(Closed) As a close friend , do I tell her the truth about her fiance before her wedding?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would want to know, I agree that telling her is the right thing, but do it in a non-judgemental way, try not to sound too opinionated, just be a concerned friend!

Post # 18
Member
26 posts
Newbee

If you were my friend, I’d want you to tell me. It might be hard to hear at first, but dishonesty on this level is no way to start a marriage.

Post # 19
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

 I would tell her without adding your opinions in.

Also, be prepared to find that she may not want to hear it or it may not make any difference. No one knows anyone else’s relationship other than those involved. For him, yes, he may have dated the girl for 7 years but that does not mean that for him it was a loving, committed relationship. Maybe when he says "serious relationship" it means one he is completely involved whole-heartedly. 

I remember in college one of my friend’s ex boyfriends was totally playing his girlfriend who was very naive and thought that everything was great. I stepped in after he cheated on her with my friend. I ran into the guy with his girlfriend at a party and suggested he leave, the girl flipped and asked why I was being rude to him. I simply said "why don’t you ask boyf where he was last Saturday?" he glared at me and said "yeah maybe we should go". For whatever reason though, the girl stayed with him. Now they are married with a kid (well, had a kid and got married). I think it was a mistake but there is only so much input you can give.

Post # 20
Member
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I second GaBGirl, be prepared if she doesn’t want to hear it…One of my best friend’s from college has a slimy Boyfriend or Best Friend whom I blatantly caught cheating on with a girl who was KNOWN to have herpes…I told the friend out of concern for her health and she hasn’t really talked to me since but is still with the boyfriend…people have a hard time hearing truth they dont want to hear….Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m confused.. maybe its just the way I’m reading it.. but if this is your "Best friend", why are u just meeting her fiance now.. after they are already engaged? I would assume as best friends you would have heard about the guy pretty soon after she met him.. and could have warned her before things were serious. Also, do you have serious proof that he was still talking to his ex while dating your friend?

 

this whole story just seems confusing to me.

Post # 22
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’d say to tell her.  I endured the pain of a cheating H and it’s not something I’d wish on my worst enemy..well maybe on the woman he cheated WITH though..(dark humor attempt).

If she is your friend, Iknow you both value honesty in the relationship.  I’d have a sit down with her over coffee and let her know first how much you love her as a friend and how this is something that has been an internal struggle for some t ime but you feel she deserves to know everything..the truth too.

I am so sorry for your friend too.  I truly wish her well and that she is able to move on from this situation and all the best for her future.

Post # 23
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I second beagle, I would let your friend know the facts but try to hold back any opinion on the situation. Sort of like "hey, did you know that my friend __ dated__for 7 years….what a coincendence…." That should at least clue her in to the fact that he has fibbed to her about his past and being in a serious relationship. I know that I would find that news as a red flag to investigate further…

Post # 24
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

I agree that the best way to think of it is "would you want to know if it was you?"  You should tell her as a friend; no drama, no opinions.  Best of luck!

Post # 25
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This is so difficult, because I know what you mean. Sometimes we watch people marry that should never get married!

In this case though, I would definitely speak up. Just in a totally non-judgmental way, like… "So I thought you might like to know, and I’m just saying this for your information, that Mr. Soandso apparently dated a casual friend of mine for 7 years, and it turns out he cheated on her a lot. I’m sure your relationship is different, but you know, I thought if I were in your position, I’d want to know."

Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You need to tell her, as objectively as possible, like Mrs. Beagle said.  If you don’t tell her and she finds out later that you knew all along, she may be angry with you.  I’m sure it won’t be easy, but I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 27
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you should tell her. As a close friend, it’d be so hard to keep something like this from her. She might get upset with you but you’re just doing your duty as a true friend and I think that is someting she will appreciate.

Post # 28
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think you should tell her. Just let her know that he was in a relationship with X for 7 years, and that they broke up because he cheated (and you may want to add that you don’t think that he’s cheating on your friend now, but you wanted her to know because you heard him tell her that he’d never been in a "serious relationship" before). Then again, this guy may not think that that relationship was serious. After all, he did cheat.

Post # 29
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I also think you should talk to your friend. Better to say something now than to wait until they are married and he plays up or whatever and she finds out you knew something all along. That would probably make her more angry than you saying something now. Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think I may stand alone on this one…but hear me out, ‘kay? 

Someone once told me, "Don’t tell someone all there is to know just to make yourself feel better."  If your friend is truly happy then this is her time to decide what she wants-she can marry him if she loves him.  And, he may have dated the other girl for 7 years, but if he hadn’t proposed to her and they hadn’t married yet, maybe there was something holding him back?  Now he is in love with your friend who he HAS proposed to and she is probably feeling like she’s on top of the world-don’t ruin it for her and tell her something that has nothing to do with her-he hasn’t cheated on HER and their relationship is theirs to make what they’d like of it.  Also, he might possibly have said that the other relationship wasn’t serious because it might not have been to him-sometimes people remain in relationships because they’re already there and they don’t know how to get out…it can be a lengthy relationship, but that doesn’t make it serious.

That’s just my view-I read this post at work and have been holding out to be able to respond for hours! 🙂 

Post # 31
Member
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Only tell her if you think he will do something to hurt during the marraige. It is better she find out now, than before she gets married and would have to deal with divorce.

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