(Closed) Asking A Bridesmaid to Step Down?

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask this bridesmaid to reconsider her decision to be in my wedding?
    Yes : (3 votes)
    33 %
    No : (5 votes)
    56 %
    Other, I'll explain below. : (1 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I think a lot of the time, we as brides expect for our vision for the wedding to outweigh the other stuff going on in people’s lives.  I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man several times, and each time was pissed to buy the expensive dress and shoes that I have yet to wear again.  Did you consult the BMs before picking the dresses and shoes.  Did you give her fair warning on the expected costs?

    If you dont think the tension is about $$ or your relationship with each other, what do you suspect the problem to be?  You mention that her sister is in Iraq.  Maybe her concern for her sister takes precedence right now over your wedding.  Are you sure of her financial situation?  Its a recession.  Maybe she just doesnt have $100 to give towards you bach party.  Was she consulted on the activities or just asked to cut a check?  Could she just be jealous?

    I would not ask her to step down.  If she doesnt buy the dress or shoes, she is removing herself from the bridal party and you are guilt-free.  If she doesnt participate in all the planned activities (shower, bach party, slumber party in cabin – which sounds so fun) then she’ll just be angry at herself when she sees the pictures and hears you guys recapping the night.  Since she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor and you have other BMs, dont get hung up on this.

    A few years ago, I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding with a VERY DIFFICULT Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Everything was too expensive, she didnt like our ideas but didnt have any of her own, etc.  The bride didnt ask her to step down, but the rest of the BMs just excluded her from everything.  We cc’d her on emails as a courtesey but we didnt chase her for her input.  Tell your BMs to take the high road and stop telling you about their problems with her.  We kept the bride out of all the behind the scenes drama – she had enough on her plate.

    Post # 4
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    Wow…that’s such a tough situation to be in!  I’m so sorry that you’re having so much trouble with your friend A.  I think at this point, the important thing to start with first is – have you sat down with her and spent some time talking heart-to-heart?  You mentioned she is having a hard time with her sister being overseas, but it doesn’t seem like you two have sat down and talked about how it is affecting her mood and behavior.

    Instead of focusing on what she’s doing to create drama, maybe considering reframing the situation.  Tell her that you noticed she seems to be having a hard time lately, and that she seems really unhappy with the wedding planning.  Explain that you wanted this to be a fun experience for everyone, and that you would like to talk about what’s going on with her and how to help her out.  Let her know how much you want her to be included in everything, but that you are concerned that things might be too overwhelming for her right now with what she has going on.  Then let her take the lead and see where she goes with it.  You never know, she might tell you she isn’t feeling as good about being a bridesmaid as before! 

    I would not necessarily bring up what others have noticed about her behavior, other than just that she seems really stressed out and unhappy.  Maybe letting her know that other people have noticed her change in behavior too will be enough for her to recognize there is an issue.  Use this as a jumping off point to discuss your concerns. Be supportive of her, but don’t let it get in the way of you getting your point across.

    There is no one right answer to this.  Ultimately, you can only hope your friendship bond is strong, and that she will come to realize how her behavior is affecting your special day and your friendship.  Good luck!

    Post # 5
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    The first thing I’m wondering is how does she know the other BMs?  How do the other BMs know each other?  I’m kind of wondering if she is feeling like an outsider to the other BMs.  If the other BMs aren’t all great friends, are their personalities such that they’d get along better with each other, than A might get along with them.

    Other than that, there might be someting there about her sister, or maybe something about work.

    Also some things you said.

    "She wanted to pay less than I asked for for her Bridesmaid or Best Man gown,"  OK, how much did you ask?  You weren’t clear here, but is it possible that you wanted a dress that’s a bit expensive?  Or other costs that are expensive?  I know you said she makes the most money, but are you really sure.  And even if she does, it doesn’t mean anyone gets to judge how much she should allocate to another person’s wedding. 

    "she did not like the shoes that everyone else agreed on, telling me that they were ugly and that she would not like to spend that much on something she would never wear again."   Well I could never see myself being that nervy, but I can see someone not being happy about that.  I know a lot of brides, including me, just allow the BMs to pick their own shoes, as long as they are a certain color.  If a uniform shoe is required it should probably be fairly inexpensive.  (I don’t know how much these shoes are.)  It may very well be that everyone else liked the shoe but she did not.  What could she do?  She was out voted and has to pay for and wear a shoe she doesn’t like.  I think with regards to being in a wedding, everyone has different expectations.  While most people expect to pay for their own dresses, perhaps she did not think she’d be required to buy shoes she doesn’t like. 

    She complained about staying in a cabin with other people over the wedding weekend.  Did you mean the BMs or random guests she’s never met?  But if she has been feeling like an outsider, I’m not surprised that she doesn’t want to stay with the rest of the girls.  I understand you are paying for it, which is generous.  But could you just let it slide and say, "if you want to find your own place for the night, that’s fine too.  Whatever makes you more comfortable." 

    Well I don’t know if that helps.  Just from your post, I would at least ask if it boils down to some conflicting personalities with the other BMs.   And if so, try to keep an open mind.  It seems easy to see who the troublemaker is when everyone is great and one person is acting up. However, girls can be tricky.  It’s easy to exclude somebody who is not like them.  Good luck.

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