(Closed) Armchair psychology – what do you think happens to moms during wedding planning?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 17
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Now that I’m thinking about it…the public representation thing makes perfect sense! My mom also grew up in Bakersfield, CA (kind of a hick town as far as California goes). I remember a comment she made, long ago before I was even engaged. She said ‘when you get married, I’m going to show all your relatives what a real wedding looks like’. Of course my mom has been pushing for traditional elegance in some chandelier ballroom, and what do I pick for my theme?

Um, rustic barn-like wedding. No wonder…

Post # 18
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I vote for grape jelly!

Post # 19
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Life transitions–getting married means you’lre in the middle of your own and inevitably, so is she.  Plus, ya know, parents can be kind of self-absorbed when it comes to their children……and grape jelly.

Post # 20
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I get the occational bursts of tears on the phone “you’re going to be so beautiful, we love you so much, I am soo happy” sob sob sob lol. I do not know whats going through her head!

Post # 21
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

Haha..thanks for verbalizing what I thought only I was going through. I think it’s all of the above. But I was also armchair psyching my own mother out because she got married by the judge in her wedding to my father and had a small wedding planned FOR her when she got remarried and both of those didn’t work out so I thought she was projecting her desires to have  a happily, perfectly ever after. But now I see it happens with all types of families…

Post # 22
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony: Catholic Church, Reception: Hotel Ballroom

I know I’m a little late to the thread, but I agree — I think a big part of it is that we’re growing up.  Also, the jam comment made me laugh.  ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s especially hard for my mom because she lives in a different state than I do.  I try to share as much as possible with her over the phone/through email, but I know it’s not the same.  The day my dress arrived, I could tell it was bittersweet for her because she was happy for me, but she hasn’t even seen it on me yet and wanted to be there.  

Good luck!  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 23
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think my mom is using it as a chance to do a wedding “the right way”. My parents got married by a Justice of the Peace, her original dress was ruined before on the big day so she wore black, ect. Now she wants things to be in her style, which is fine, but not me. I’m going for natural (so lots of plants, greens, browns, golds, ect) and for some reason she seems to think we should etch glass vases and do this whole country style rooster thing…NO THANK YOU. She also wanted me to go and do the traditional bridal shop and really bride-y dress. I swear its like the woman doesn’t even recognize these things are so not me and SOOO HER. The thing I don’t get is that her and my practically step dad want to get married sometime after us so she can do all this for HER ACTUAL wedding. BLAH! 

Post # 24
200 posts
Helper bee

I’m an older bride: 33 and a professor and have been with my partner for 10 years. My mum and I have always had an amiable but not-super close relationship. I asked my mum to be my wedding planner. She loves design and project management and has a patience for details that I just don’t share. We had MANY really gruesome fights throughout the wedding planning–the worst we’ve had since I was an adolescent/in college. There were times when I was seriously considering severing all contact with her; permanently.

My mother really wanted to throw me the “perfect” wedding. And not an abstract, impress-your-friends perfect, but perfect for me. She was really generous and empathetic about what I (the uber-feminist, laid back, independent woman) would want. However, she did think that being a Bride would change me and change our relationship. I think she had in mind that I would suddenly want to spend hours discussing table linens or become passionately attached to lighting schemes. And she became very resentful and angry with me as the planning continued. It was extremely difficult.

In the end, we put together a gorgeous wedding that stunned our guests and truly reflected my partner and me. But it did not create the Hallmark mother-daughter moments that my mother had anticipated.

It was very difficult, and for me, it revealed the limits of our relationshuip and the point at which we just have to accept one another as we are. She longs for a different kind of daughter–but she has me, and vice versa.







p.s. Also, she completely lost her mind and all sense of proportion! She was a complete stress case on the day of the wedding and in the days leading up to it. I consider this ‘delegated stress’–she was in charge of freaking out so that I didn’t have to. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 25
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m getting married in my fiance’s hometown and you would think I moved the wedding across the country. In reality, it’s only 30 minutes away from my hometown (where I currently live). We both love the church and priest there, so we wanted to have the wedding where we would be more comfotable with the ceremony. The church ceremony is the only part of the wedding that we really care about. (okay I care about other parts, but that’s def the focus) My mom thinks that I’m chosing his family over mine and that the wedding will be my fiance’s wedding and not mine. Not to mention that I want everything different than my older sisters’ weddings according to her. I’m treading lightly.

Post # 26
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so glad I read this thread because I was just thinking about it yesterday.  My Mother and I are close, she’s the kindest person I know  but still, she’s not the super emotional, affectionate type.  So I was hoping this would make her treat me like a little girl again, is that odd?  Anyway, I took her dress shopping- nothing!  I told her I’d like her to walk me down the aisle- a lil something.  Then when I told her I wanted to dance with my little brother at the reception (don’t have a father)- finally she got emotional! 

But then, just yesterday, she lost it a little.  She realized the wedding is in less than a year and now all she wants to do is plan and prepare.  Which is odd because she too doesn’t like formal things so much.  She and my step father eloped had a BBQ when they got back, weddings never appealed to her.  So I do think this is all about what friends, family and yes, complete strangers think of us.  And I also believe she’s not quite convinced that I can make wise decisions all on my own (even though I’ve been living alone in NYC since I was 19, whatever). 

At first I was a little annoyed because every idea I tossed out she’d say, “how can you afford that?”  I’m like, “you do realized I’m employed right?”.  My family has been nice enough to pay for the majority of the wedding so we’ve given them a say with regard to the big stuff but for the extras, I got this!  In the end though, she’s gonna be a great help and I wouldn’t want anything to create tension in our relationship, that was for prom seasons, I’m grown now :o) 

I am not stressed yet but I can see her stress rubbing off on me, I’m pretty sure she’s gonna need med’s lol. 

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