(Closed) As a bm: If you were NOT paying for it, would you feel you had a say?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Wear it or don’t. If you wear it, then keep your mouth shut. Seems easy enough to me.

Post # 5
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

I’d do it if it were a good friend and I’d be a bm anyway. But if you don’t pay, you don’t get a say. Within reason of course. I’m not going to strut out half naked just because the bride has a Carnival theme. 

Post # 6
Member
4869 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’d probably start asking the other BMs if they hated it too. I wouldn’t mention it to the bride unless we all hated it. I don’t think the opinion of one Bridesmaid or Best Man is enough to go to the bride about, but the opinions of all of them is. 

Post # 7
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MissFireFlower:  Quite honestly? My BMs are paying for their dress and they STILL didn’t get an opinion. It was very simple for me. Wear it, or don’t. My sister decided she wanted to pick out her own dress and debate the BMs dresses, so I dropped her from the wedding party and kept on about my business. MY wedding isn’t up for discussion with anyone besides myself and my Fiance.

 

Post # 8
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you do.  You’ve been dressing your body/skin tone longer than she has, so she may actually want the input.  Personally, I really did want my bridesmaids looking and feeling fabulous.

Post # 9
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’d probably express that I wasn’t a fan of the look…I wouldn’t come right out and say ‘I HATE IT!’, but I would give my reasons for being ‘unsure’ of it….like the colors not looking good on everyone, or it being a drastic change from how I/other BMs look…I would hope that the Birde would be understanding and willing to change things up, but I wouldn’t give an ultimatum. 

Post # 10
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d say something. I’d be polite about it, and offer constructive feedback, but in the grand scheme of things, I’m not a Barbie doll and I shouldn’t be treated like one.

Post # 11
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been in 8 weddings.  I had to buy a stupid dress for all of them.  I never got a say in the dress, and quite frankly, you cannot please everyone anyway.

 

Brides who bend over backwards trying to please all their attendants deserve a medal of honor.  

 

Honestly, it’s much easier if the BRIDE picks and then there’s no dispute.

 

A few years ago, I was in a wedding, where the bridesmaids were all supposed to come to an agreement on the dress.  Four of us (the fifth had to work) went shopping.  We ALL FELL IN LOVE with one dress (which is quite the oddity) and it was only $80.  I was completely happy with it.

 

 

A week later, the bride emailed me to tell me that the maid who missed out on the shopping trip didn’t like the dress so they changed it to something SHE wanted.  Sure, it looked good on that maid, but looked silly on the rest of us.  And the best part?  Instead of $80 dresses we now had to choke up $250 for a dress we were only going to wear a few hours.

 

Moral of the story:  as the bride, you have complete veto power over the dresses.  You will drive a wedge through the whole party if you start picking sides and letting others sway the vote on the dress.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

As a bride, I’d probably still want my BM’s input, but as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’d keep my mouth shut unless asked, and even then I’d be super gentle. One of my bridesmaids told me she wasn’t in love with one of the dresses I suggested (I actively solicited opinions and all BMs could offer suggestions, but then said “but if you decide on it, I’ll happily wear it.”) We ultimately decided on a different dress, but that was the perfect response. Honesty, but also happy to do as asked (and my maids mostly paid for their own dresses).

ETA: I’m pretty sure my BMs liked the dress more than I did. I thought it was pretty, but ultimately they all loved it, and all but one (the one whose dress we paid for) has worn it again–I have photographic evidence! I was pretty proud of it, but it was definitely a long, difficult process. Facebook helped (a private facebook album the girls could add to and comment on).

Post # 13
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This happened to me. I was in a wedding where I hated the dress, jewelry, shoes and hair. I only had to pay for the shoes, and they aren’t so terrible although I haven’t worn them since. It was fine, none of us complained about to her face and she has no idea we all hated everything. 

Post # 14
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’d wear it. Unless I bought the dress and makeup, I’d just keep quiet.

Post # 15
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

When I was a bride, I paid for everything for my BMs, which they appreciated!  If they didn’t like anything, they didn’t tell me (which I also appreciated).  That said, I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my brother’s wedding and FSIL’s family paid for everything, which I appreciate.  While I actually do think the dress is beautiful, if I hated it, I wouldn’t say a thing.  I also don’t care how they do my hair or makeup.  It’s her day and I just want her (and my brother obviously) to be happy!  

Post # 16
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I probably wouldn’t say anything unless it was going to affect my health or my respectability.

Examples:

Health – Bride wants us to all use tanning beds. 

Respectability – Bride wants us to wear dresses so short that we can’t bend over at all without bearing our butts and undies.

However, if everything is generally harmless and just plain ugly, I probably would just suck it up and deal with it.

The topic ‘As a bm: If you were NOT paying for it, would you feel you had a say?’ is closed to new replies.

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