Post # 1
Obviously I cut out the story, one: i feel like my examples were petty because im upset about this and two: it’s really hard to open up an issue to people that you don’t know and that don’t know you and i should be more aware of this before i make the choice to post about my life.
thank you to all the bees that replied when i had the story up!! I read all your replies and am currently considering what im actually doing.
for anyone new to the thread i have a bridesmaid in my wedding who used to be my bestfriend. We had a bad falling out and we tried to reconnect but it’s a very sterile and cold friendship now. She is also getting married and is busy with her wedding (as she should be) but i had hoped that our friendship could have healed but it hasn’t.
i don’t think we’ll be friends after the wedding regardless of whether she is in my wedding or not and i am considering asking her to step down so that she can focus on her wedding and i on mine without the hurt feelings of a strained relationship lingering over this. But im weighing whether or not just to keep her and see it through as i made a committment by asking her in the first place
for the bees who have been through this (on either side) can you share your advice or even your story? I need some help reflecting on this because imconflicted
again, thanks 🙂
Post # 3
@Tallulah_: I think she will be hurt no matter how you do it. I wouldn’t do it if I were you. I personally think it’s an immature move on your part to consider it.
Post # 4
@Tallulah_: Do you care about continuing a friendship with this girl? If so – this will probably destroy it forever. If you don’t, then go for it. I think you could play it two ways:
1. Mention that she seems stressed and busy with her own wedding, and offer to let her out of the wedding party if she is feeling this way.
2. Tell her you’re upset that she hasnt taken a bigger interest in your wedding / the way she is acting and you’d no longer like her in yours. This will probably cause friendship ending.
I would also consider this – do you really want a girl in your wedding photos that you wont be friends with / talk to after the wedding? You have to look at those photos FOREVER. Sure, it may be awkward to have the “you’re out of my Wedding Party conversation” but its more awkward having someone you hate in your photos forever.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I’m sure asking her to step down will be the end of your friendship. If I were you I would just shoot her an email to tell her, but I am nonconfrontational.
Post # 6
@Tallulah_: I know that you regret asking her, but from what you posted,I can’t see that she has done too much wrong. Bridesmaids are really not under any obligation to attend any events with you,much less spend the whole day together.
I would think that you would understand that with her own wedding cooming up, she too woud want to attend the bridal fair- to see things for her wedding,not yours. Of course conversations about your will lead to discussion about her wedding too.
So basically you want her out because she priorized her wedding and becuse you’re still hurt over her selection of bridesmaids that didn”t include you.
Post # 7
First, you should immediately refrain from talking to the Bridesmaid or Best Man thats inboth weddings. Gossip will only hurt your relationship more.
Second, it sounds like you have high expectations for your BMs to not onky take an interest in your wedding, but to participate in the planning. As a lukewarm Bridesmaid or Best Man I would just want to know what I have to wear and what tkme to show up. I wil smile and make your pics great, but more than that and you are asking alot.
I would say, ” Lisa, as we both know planning a weddinvg a lot of time and focus. Our weddings are so close to each others I have tthought about it and it’s best you attend mine as a guest.”
Post # 8
I had to cut my Maid/Matron of Honor out who was my life long friend. She (admittedly) screwed me over in such a way that I just no longer wanted her in my life. AT. ALL. Some people might consider it immature, but it would have made for a very awkward wedding day to still have her in my wedding when quite frankly, I didn’t want to have anything to do with her.
SOOOOO – like a few PP’s said, if you’re willing to not be friends with her, then do it.
Post # 9
Thanks for the comments! I know a lot of Bees don’t agree with this but thank you for reading it all! It’s hard to convey feelings through text but i appreciate all the comments even if you don’t agree with me.
Post # 10
@Tallulah_: Had to check your others posts to make sure I’m not Lisa, haha, I’m not! BUT
I was in very good friend’s wedding (been froends for past 6 years, went to grad school together) in September. My wedding was a month later and she stood up for me too.
I don’t know if it’s my circumstances but I really truly don’t see what Lisa has done wrong…
- You are not in her wedding party but she could have specific reasons for choosing the girls she did. Were all my bridesmaids actuallly my closest friends? No. I had the aforementioned friend bc we are close and she actually introduced Darling Husband and I, 2 cousins (bc they are family and the ones I am closest with and see myself continuing to be close with down the line, and my husband’s oldest niece because she adores me and I know it would mean A LOT to her. I also had my best friend who was the only “for sure” person in there. There are other friends I consider very close, closer than the family I chose, but I wanted people that I KNOW will be in my life forever or who played a role in getting me to my husband (introducing me to him)
- You have a problem with Lisa for not spending the Bridal Show with you. I see why she would want to get resources for her own wedding and would expect nothing different if I went with someone else who’s engaged. I feel like being engaged at the same time as a close friend is a great time to bond over the weddingS you are BOTH planning. It almost seems like you expect Lisa to focus on YOUR wedding bc she’s standing up in it but you don’t have to focus on HERS bc you are not standing up in it. I wonder if Lisa is upset with you becasue you dislike it when she brings up her own wedding…
- Lastly, think about dreams… Are you more interested in telling people a dream you had or in listening to a dream someone else had? I LOVE telling my husband my dreams, I think they are sooo interesting. He HATES listening to them because he has a hard time following, they go on and on. Wedding plans are kinda the same… they are most interesting to the bride. A good friend both talks and listens, don’t know if y ou and Lisa are both doing this…
Clearly you don’t want Lisa in your wedding so it’s to you what you’ll do. If you do ask her to step down I see this ending the friendship tho bc it’s not like she actually DID anything you could give as a valid reason (at least from what your post says)… Sounds like you’re still upset about whatever past issue there was between the two of you….
Post # 11
@julies1949: +1 Also I wonder who paid for the ticket…
@CurlyCue: +1 True story.
Post # 12
@Tallulah_: I was a bridesmaid kicked out of a wedding. The Bride did it via email. To be honest it was hurtfull to be kicked out, but also a relief. We obviously were not so good friends as we had thought and I couldnt support her the way she wanted supporting. It was bad behaviour from both of us. I have not spoken to the Bride since, but I do not consider it a loss to my social circle. The Bride had a fabulous wedding and enjoyed every moment. She did not regret kicking me out at all, and I doubt she misses our friendship. We have simply moved apart. I’d say you should just drop her a note to say things are not working and call it a day. You will think about it for a while, but soon will forget the issue completely.
Post # 13
@HourThyme: thank you so much for your reply! It’s so hard to express what’s going on through text and admittedly i just gave a few examples. Your dreams analogy is great and im definitely considering this perspective. Thanks 🙂
Post # 14
If you don’t want to be friends with this girl, it’s not a bad thing to cut her out of your life. You shouldn’t feel bad about moving on.
But I wouldn’t blame her for being a bad bridesmaid. She hasn’t done anything that terrible. I personally wouldn’t consider the things you listed as her “offenses” as worthy of being kicked out of the bridal party for. So when you meet her, I would make things about you. You feel like you’ve drifted apart. You feel like the friendship has run its course. And not “She’s a bad friend”, “She’s not worthy to be a bridesmaid”.
Post # 15
@Tallulah_: Why not just ask her if she’s still interested in being a BM? You could give her an out in that fashion. If she says yes, tell her what your expectations are and ask her again to confirm she can do it. State that if she has any hesitation, trepidation or if it would add to her stress, she can back out without any hurt feelings. However, if she can’t pony up, you’d ask her to step down, no hurt feelings.
Post # 16
@canadajane: i completely agree! She is not a bad bridesmaid and my examples were poor. Thanks for the advixe!