding the engagement and wedding During this waiting period.  Open communication between couples is very important, and nit allowing it s unhealthy and breeds problems.  Also I find it concerning that he is speaking about the engagement ring from a place of anger.  No one should be angry about getting engaged, it should be a happy time.  

Good luck in your talk with him, but I do think that if he continues to stonewall and disregard your feelings and expectations for your future, then you should put on your walking shoes.  You cant put your life on hold out of fear that he won’t propose.

Post # 25
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MsBeer:  Sounds like my experience with my Boyfriend or Best Friend before Fiance.  So many empty promises.  It sucked at first but I am so happy that I walked.

OP, Get your own place if you want and to hell with what he thinks TBH.  You are in control of you.  If that’s enough to make him break up with you, do you really want to marry this man?

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  .
Post # 26
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Cincin15:  Goodness!! Hugs! I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough patch. 🙁

I would have to agree with several of the PP, with some caveats:  If you feel that your relationship is moving at a pace that is acceptable to you, then don’t let others make you feel uncomfortable just because your overall relationship has been shorter than theirs. Timing is unique to each couple. That being said, if you feel that you are simply waiting with no end in sight (which is something that is completely uncomfortable for anyone to go through – men and women alike), then you need to so some soul-searching.

Are you swilling to stand by as all of these empty promises have repeated themselves? Are you willing t wait a little longer for your SO to pull himself together and get back on track? Are you willing you change your preferred plans for your SO? Etc, etc, etc…

Communication is always key in situations like this, and as you have heard before, it will be necessary for you and your SO to sit down and have a rational and relatively unemotional conversation about what you life plans are together. Something I think you should communicate, instead of letting your hate spill over every once in a while, is how this entire situation is making you feel. It’s possible that your SO doesn’t even realise the depth of how this is affecting you. Sure, he sees that you’re angry and upset; but does he really know how far gone you seem to be with this entire situation?

Like our wonderful PPs have mentioned, stick to your guns. If you are going to set this June deadline, then do so – and do not waver. If you set this deadline, communicate it (thats the important part), and then flip flop around and end up staying – you are inadvertently communicating that you are doing that which you dont like: making empty promises.

Take it one step at a time. I hope that this gets better for you. Kepp us posted! 

Post # 27
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Cincin15: “I really am going to move out but I have to admit I am scared that this might jepordize the possibility of him proposing.”

If you being independent and living your own life will make him not want to propose, then he’s not the one for you. Is he going to hold all major life decisions over your head from now on?

Please understand that I don’t say this in a vacuum. I spent 4 years in a dead end relationship before I finally left.

Post # 28
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

So he wants to live at home but won’t let you move out into your own place?  That’s ridiculous and idiotic!! If you don’t want to live with your parents anymore then find your own place!  I really don’t see any reason why he should have any say in where/who you live with if he’s not willing to find a place with you and hasn’t shown you real commitment yet.

Honestly, the fact that he’s so controlling and that you’re actually scared to get your own place because it might hurt your relationship sounds really bad to me… if you were a friend of mine I would tell you to be careful with him and be sure to put yourself and your own happiness first.  Since I don’t know you I’m going to be straight up and tell you he does not sound like the kind of man I would want to date and if I were you I’d dump him.  If he’s already this controlling, how bad do you think it’ll be when you live together or get married? Plus he refuses to talk about the future so he probably doesn’t see one with you… sorry but I think you deserve better than this man.

Post # 29
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee

Cincin15:  he doesn’t want you to move out alone, but he wont move out with you?

ummmmmm……?

Yes, you are still dating someone right out of high school and he clearly ha sno intentions of growing up anytime soon.

Post # 30
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are 27 years old and letting a boyfriend control your life?  Seriously? 

Move out, live your life sans parents, and get rid of the manchild.  You deserve better than some control freak mama’s boy who shirks responsibility and can’t even manage to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. 

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