(Closed) Asking a Bridesmaid: Where’s the UNDO button?

posted 11 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Can you ask a bridesmaid to step down?

    No, that's totally inappropriate. Best to make do.

    Yes, if it means you'll feel a whole lot less stressed.

    Don't ask them directly. Give them the option to step-down.

  • Post # 3
    18627 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I would possibly talk to them to see if they want to step down due to not being close and time commitments but there is no way to ask them to not be a bridesmaid without hurt feelings.

    Post # 4
    1014 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    oh, that’s rough.  of course, you want people involved who are happy for you and interested in being part of the wedding!  i think the only thing you can do is talk to them.  ask them if they really want to be involved because it’s a serious cost/time/effort commitment or if they’d be more comfortable just coming as guests.  that way, you’re not asking them to step down, but allowing them an out if they’re really not feeling like doing it.  good luck!

    Post # 6
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I just posted about this a few days ago. I’m going to ask two of my bridesmaids to step down because we just simply aren’t friends anymore and it was causing me way too much stress worrying about how to get them to agree to take part in things when I knew they didn’t really care. Also I was worried about the photos, I want to look at my photos years later and still be happy with who I had with me that day, and I knew I’d regret having these two girls stand up with me. My situation is a little tricky and my wedding is far enough away that I can just continue to drift from them and deal with officially cutting them out of the wedding party later.

    But for your situation I would talk to them, let them know that you still care about them but you feel like you have all drifted and it would just be a lot less stressful for you and them if you had them as guests at your wedding instead. If you feel like you’ve already drifted to a point where the friendship doesn’t really exist then I don’t see anything wrong with you being the one to ask them to step down because if you were to leave it up to them they might say they will stay in the wedding party to avoid an awkward situation but that wouldn’t solve your problem.

    Technically I haven’t solved my problem yet because they aren’t aware that they aren’t in my wedding party, but I can tell you that even simply making that decision for myself has taken so much stress away and I feel so much better.

    I really hope things work out for you and you can relieve some stress! Good luck!

    Post # 7
    141 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    One of my BM’s just simply told me the other day that she could care less if she was in the wedding or not. She’s my cousin by the way, so I was thinking that she would want to be there for me since we’re family, but apparently not. Hope you figure something out! I know how stressful these dang BM’s can be!

    Post # 8
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Your bridesmaids are supposed to be supportive of you and your relationship, and those nearest and dearest to you. If they are not, then by all means ask them to step down and enjoy themselves as a guest instead. If they are stressing you out, then something is wrong and needs to be fixed asap. Those who love and support you should not make you feel stressed to the point that you regret your decision in asking them to be your attendants.

    Post # 9
    3871 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I regretted two of my bridesmaids because like you said, we used to be close.  I still wanted to be friends with them after the wedding and was afraid that this might cause a lot of strain on our relationship.  I certainly didn’t want to lose them as a friend. So I sucked it up.  Some people might disagree with me.  I wish I would have waited a few more months before choosing mine.  There was a friend that I didn’t chose because i wasn’t close with them at the time but ended being the best person to confide in with the wedding.  I told her later that I really regretted not choosing her and that I was sorry.

    How do you know they don’t care about you or your wedding?  Some people aren’t usually happy and excited about weddings.  They might be just busy with other things to be super excited about your wedding. 

    Ask them wedding related questions and engage them in answering.  You might be able to see if one of your bridesmaids, does not want to be in a wedding and they might offer to step down.

    Post # 10
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    If you feel akward about it they might too. Maybe you can explain it by saying something like you realize you aren’t together so much and it’ll be easier (for you both) if someone who lives closer helps you out. Then say you still want her to be there with you as a guest.

    Post # 11
    2083 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I definitely understand where you are coming from. For me it wasn’t at any point where I wanted to ask anyone to step down, but one of the biggest stressors for me was drama with the bridesmaids. It was all completely unnecessary and was something that I absolutely did not want to deal with/focus on so it was just frustrating when there were issues. I’m pretty sure the words “I would never act like this if I was in their wedding” came out of my mouth multiple times. I don’t think that any of them will really appreciate where you are coming from until they are brides themselves. I just chose to keep my mouth shut and pretty much ignore it all and pray that they would stop… it all worked out in the end, but doesn’t change that some things were extremely hurtful to me that they will probably never know about.

    Post # 12
    2206 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Okay, deep breath. You’re getting married in over a year, there isn’t that much about the wedding for them to be interested in yet. Have you tried hanging out and not talking about the wedding? For them, it is totally a distant event. They won’t get into it until it’s time to plan an event.

    You can ask them to step down, but you won’t be friends anymore, I guarantee. Much better to just work on actually being friends, not being BMs for a while. See how that goes before you make a decision.

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