Article claims that commitment issues are not a real thing

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

In some circumstances yes maybe, however I don’t think life is so black and white that he or she won’t commit just because they are not that into you is the only answer for commitment issues. As for this article, blow his mind but make him work for it? Bloody hell talk about mind games. 

Post # 17
Member
2520 posts
Sugar bee

Didn’t read article, but I agree that for most people “commitment issues” are largely about not wanting to commit, and that usually changes when someone actually falls in love/meets a person they are excited to be with. 

That said, I have friends who I think do have commitment issues. Like a friend who consistently chooses man-children and then agonizes for months over whether to break up with them, and then will swear off men for months until the cycle repeats. Or another friend who is mid-30s and has never been in a longterm relationship, and always finds faults and reasons to break up with the women he dates before things get serious. In both cases, I think it’s less about inability to commit and more about whatever their deep-seated psychological issues are that make them think they don’t deserve to be in healthy relationships. And the signals they send out into the world consciously or not and the kind of people they end up attracting. 

Post # 18
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Yes, I believe committment issues are a real thing, but it is the minority of the cases where a guy hesitates to propose to his long-term girlfriend. Most of the time, if he balks, he’s just not that into her, even if he doesn’t realize it himself. 

Then theire are the true guys (and women too, but for this, we are citing men) who are with the only woman they want to be with, but just can’t take the step into marriage. The real frustrating group. 

But there is a third group, rare too, who don’t have issues about committment, they know they don’t want it. I have met 2 guys in my life who were like this. One is a best friend of my H, he never wanted to get married and despite many girlfriends, never came close to marriage. It was clear it was not something he was going to do. 

Post # 19
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

 

And then there are people who are too comfortable in their current situation and don’t want to change anything. They are not comfortable with change, even if it means wedding/baby/house, etc. etc. They just want to glide through life with a happy relationship without having to do much work. They could probably be just LAZY.

Post # 20
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I think commitment issues exist. However I also think that they can be overcome. And if someone doesn’t love you enough to work on themselves…well I think most people can take the hint.

Post # 21
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee

The article wass total BS. It makes relationships seem like a powerplay or a game. I really don’t think this is the way mature relationship ould work. I think the of “he is just not into you” has a truth to an extend. But I don’t think commitment issues are so simple. It can come from deep rooted trust issues from past. I’m really scared of making mistakes. This is apparent in relationships aswell. I overthink. I’m not cared of commitment but I can totally see how it would make scared of coommitment when you overthnk everything in your life.

Sure, sometimes it’s that he is not into you, but people don’y necessarily even know these feelings themselves and feelings are so complex that I’m not willing to accept this just as a black and white issue.

Post # 22
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

lovelyruby :  I suppose you’re right and that’s where my husband came from. It’s definately something that has to be worked on daily but I don’t see those as being the same as commitment issues. I don’t think he’s more likely to cheat or leave me for someone else becasue of it, it certainly makes it harder for him to trust me, not on cheating issues but more that when i have emotions they are genuine and not a manipulation attempt. It’s harder for him to believe someone really loves him and wants good things for him without expecting some sort of benefit from it. If it wasn’t acknowledged there is no way we could have a healthy relationship. It absolutely played a part in his refusing to consider marriage to his previous long term girlfriends but when I made it clear I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with not potential for marriage and family he started looking for ways to overcome his hangups and develop the basis for a healthy marriage. My stance is that if it’s the right person they will work to overcome them and not use them as an excuse to not committ. This is of course anicdotal evidence but I do feel like it’s a common trend. 

caligirl3 :  I agree, I don’t think those are necessarily commitment issues they’re practical issues. I feel like everyone should wait to get married until they are at least done with undergrad (or trade school or whatever preliminary steps you need to take to get into your carreer) becasue not only will it affect your funding but you go through a lot of changes during that time period and you need to make sure you will change together. There’s nothing stopping people from getting engaged or setting a wedding date during times that make it impractical to get married. If a person claims committment issues then they probably aren’t going to comitt to that person. If a person says “I love you and want to marry you and be with you forever but I need to wait until I finish this important life thing for it to be practical” that’s not a committment issue. If they start making up things that are not really issues then it’s a committment issue.

 

ladyjane123 :  Agree so much on the people that are the exception being so rare that you should assume you have not got an exception. 

Post # 23
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Haven’t opened the article, but I do agree that “commitment issues” are usually bullshit. Not always, but often. Some people who have been very badly hurt, particularly in childhood, can have some pretty understandable issues committing to and trusting other people, but as adults it is their responsibility to recognise these issues and seek out the help they need to work through them, and if they are unwilling to do so, it’s unfair to ask others to sacrifice their own needs to accommodate that. But most people who claim to have commitment issues are just making excuses because the person they’re currently with is “good enough for now” so they want to keep them around until something better comes along.

Post # 24
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Hmm… I agree that I don’t think people (men or women) have “commitment issues.” I think couples have issues, and if one partner has reservations, it’s about those specific issues and not some generalized commitment-phobia.

I really disliked the article’s arguement that women should “bring your A-game.”  If you are dazzling and charming, and the eptiome of the “cool girl” at the beginning, who can maintain that forever? Just f-ing be yourself.

Post # 25
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

lauralaura123 :  I agree. However, I do believe that certain people are more suited for relationships than others. Ex: I learned very early on that once a cheater, always a cheater. However, maybe my ex just cheated on me and his previous girlfriend? Maybe he won’t cheat when he meets “the one.” 

Post # 26
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I do agree that a large percentage of the time, people say they have a fear of commitment when it’s really a fear of committing to their current partner. 

However, a lot of the comments here I don’t think are really picking up on what an actual fear of committment is. It’s not waiting for the right partner or not wanting to committ until you’re totally sure of someone. I mean, that’s common sense. I think there really is a small percentage of people who are really afraid of abuse, getting hurt, etc. Or like a PP said it could be prior trauma from childhood. 

Post # 27
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills

Didn’t read the article, but generally speaking I think this is true. Of course there are always exceptions. Also, I know plenty of people who have childhood trauma who worked through their issues and ended up married. I always tell my single friends or friends in dead end relationships with men who won’t commit that the reason for the lack of commitment doesn’t really matter in the end. Maybe they’re just not that into them, or maybe they do have severe PTSD from something in their past, but it’s useless to overnanalyze the reason and use it as an excuse to stay with a person who will never give you what you want.

Post # 28
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

lauralaura123 :  

I think it’s impossible to make a blanket generalization.

For some people, yes, obviously the reason they have not committed to the person they’re in a relationship with is that they just don’t want to with that person. This is obviously fairly common – people coast along in a relationship, sometimes for years, but don’t want to take the plunge to make it more permanent because they know that certain things about the relationship are not the right fit.

HOWEVER, commitment issues are a thing for some people. There are some genuine commitment-phobes out there. If you do a little research, you will see that this is a genuine, recognised phobia in the psychology community. Moreover, I know at least one person like this. And I mean, this is genuine commitment fear, nothing to do with the strength of his feelings for the person he is with. If I had not met and gotten to know this guy quite well, I might be inclined to agree with the article, but this guy definitely has a genuine fear of commitment, and I have met others like him.

He is 40 and lives alone – and has done for pretty much all of his adult life. He has lived for very brief periods (a few months) with girlfriends on two occasions. Never been married or engaged. Has dated prolifically, though. Has never had a relationship which has gone beyond a year and a half. He starts to feel suffocated if he spends too much time with someone, and if the relationships starts to go too well or get too close, he pushes the person away and starts to find something wrong with them. He rarely opens up about his feelings, never talks about the future and seems terrified to do so. He has had the same job, the same house and virtually exactly the same life for the past ten years. He doesn’t even go away on holiday. He seems absolutely stuck, and I doubt very much whether he will ever let a woman in enough that he could feel close to a real commitment. If I hadn’t seen this pattern over and over again with my own eyes, I would never have believed it.

In fact, I have become convinced that he could meet a woman who had the brains of an astrophysicist, the body of a Victoria’s Secret model, the personality of a stand-up comedian, and the heart of Mother Theresa and he would still not commit to her.

I’ve seen other people like him (but he is the most extreme case) – sometimes it’s a temporary commitment phobia, like if they’ve just come out of a divorce, and other times it’s more permanent, and it has nothing to do with the partner they are with at the time.

Commitment phobia is a real thing. It’s similar to claustrophobia. These people want a loving relationship with all their heart and soul, but are also so afraid of what that brings. It’s their conscious desire battling with their unconscious fear.

Frankly, I am sooooo over the tendency to put all relationship issues down to “he’s just not that into you.” People often have real issues preventing them from giving their all to a relationship which have absolutely nothing to do with the partner at hand. Not only is this “he’s just not that into you” trope often wildly inaccurate, I feel that it creates a whole seething hotbed of fear and insecurity in women that just doesn’t need to be there.

My point is – it might be that he’s just not that into you. But it could just as easily be something else. And jumping to that conclusion all the time doesn’t necessarily help anyone.

Post # 29
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

It is ignorant to say that “commitment issues do not exist” as there are a number of potential barriers that individuals have to overcome when choosing to commit to one person. There are a number of variables to consider including (but not limited to) mental health diagnoses.

Speaking from personal experience, my father cheated on my mother which, in turn, caused significant trauma within our household. I learned to not trust people. When individuals in my previous relationships would lie (even if about something minor) it affected me deeply. I had never met a person in my life who had not lied to me at some point in our relationship (friend, boyfriend, family—) Not until my current relationship with my SO. Regarding my current relationship, we went on dates every Friday for six months before we referred to eachother as boyfriend/girlfriend. This was my choice. Although I cared greatly for him, I built a wall because I did not want to put myself into a vulnerable position where I could potentially get hurt. Was this something I had to work on? Absolutely. But those barriers did exist at one point in our relationship. It took time to reframe a number of my thoughts and beliefs in order to trust again.

Post # 30
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I mostly agree with the headline and do think most people who have “commitment issues” actually have “committing to you” issues. Or it could even be “committing right now” issues. I heard something once, don’t remember where, but it said that women marry WHO they want to marry, and men marry WHEN they want to marry. Of course that’s a generalization (which I usually try to avoid) but it would explain why we so often see a guy who seems perfectly happy in his relationship but gives excuse after excuse to avoid marriage, then when she finally dumps him, he marrys the next woman within a year or two. “What does she have that I didn’t?” — maybe nothing other than being in the right place at the right time. 

Although, does it really matter anyway? Whether someone doesn’t want to commit to anyone ever, to you specifically, or just for the foreseeable future — if they aren’t meeting your needs why stay with them? There is someone somewhere who is open to commitment, to you, within a reasonable timeframe. Why not give them a chance? 

Which brings me to my next point: the rest of the article is a crock. “Hook him with your A-game and never stop the A-game.” No thanks. I don’t even bring my A-game to work 100% of the time and they pay me. In all facets of life, I bring my A-game enough to even out when someone gets my E-game, but in general, everyone usually gets my C-game. Granted, I like to think my C-game is better than some people’s A-game, but in any case, most of the time that is what you’re getting. And then the “make him earn it” stuff. Again, no thanks. How exhausting to constantly feel like you have to perform at your very best, plus keep score of all the mind games. Ugh. Just be yourself. There are lots of people out there who will actually love the real you — no extra effort required. If there really truly is something so “off” about you, that you can’t find someone to accept you for who you are, rather than pretend to be someone else, try therapy to help you actually change the problematic thinking or behavior. 

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