(Closed) As a guest, are you rude for not bringing a gift?

posted 6 years ago in Guests
Post # 31
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
luv2luv:  My personal opinion? Yes. I have always given a gift for every wedding I’ve attended. For my wedding, a few people shocked me by not gifting. Two of them were couples who I’ve recenlty attended their lavish weddings and given them a generous gift, so I feel they just forgot to gift to me. They are not people who don’t realize a gift is appropriate, especially when I gave nice gifts to them! 

Post # 32
Member
4139 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
luv2luv:  Yes, it’s rude not to bring a gift. Whoever says otherwise is just trying to justify rude behavior.

Post # 33
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

I guess technically it’s not rude, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable going without taking something. It’s kind of one of those fine lines, where everything is so “do this, not that” that instead of being able to send a list of where you’re registered with the invite, its rude, because it says you expect gifts, but then in order to get a gift, you have to find someone to ask so you can get a gift, when just sending the info would have cut out all the middle stuff. So I could see, maybe, if said guest wasn’t invited to a shower (they don’t have to be) didn’t know anyone to ask where the person is registered (is a possible, if it were say a work friend who didn’t know anyone else going, or something, not common, but hey, anything is possible) and decided to just say “screw it, they made this too hard, I’m not taking a gift”. Then again, most would just not attend if that were the case, but we’re doing hypotheticals, so I’m giving some hypothetical scenarios. If I invited someone and didn’t get a gift, I’d be like, oh well, and move on with my life. I think because of so many etiquette to do’s and faux pas issues, that it always seems like someone (whether host or guest) is in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. 

And some people do forget. With so many things online, it’s possible some people could know several people at once who are getting married, having birthdays, etc, and decide to go to say, amazon.com and order something for everyone, start adding, sending, and somehow something gets deleted from the cart, or its out of stock, or whatever, and they didn’t realize it and since it was supposed to be mailed out from amazon, it was an oversight. Again, hypothetical scenario. 

Post # 34
Member
13955 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Just as you imply, there are two sides to this. The couple should have no expectations or sense of entitlement. And while traditionally wedding gifts are voluntary, “new” etiquette a la Emily Post etc. insists they are mandatory. 

The catch for the traditional approach is that as a guest, unless there are extenuating circumstances, if you aren’t moved to give a gift within your budget that symbolizes the occasion, then you might ask yourself if you belong there. 

Keep in mind that etiquette allows gifts to be sent for up to a year, though before the wedding is most ideal.

As a PP noted, thank yous are for gifts, not presence. An exception might be the bridal party or anyone who volunteered on their own to throw a shower, help cook etc. Otherwise, you do run the risk of someone thinking you are fishing. 

Post # 35
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I honestly don’t think it’s rude to not gift, depending on the circumstances, but I do think it is rude for a bride and groom to expect gifts. You should not be throwing a wedding to get gifts; you throw it to celebrate with your family and friends. I do typically give gifts at weddings, but my Fiance and I were just invited to a wedding two weeks from now that we may not be gifting at. My reasoning is that we are planning our own wedding in 6 months from now, which is a huge financial expense for both of us and there is little room left for gifts to others. On top of that, we were just notified of this wedding yesterday and it is on the 23rd, so it is a little hard to go out of the way and pay for a gift when we did not plan for that expense this month. The wedding we were invited to is my FI’s friend, but this couple will not be attending our wedding due to capacity restrictions. Sure I may be uncomfortable not bringing a gift or money, but I would feel even ruder if I said no I cannot attend their wedding because I cannot afford a gift. Our presence there should be enough, a gift is not required. 

Post # 36
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Its customary to bring a gift (or send one later) but its not required. So I would say its neutral… not really polite but not offensive either. If youre offended by it you should check your entitlement.  It is VERY rude for the B&G to “follow up” or confront a guest about the lack of gift. And thank you notes are just for gifts FYI.  

Post # 37
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
luv2luv:  yes, it is rude not to bring a gift. there’s a difference between the bride/groom expecting and gift, and the obligation of a guest to bring a gift. even though brides/grooms are not to EXPECT gifts, that doesn’t alleviate the guest of the etiquette obligation to provide one nonetheless.

Post # 38
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
MrsMeowton:  I said it’s not rude to not bring a gift, however, I’ve always brought one myself. I’m not trying to justify ‘bad behavior’, but no gifts are not to be expected.

And yes, it’s redundant, therefore IMO gift grabby to send a thank you card to someone who did not give a gift.Because:

The reception is the thank you for attending the wedding/sharing in the couple’s day.

A thank you card is to thank the person for a gift. No need to thank someone twice for the same thing, you’ve already thanked them for attending the ceremony by properly hosting them at the reception.

Post # 39
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

I’d would never go to a wedding without giving a gift, but some people are in a bad financial state, so I wouldn’t judge someone for it.

Post # 40
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Absolutely rude. It’s social contract. A bride and groom invite you to their wedding, wine and dine you, and you give them a gift as a token of your appreciation.  It’s no different than bringing flowers or wine to a dinner party. The bride and groom aren’t meant to expect anything but when the average cost of a wedding is $26K USD, the least a guest can do is bring a card.

Post # 41
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort

I agree with most-it is rude and in poor taste to not bring a gift to a wedding. Even if you cannot afford any of the gifts the couple registered for, you can give a gift card to the places they are registred at, an AMEX giftcard or simply cash. There was a cost to the bride and groom for including you in their day and probably at the exclusion of others.

Post # 42
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you attend a huge party,  eat,  drink,  socialize,  and not  give a gift then you are a rude freeloader, none the less.  Embarrassing! 

Post # 43
Member
8007 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would never attend a wedding without giving a gift but I rarely take a gift to a wedding–if I’m purchasing from the registry I have it shipped to them and if I’m giving money I often send it before or after the wedding so that nobody has to keep track of it during the reception.

SO and I are discussing marriage–it won’t be a first marriage for either of us. While I prefer the idea of eloping with just our children if we did end up having a wedding I would not expect anyone to give us a gift, would not find it rude if they didn’t, and would frankly, given the circumstances, hope they wouldn’t. 

Post # 44
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
selinameh:  this exactly. Maybe they already really stretched themselves financially to just be there. Time off, travel, child care maybe. Or maybe they flat out just dont pay attention to etiquette but either way when a bride after their wedding comes on here in a huff about zomg those two “friends” who came emptyhanded… get over yourself!!

(and the gift might be coming later, so theres that).

Ive never not given a wedding gift but its really petty to focus on policing presents IMO.

 

The topic ‘As a guest, are you rude for not bringing a gift?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors