(Closed) Asking for a +1 when your longtime, live-in SO/almost-fiancee isn’t invited

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not going to bite your head off, but when some venues have strict numbers of guests that can be accommodated, and you have a LOT of people you’d like to invite and cuts inevitably have to be made, inviting a person you have NEVER met is not a high priority. I know you’d like to go with your SO, but just think- that’s a seat that a stranger is taking up that they’d perhaps rather fill with a friend or coworker or at least a +1 that they know. 

Post # 4
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ohheavenlyday I completely agree. In a perfect world, yes, you would be invited to this wedding. But if this distant relative isn’t close to your SO, so much so that he doesn’t even know you guys are in a serious relationship, then I can understand why you wouldn’t make the cut. Just know that it’s probably nothing personal. I imagine that the couple wants to ensure that all of their nearest and dearest can actually attend. I’m sure that when you and your SO are planning your wedding, you’ll be wrestling with similar dilemmas like this one!

Post # 4
Member
46419 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry, but yes it would be rude. When you are planning your own wedding you will be on the other side of the decision making, and you will understand why someone who is not yet even living together is not invited. Every couple has to draw the line somewhere.

 

Post # 5
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m curious why either you or SO want to attend this wedding given your lack of closeness to the couple.

We recently had this situation where FH was invited to his cousin’s wedding, and I wasn’t, despite the fact that we’d been engaged about nine months by the time the invites went out. As in your case, FH and the cousin are not that close, so FH declined (for more reasons just than the fact that I wasn’t invited, I admit; who the heck gets married the evening of Easter Sunday?!). That solved the problem, for us anyway.

Post # 6
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

did the STD say it is only for him? Generally I’d just assume he’s get a plus one.

Post # 7
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The fact that they are not close makes it even more likely that they may still not want to invite you. Your Fiance is an adult he should be able to go to a family wedding without you. Like PP said you cant assume peoples situations and you have to draw the line somewhere. And even thoug im sure you are a nice person, a distant cousins almost fiance who i never heard of or even met would not make the cut on my guestlist. So i wouldnt say anything about it.

Your Fiance could contact his cousin to say congrats on the upcomming wedding and let them know how you guys are planning to wed soon. Then if they want to add you to the guest list they can. But i wouldnt try to force it.

Post # 10
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think it is rude to ask especially if he dosn’t know he has a g/f.  I’ve done it too to my cuz’s wedding.  And one of my cusins also asked if she could bring her b/f, not even fiance to mine.  If you are really worried about it, maybe wait until you have the invite and are engaged.  If there is no +1 he can say, can’t my fiance come?  That is reasonable.

Post # 11
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Kant: How far away is the wedding? Correct me if I am wrong, but I have heard several bees say in other threads that long-term relationships/live-in SOs should expect to be included as a plus one. Especially when the invitee wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding. So why not now?

The fact of the matter is that you are long-term (3 years) AND you will be living together (in a month) thus you should be included under both clauses. Unless the wedding is in a month or two away I would expect (as a bride myself) that the +1 could be arranged. If there is no room, well fiance can send his hearty congratulations and not attend (they haven’t spoken in 3 years after all).

Just my 2 cents.

Post # 12
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wait for the actual invites – I addressed all my Save-The-Date Cards to just that person / person+family, not + guest.

If you two are planning to get engaged soon, and he’s comfortable, he could talk with the cousin. I actually just got a wedding invite from my uncle, and it was addressed to just me. I’ve been dating (and engaged) longer than he’s known his Fiance, so I was a bit ticked. I took the advice I was given on here and asked his wife to be about bringing my Fiance with me.

Now, who knows if it bothered her, but inviting me and not my Fiance (when we just sent out Save-The-Date Cards ourselves, which I even put her name on) was an insult. They invited both my sisters and their spouses, so I didn’t see why my spouse wouldn’t be invited.

Post # 13
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m with frog on this one. Honestly, it sounds like they sent him an invite because they felt like they *had* to. If he and his cousin aren’t close, never talk, and he’s never mentioned that he has a girlfriend in the last 3 YEARS, I have no idea why he would want to go to this wedding.  I know it’s frusterating that you weren’t invited, but no, he can’t as for a +1. He can however, decline the invitation which seems like the best thing for everyone. He won’t have to leave you, you won’t have to feel left out, and the couple won’t have to pay for strangers at their wedding.  

Please don’t take that harshly, I really mean to be nice. I know I definitely wouldn’t go to a wedding where I hadn’t talked to someone in over three years. I’d send a card congratulating on starting a new life.

Post # 14
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would wait for the actual invite to call. You’ve only recieved an STD at this point, so don’t know for sure. Perhaps you could subtly let them know you exist by sending a congratulations card (perhaps “congrats on your engagement”, or “congrats on your upcoming wedding”), and sign it with BOTH of your names (and maybe let them know you look forward to seeing them at your wedding? BUT ONLY if you’re planning on inviting them, obviously). You could also send them an engagement anouncement when you do get engaged.

I agree with the minority of PPs who say that since you’re long-term, almost living together, and almost engaged, you should be invited. It’s probably just that they didn’t know you exist, like you said.

However, just to qualify the above, I agree that they probably only invited your FH because “he’s family” — but you don’t know for sure, they might be intent on having a big huge get together, and WANT 300 guests — and I have to say that if I was invited, I might not go, just because I don’t know them. : ) But if YOU want to go, then I think you’re well within your boundaries to subtly hint for a +1.

The topic ‘Asking for a +1 when your longtime, live-in SO/almost-fiancee isn’t invited’ is closed to new replies.

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