Post # 1
So I have been watching this netflix movie “Meet the Patels” and it’s about arranged marriages by a family in India. And it got me to thinking, there may be something to this. They talk about what a good match maker their mother is. How she is responsible for a lot of very happy marriages. With so many people now meeting through dating sites that compare your interests and values, and claiming they are responsible for lots of engagements and marriages. I happend to meet my Fiance on a dating website. It makes me wonder if this is a 21st century match making. But how great it must be also to have people who care a lot about you and who know you well helping to find you someone that you would be happy with for the long haul. What do you guys think? Do you think dating sites can help to weed out the relationships that are unlikely to work faster than just dating someone and realizing it’s a bad fit first?
This topic was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by herrera2016.
Post # 2
I definitely think that online dating sites can help weed out the bad fits. I met my husband via online dating and through the experience I learned that I had a lot of choice in not connecting with people who didn’t seem like they would fit. The online profile is kind of like reading the synopsis of the back of the book before committing to buying it and reading the whole thing lol. It allows enough of a snapshot (if the guys are writing their profiles from an honest point of view) to decide if you even want to talk to or go on one date with the guy.
Post # 3
I think it helps to have a sense of mutual interests, opinions, values, etc., when meeting a prospective SO instead of going in blind. A dating website is really helpful for that.
However, an arranged marriage is not really like that. You get “matched” for stuff like socioeconomic status, religion, caste/social standing, and education, the idea being that if you are comaptible on these important (to Indians) things, you would be a good match in life. Then you meet the person and do some sort of compatibility check. It used to be just once or maybe a couple times – my parents met 2 or 3x but only because my mom requested the additional meetings, otherwise my dad was ready to get married like the next day (kind of adorable how desperate he was to lock her down haha). Nowadays it often goes on for a few months and is becoming more like what people in the West would think of as dating, although your family is 100000x more involved than they would be in your relationship in Western culture. Caste and ethnic background are becoming a little less important as well.
Arranged marriage is very different from online dating in that the factors used to match two people are completely different between the two mediums, but I agree that both are aimed at matching two people who are theoretically compatible on some level.
Post # 4
Online dating is a very good idea. You can talk to many people without giving them any personal information (tel#, address ) until you’re comfortable to do so. I talked to my Darling Husband for 3 weeks online only before giving him the green light. There are a lot of creeps out there, but they are everywhere in every environment. Online dating is safer than picking up a stranger from a bar. I weeded out 4 idiots before finding my Darling Husband gem.
Post # 5
I think the trick to dating sites is the same as it is for actual arranged marriage. I’m Muslim and most of my friends/peers marriages were arranged. (mine wasn’t because my family isn’t Muslim) The attitude toward marriage is to find someone compatible to you; interests; goals; morals – and you fall in love over time. I met my SO online – and it’s gone smoothly (I think) because we want the same things, share a lot of the same views and ultimately because we knew what we wanted when we started our online ‘search’
Post # 6
I met my Fiance online. I certainly think being able to compre things and weed out people was beneficial for me and my idea of dating.
I think arranged marriage is a huge topic not easily compressed down to compare completely.
In some cases, parents may arrange dates for you and leave the option to you (especially if a male)…however in a lot of cases there is not an option. Someone not ready for the idea of marriage at all may be forced into an arranged marriage regardless. Many arranged marriages are for what benefits the family not the person. So, it’s not an easy topic and the lines at which we try to examine for what’s acceptable and not about it is a bit difficult.
My FI’s mother was arranged to his father. They were arranged by each other’s family members during the Vietnam war. Respecting your family is huge and honoring it…so they had very little choice in their match. They came to the US together as refugees. She had children with him of course. However, her marriage was not an easy one. His father was addicted to gambling and often not home…and not supporting the family. His mother struggled a lot and I’m sure there are other aspects she may of struggled with about it but we naturally do not know. She detests his father but they can remain cordial at functions. They are divorced. His father had several other wives of similar arrangements.
Im not necessarily opposed to arranged marriage if consent from both individuals is there (and consent beyond just family obligation).
Post # 7
herrera2016: Yes. My husband and I met on eHarmony, and I have to say that, although I initially was matched with a LOT of people in whom I had zero interest, the site itself, and the tools it offered, were VERY helpful to me in “wedding out” those I would not have wanted to date.
By the point in my life when I was on eHarmony, I had already decided what I did and did not want in a spouse. I was a committed Christian who was only interested in dating another committed Christian, and I was only interested in meeting someone whose purpose for being on eHarmony was to find a spouse, not to just find someone with whom to have a casual relationship or to be in a long-term relationship that did not lead to marriage.
The site was very helpful to me in determining who really had the beliefs and values that he portrayed himself as having. It’s not that I wasn’t ever deceieved. However, after having that experience with someone (we did not meet in person, just spoke on the phone and communicated electronically), I was much wiser and more persistent in seeking and obtaining answers to my questions as early on in the process as I could.
Incidentally, I’ve been hooked on two television shows that offer some form of arranged marriage: “Married at First Sight” and “Married by Mom and Dad.” Because I oppose divorce for faith-based reasons (except for Biblical exemptions), and because I am obsessed with obtaining as much information as possible before I make important decisions, I could NEVER have been on one of those shows. Yet, I am fascinated by them, especially MAFS.
I can’t imagine what people are thinking on MBM&D, because it’s not even the child of the parents who has to have the most blind trust in the process. It’s the person that the parents choose for their child to marry. I love my parents dearly, but I would never have asked them to find me a husband. I cannot even IMAGINE trusting someone ELSE’S parents to make that decision for me. They clearly have a bias toward their child and would have no allegience to looking out for my best interests. Yikes! lol.
Post # 8
I think arranged marriages can work if all parties are willing and not abusing the situation. The problem is that you can’t always guarantee that, but there are plenty of arranged marriages that have worked out just fine.
As for online dating, you can filter through potential partners much faster by reading text on your computer than you can personally going on a date with each one. Online dating was perfect for someone like me who’s not that social but enjoys spending time on the computer.
Post # 9
There is a difference between match-making and arranged marriages. Online dating I would definitely say is the moden version of a match-maker! A match-maker puts together a meeting between two people they think will go great together. The rest is up to them. Arranged marriages are marriages that have likely been arranged from birth (but not all the time of course) where they couple being put together WILL be married, whether they like it or not.
Post # 10
The algorithms dating websites use don’t really work. Paco Underhill talks about it in his book, Why We Buy. You have a better chance of meeting a future spouse in line at the grocery store.
Post # 11
In this day and age, I can’t think of a truly valid reason for arranged marriages.
Post # 12
Fascinating read and conversation! Commenting to continue seeing all opinions!
Post # 13
theatrejulia: This is interesting. I’ve never used a dating website so I’m not sure how they work. I’d be interested in the psychological basis for it though. People may feel more comfortable to put themselves out there when there’s a list of other avaliable people, regardless of if they’re a true scientific match. Have you happened to see anything like this? (my scientist-ness is really coming out in this thread lol)
Post # 14
In my culture, arranged marriages and match-makers are a huge business. But typically there are people in the family who have connections and have a knack for matching single people together. I have an aunt and uncle who both got married through an arrangement, and my DH’s brother married his wife through an arrangement also. I myself love matching people up together. At my own wedding, I used it as an opportunity to match one of my BMs and one of DH’s Groomsmen together, and I also introduced my brother to one of my girl friends who I thought was a great match for them. So far so good 🙂
In many ways, dating online is a form of match-making. But the old school way of arranged marriages goes way beyond the parameters of online dating. In our culture we not only look at personality compatibility, but also the person’s ambition and education level, who they are as a person, and the person’s family background. I know in America we tend to look at only the person as an individual, but there are many factors that play a huge influence in shaping who you are today that online dating does not touch.
But the most important factor in matching anyone up is that the individual is marriage ready and marriage minded with basic relationship skills. When it comes to online dating, there are so many people on there who are just looking for free sex and having fun, that it’s up to the individual to weed these people out to find a marriage ready partner. In that respects, I think arranged matches are much easier in meeting higher quality people (vs. players).
Post # 15
Shina: I totally agree about the limited scope of online dating. What I loved in this documentary is how when he went to visit his family in India his cousins, aunts, uncle’s etc all had a girl they wanted him to meet. And his uncle was like, look I know dozens of girls looking to get married, but I am not going to have you meet all of them. I am only going to reccomend one girl who I think you would be great with. And they shared essentially life resumes. Where someone was born, grew up, their education, their hobbies, job etc. It was pretty cool. But also that the most important part was that the families already liked each other.