Post # 1
I’m one of those people who was REALLY hoping to have a “honeymoon conception”, and luckily DH is ready for children, too. Of course, there is one thing that’s making the adventure of TTC really more difficult for me than it should be.
The process. I’m talking about sex. You see, I’m asexual, and so for me having sex is a means to an end. Throughout my life I was told by friends “you just haven’t met the right guy”, “maybe you’re gay?” “you won’t know if you like it until you try it” “ha come to my house we’ll fix that!” all the tired lingo my fellow aces hear. Luckily I met a man who is kind, patient and gentle, and told me nothing will happen between us until I’m ready.
I wasn’t ready my first time, but I happened to check my period tracker app during our honeymoon and it said I was in my fertile window. When he asked if I was ready to consummate our marriage, I was like “…let’s do this.”
YEAH STILL ASEXUAL. My poor DH tries to make it enjoyable for me but frankly I’m just happy when it’s over and we cuddle for a while afterwards. I do tend to ruin the mood by immediately curling up in a ball like Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski, but now that I’m through my fertile window and we’re off our honeymoon, I patiently await what the outcome of my first sexual experiences will be… perhaps a fertilized egg!?
I won’t know until the 1st or 2nd week of July since all these methods of calculating time of ovulation were unknown to me until recently, and I have an irregular AF (does that mean aunt flo? I couldn’t find any chart and I read a few posts with all these new terms…) so it’s more a guess.
I’m worried that when AF does come, I’m going to be super disappointed. But so begins the journey. This was my first time trying to conceive, so I know I’ll be more prepared next time.
EDIT: For those who aren’t familiar with The Big Lebowski, Julianne Moore curls in a ball after sex w/ Jeff Bridges to “keep it all in” to up her chances of conception, not because she’s traumatized or anything like that.
Post # 2
If you want to get pregnant and you have irregular cycles, you should probably take a few more shots at the goal. Read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I don’t know much about asexuality, but if sex is not painful or traumatic for you, I would still have sex as much as possible while TTC. You may want to talk to your husband about ways to make it a better experience for you, both for TTC and for the benefit of meeting his sexual needs in the future (whatever they may be.) Good luck!
Post # 3
Being asexual, tracking ovulation using OPKs/temping might be the best way to even limit having sex. Hopefully it doesn’t take you long to get pregnant, but from someone who thought she would get pregnant really fast since I’m still young and both DH and I have a history of pregnancy… I’m on cycle 8 and it’s still not happening. It could take up to a year to happen naturally.
Best of luck <3 FX you get your BFP your first cycle TTC!
Post # 4
Unless you’re temping or using OPK’s, you really don’t know when you ovulated, meaning you really dont know if you had sex during your fertile window or not. If I were you, I would become the worlds best charter and make sure you’re hitting your most fertile days.
Your period app is just calculating averages and guessing when you are fertile. Most people aren’t ‘average’ and you could totally be missing your actual fertile days.
Post # 5
I’m guessing/hoping your husband knows you are asexual? If you really want to avoid sex maybe you should look into IUI?
Post # 6
Is your husband asexual too? If not, are you open to having an open relationship? I honestly can’t see this marriage heading anywhere successful if you don’t want to ever have sex and he does, and he’s not permitted to have a sexual relationship with anyone else…
Post # 7
it doesn’t sound like your husband is asexual and you need to discuss it thoroughly with him. He wants sex, he doesn’t see it as a means to an end (pregnancy) and what is the compromise going to be after you have the child?
Post # 8
First of all, I want to say I’m sorry for all those crappy things people have said to you throughout your life. It’s not right for anyone to discount your feelings and experiences, or turn them into a joke. People are just ignorant.
I don’t really have too much advice other than maybe seeing a couples therapist while you are TTC where you can all speak openly about your asexuality. You don’t want to push yourself too hard; that could really mess with your wellbeing.
And, although it’s slight off topic but I agree that you should definitely also be 100% honest with your DH. The way you worded some things about him: “patient and gentle, and told me nothing will happen between us until I’m ready.” kind of seems like you two have left things off that you’ll ‘see’ how you feel about sex and you may be interested in it (generally speaking, not just to conceive) when you feel ready. But maybe we are missing something.
Post # 9
Your post makes it sounds like he thinks there’s a chance for a sexual relationship in the future. It’s not fair to let him think that.
But as for TTC, if you aren’t interested in getting pregnant through the traditional way, have you considered in vitro? Using science to help avoid the sex part?
Post # 10
Is your husband okay with having a sexless marriage, other than for trying to have babies? Unless that’s perfectly clear to him, I think you should reconsider having children until the two of you are definitely on the same page.
Post # 11
this. Please don’t bring children into a marriage that is doomed to fail because you have vastly different expectations.
Post # 12
OP, just want to make it clear that no one is judging the fact that you are asexual. The issue is that it sounds like your husband isn’t AND he has different expectations of how the physical intimacy part of your relationship will progress.
Post # 13
I was under the impression that OP lost her virginity during her honeymoon.
I can relate to you. For the longest time I thought I was asexual, turns out I’m demi-sexual- regardless, I can relate to having no desire for sex. My ex was like your husband and okay with not having sex (he had a low sex drive). There are other ways to satisfy a partner without actual intercourse, and that’s what we did for 3 years.
If it was your first time, I can’t speak personally, but from what I’ve heard from others, it takes a few times for sex to become comfortable. You could even pleasure him another way and then have him ejaculate inside of you so you don’t need to deal with the penetration aspect.
Sorry if that was tmi!
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek
I’m neither assexual (although I do have a pretty low sex drive) nor TTC, but I was intrigued by the title of this post. I am shocked and angered by people’s comments on here. OP clearly stated that her husband is patient and understanding. Why on earth do you think his needs aren’t being met, that the marriage is doomed to fail, etc.??? Based on OP’s post, I’m inferring her husband is aware of her assexuality and is comfortable with it. Just because you’re assexual doesn’t mean you’re aromantic, and just because you’re assexual doesn’t mean you won’t ever have sex or want to meet your partner’s needs (even if you don’t derive pleasure from it). I think some PPs need to do some research on assexuality and be more open to other perspectives/ways of life…
Good luck with getting pregnant, OP!
Post # 15
I don’t think anyone is saying that the OP’s marraige will fail because
she is asexual, they are just saying that it is unclear from her post (specifically this part: “Luckily I met a man who is kind, patient and gentle, and told me nothing will happen between us until I’m ready.”) if her DH is aware of her asexuality – because it does sort of sound like maybe he thinks she just wasn’t ready for sex but could be open to a conventional sexual relationship in the future. Just came to a different conclusion from the post than you did but no one is judging her for being asexual and getting married.