(Closed) As a bridesmaid, how much do you want/expect to be involved?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: How much involvement would you expect if you were a bridesmaid?
    I expect to be included on everything, all goings on, and help MOH organize parties, etc. : (5 votes)
    11 %
    I expect to be included on major decisions, and help MOH with some of her duties if necessary : (6 votes)
    13 %
    I expect to be informed or maybe consulted on major decisions and events : (8 votes)
    18 %
    I expect to be informed on events/details if they apply to me somehow : (15 votes)
    33 %
    I expect to be informed things only if I need to take action or must be involved (shoes, dresses) : (11 votes)
    24 %
    I don't want to hear anything until the parties and wedding day. email me the dress I'll be wearing : (0 votes)
    These don't apply to me (given the situation described below)... I'll comment : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7901 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    It really depends on the wedding, the bride, and our relationship. My best friend’s wedding… I expected to be adn was included in many decision… the dress, the BMs dress, lots of details… but not the details best left to her, her then-FI, and the hosts, such as venue, date, invitations, etc. But I was just in a wedding a month ago for my DH’s brother’s wedding and I don’t know the bride that well, though we are now family and it was lovely to be involved. I played no part in the planning and that was just fine with me.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2891 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    If we are besties I like to be included in all of it. I have spent months and months diying with brides for their wedding. I am as involved as a bride needs me or wants me to be. Sometimes that means i feel like we live together lol and sometimes that means showing up day of.

    (I didn’t know how to vote.)

    Post # 6
    Member
    2363 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

    I, personally, am wedding obsessed (as are many of us in this lovely community ;P) so I love to be involved! I’m just as happy dress shopping for something I’m required to wear as I am helping the bride cut 80 yards of tulle for swags from the ceiling! Ok, maybe dress shopping is a teeeeeny more fun, but we had lots of laughs with the tulle as well.

    I also want to be involved so that there’s good communication. For instance, I want to go dress shopping with the bride so that I can communicate how much I can/can’t spend on a dress. As far as style goes, eh, if I agree that I can pay $150, whatever you pick out, no matter how ugly or bad a color, if it’s $150, I’ll wear it with a smile!

    Post # 7
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would not want to be a part of the decision making process. Its hard enough making major decisions with just two people (bride and groom) and many people have to factor in family’s opinion’s as well. Once you get beyond two opinions it can get incredibly difficult to make everyone happy. The bride and groom can end up compromising on something to please others when they both prefer another option. Currently my Maid/Matron of Honor and I are both engaged (I’m also her MOH). I vent to her and run ideas by her, but in general I don’t expect her to disaprove of anything and if she does then thats too bad for her. With her wedding I’ve helped her a lot (mostly because she knows I love weddings and don’t mind). I found her photographer (who is a student at my school whose work I am familiar with), helped her pick her dress (though she picked my second favorite [which is good because its her favorite]), and helped her make a floral crown (that I don’t think she is planning on using anymore). I am probably going to let her other bridesmaid plan the bachelorette party (bride requested no shower) since that bridesmaid is paying for most of it (I’m poor and she doesn’t want that the prevent her from throwing the lavish party she can afford so she offered to pay for my portion instead of scaling back). I went into being Maid/Matron of Honor by hoping to be included in dress shopping (but not expecting it since too many people is a headache and I didn’t know if she would already be obligated to bring lots of family) and willing to help with craft nights (for invitations, flowers, decor and anything else that could be done on a craft night). But if she didn’t have anything like that I would have been fine to just show up. I did not expect to help her find vendors, but offered when it sounded like it would be helpful (she was looking for a student and I know lots of art students and recent grads). In My Humble Opinion I have already gone above and beyond my duty, but only because I wanted to and the bride was ok with letting me.

    For my wedding, I gave the bridesmaids a list of options for dresses, told them to buy them and gave them guidelines for accessories. I expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to throw me a bachelorette party, though the other guests will just friends (bridesmaids throughout the country) and I have offered to help plan. I am basically hoping we will go out to a bar for one night, nothing crazy. My other bridesmaids are throwing the shower, which I plan on helping a lot with and I have pretty low expectations (I just want an excuse to play the games).

    I would play it by ear. Some girls (like me) really want to help so if you have things they can help you with, let them. Others are ok with just showing up so if you don’t need/want help, just plan on them showing up. Most girls are willing to wear whatever (as long as it is budget friendly) and don’t need to be included in the bridesmaid dress shopping experience. If you can include them thats better since they are more likely to enjoy wearing the dress.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    882 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    The only difference between a maid of honor and a matron of honor is the word—one is married and one isn’t. So there is really no difference in terms of expectations and duties. 

    I have been in 8 weddings, and what the bride expected me to do was different every time. Generally, I was invied to all parties—engagement, showers, bachelorettes, bridesmaid luncheon, and rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Some brides had multiple showers and/or bachelorette parties, and as a bridesmaid/MOH I expected to be invited to them all. Fortunately for me none of the brides I stood up for ever demanded me to go to any of them—except just show up for the wedding. As a bridesmaid I really, really appreciated that. 

    I had 2 maids of honor, and going in, I knew one of them wasn’t really into all of the wedding stuff and planning parties, etc. That was fine with me, too! I knew this going in, and just wanted her to be there for me on my big day. 

    As a bride, I think the best thing you can do is let your maids and MOHs know in advance that you will invite them to everything just so they are aware of it all, and to show up and help when and where they can, but they are NOT obligated to attend/help with it all.

    That said, you have to stick to your word and not get upset if a Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t attend an event. You choose these women because they mean a lot to you, so don’t get hung up on the few things a few bridsmaids can’t do.

    Neither me nor any of my brides were DIY, so I can’t speak to that. Good luck, and try to be the bride that doesn’t put unrealistic expectations on your maids. It’s not worth it in the long run. Dealing with a lot of different personalities at one of the most stressful times in your life is hard for everyone involved—so set a precedent for them and everything should run smoothly! 

    Post # 9
    Member
    11419 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I really think the concept of being a bridesmaid has evolved significantly over the years.  I’m older, and I have been a maid of honor three times (two of those times, there also was a matron of honor involved in those weddings), and I also served as a bridesmaid four times for a total of seven weddings.

    For two of these weddings, I had no involvement whatsoever other than to purchase the dress and shoes and participate in the rehearsal and the wedding itself.  For five of the weddings, I (or, on one occasion, my mom on my behalf, when I was in college and had no job), also was involved in planning, hosting, or helping to plan or participate in a bridal shower. I was asked to go dress shopping (to look for her dress and the bridesmaids’ dresses) with only one of the brides, but that likely was more of a reflection of geography (the fact that I lived different state than some of my friends whose weddings I participated in) rather than my level of closeness to the brides.

    I believe I have only been invited to one “bachelorette” party in my life and that was for one of the weddings in which I was a bridesmaid. Bachelorette partys must not have been common when I was younger and most of my friends were getting married (at least they must not have been common among my friends.)

    Other than these tasks, I have never been asked to serve in any other capacity.

    Post # 11
    Member
    11419 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @yanamari:  Well, ideally, being asked to be in a friend or family member’s wedding is supposed to be viewed as an honor. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @yanamari:  I would think of them as your emotional support lifeline. There will be times when you’re obsessing about something seemingly unimportant to the rest of the world  (ivory vs cream napkins) or stressing about RSVPs ect. and its their job to listen to you vent and talk you into walking down the aisle the day of (if you’re getting cold feet and its just cold feet).

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