(Closed) Asking Father's Permission

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 46
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I asked my SO specifically to not ask for my dads permission, that would make me feel like I’m a piece of property being bargained over, or like I’m about 12 years old. Instead, I asked him to ask for both of my parents’ blessing. That feels way less weird to me. But I think you can do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Post # 47
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
gatsbymermaid:  I agree that it is cultural and regional. I probably wouldn’t have felt 100% comfortable saying yes if Fiance hadn’t broached the subject with my parents. In my opinion, it is a show of respect toward them (FI and I are in our late 20s and established, but it still mattered to me). 

Post # 48
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My Fiance asked dads permission because he was brought up traditionally like that by his parents. My Dad was very suprised but said it was a ‘Nice Touch’.

I don’t really have an opinion. I suppose it is nice that Fiance thought about making sure my parents were happy with him as a person..

Post # 49
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

My dad passed years ago, so this comment is going to refer to Fiance asking my mom and older sister (practically my second mom since we are 9 years apaet). I’m not a fan of the tradition and neither is Fiance, but before we got engaged I casually mentioned that he should ask my mom and older sister for their blessing. I knew they would be caught off guard if he didn’t. Well…. I was right. He didn’t ask them and everyone was really put off by it. Everything seems to be okay now but I do wish he had asked them so that they feel included. 

Post # 50
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - Pantagis Renaissance

My father isn’t really in my life, but I let my fiancé know how important it was to my mom for him to ask her. I don’t really mind the tradition even though it’s really outdated and kind of misogynistic, but only because it meant something to my mom. She has been both mother and father to us kids (single mother of five), so I understand her feelings. 🙂 

Post # 51
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like asking permission is very archaic. If you are getting married, you’re a mature adult (hopefully lol) with your own life and don’t need anyone’s permission for anything. 

Post # 52
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Hans Fahden Vineyards

I’ll weigh in on this, as I’m one of the few coming from the male perspective and because I actually did this…today. 

My rationale for speaking to her father and mother don’t have their roots in anything other than me knowing that her parents are her only family and they are supremely important to her, so it’s important to me that they understand my intentions. It was the first time I’d been able to discuss marriage with them, and ended up being a very fruitful conversation that really helped me understand how they see their daughter. Yes, it was a little awkward when I started but it was clear that we were all having the conversation for her, so that we all found ourselves much closer together. I’m so happy I did. 

Yes, it has its roots in a very sexist, antequated tradition that I don’t agree with, but this wasn’t trading goats, this was a great conversation about marriage advice from the two people that know the woman with whom I want to spend my life.

It’s a case by case thing, and I wasn’t “asking permission” as my SO is about as free-willed as it gets, but I do think it is tasteful for those who are family oriented.

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by hereformybaybee. Reason: iPhone thumbs
Post # 53
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If my parents had known I was getting engaged before I did, I’d have been furious. I’m in the camp that thinks no matter what spin you put on it, the idea of my boyfriend and parents getting together to discuss my future  without me there too feels very paternalistic.

Post # 54
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

When my SO and I discussed getting engaged he asked if I wanted all of the traditionalties associated with it. This was one of them. I said no way!!!!! I am not close to my father at all (understatement, tbh) and if my partner did this I would just feel like a possession up for grabs. Hate it. But I think it was adorable my SO wanted to do what made me happy by asking if this was something I wanted. 🙂

Post # 55
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Nashville, TN

My dad is traditional and I’m so happy my Fiance asked permission. I won’t have wanted it any other way.

Post # 56
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

One thing I’d add: I’m extremely close to my parents (both of them), and very family oriented. I still don’t want them all talking about my future without me being part of the conversation.

Post # 57
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
CherryAndWhite:  I think it all depends on the family dynamic. My husband didn’t ask, but he did tell my parents what his plans were and wanted to let them know before he did it. My dad was so touched by it and it wasn’t something he was expecting but it did make him feel special that they knew before I did lol

Post # 58
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My Fiance talked to both my parents about asking to marry me. I too would feel weird if he just went to my dad (and I’m sure my mom would as well). Part of it was also because he was surprising me with a trip, so he wanted to tell them I wouldn’t be in-province for the weekend haha

Post # 59
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

i told my Fiance to ask for my father’s blessing before proposing. we had discussed the engagement and knew it was coming soon. i also knew my dad loves him, and would be incredibly happy we were finally getting hitched! it was really important to me. we’re generally a traditional family and i love my parents, who have taught me to be independent, make my own decisions, and stand up for myself. i wanted the two most important men in my life to support eachother and me. he could have told my mom, too, but like me, she’s really bad at keeping secrets and probably would have been weird with me for days trying to hold it in!

it wasn’t about property, ownership, any of that. some people view it that way, but i do not, nor do my parents. it was a sign of respect to the people who raised me. according to my dad, Fiance said things that “really warmed his heart” and it was a great conversation. having his blessing and my family’s support has worked out great for us in starting this new chapter in our life.

Post # 60
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2016

To each their own. My advice is to do whatever makes you comfortable.

It is an antiquated notion and I’m headstrong about making my own decisions. That said, I told my fiance (then boyfriend) that if he should ever want to propose then I would like for him to ask for my parents’ blessing. 

I did this for a couple of reasons:

1. I may not be old fashioned but my parents are. They consider it as a sign of respect where we are from. 

2. They rarely get to converse or spend time together without me there so I thought it’d be a nice opportunity to do that.

3. He went to ask for their blessing and to give them a heads up- not for “permission”. As if any of you ladies would actually deny marrying the man you love because your father or mother “disapproves”

4. He invited both of my parents out to dinner. My mom raised me every bit as much as my dad. 

5. I knew they would eat it up. They love my fiance!

Funny story actually, he took my parents out to a nice dinner. He didn’t actually tell them that he was planning on proposing until he finished walking them to their car. Lol! “Hey, I’m gonna ask your daughter to marry me…good night!” My dad really loved telling that story to my older brothers. 

Word of caution: people knowing before you lends to situations where someone may ruin the surprise. Speaking from experience here. Lol.

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