(Closed) Asking for money on our wedding website?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
46403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t want things, don’t register for things.Your guests will figure it out. If someone ass,, you can say that you do not need any more household items.

Use word of mouth to pass on information that you would prefer monetary gifts.

Post # 4
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with @julies1949. best just to pass that by word of mouth.

Post # 5
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We wrote, under a “WEDDING GIFTS” link on our page

A gift table and cards box will be available at the reception if you would like to bring a gift

Any cash donations will be put towards a deposit on a house and a new fridge

Almost everyone bought cash or a gift card. It is not uncommon or uncouth in Australia to ask for money at a wedding

Post # 6
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I didn’t register and didnt mention anything about money on our invites either….and a lot of people asked and when we told a lot of our fam….they didn’t even bring anything not even a fuckin card.

Post # 7
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would always advocate spreading the request for money by word of mouth, and also do in this situation.  Your guests are smart enough to figure it out.

HOWEVER, and I suggest this ONLY because your location says Manitoba… but

“In the city of Winnipeg, Manitoba, the word presentation-signifying a cash wedding gift as an alternative to material objects, and usually stated on the lower right-hand corner of the wedding invitation-has become recognized, if somewhat controversial, across class, linguistic, and ethnocultural boundaries. Both implicit and complicit coding methods overshadow or disguise the transactional nature of the cash gift in order to make the request more polite. Presentation is echoed in such forms as rhymed cash requests and themed receptacles, which likewise disrupt the economistic undertones of the cash gift while maintaining the personal face of the wedded couple and their guests. We argue that such customs offer layered codes that not only reinforce the taboo on requesting cash, but critique capitalism’s invasion of this rite of passage and its associated events”

DH’s extended family is from Winnipeg, and were totally flabbergasted as to why we didn’t just write “Presentation” on our wedding invites.  We’re from BC and had never heard of this… but if your family is used to seeing it written right on the invite, they may be more than ok with it noted fairly blatantly on your website.

I’m now ready for my weddingbee flaming….

Post # 9
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@KellyLouise:  Not sure where exactly in Australia you live, but where I live it is incredibly rude to ask for money (or anything). Australians are fairly laid back, but there is a standard.

 

OP pass it on by word of mouth.

Post # 10
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@futuremrste:  I suggest going the presentation route AND spreading by word of mouth. As someone who is not familiar with the presentation custom, I would have Googled “presentation on wedding invitations” if I received such an invite and found my answer. I don’t consider it rude to ask for money via presentation (local custom) or word of mouth (proper etiquette). Custom trumps whatever preconceived notion I have of politeness. When in Rome…

Post # 11
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I discussed this with my mom and matron of honor today. Supposedly it’s completely acceptable to put gift information in the wedding-shower invitation, which I didn’t know… Not the wedding invitations though, of course. 

Maybe you could put on your site “For wedding gift information, please contact:” 

Or they have sites that you can break gift amounts down for whatever you want like houses, honeymoons, etc.

http://www.uponourstar.com/accountpage.aspx?brideid=262

 

This couple lists “Our Dream Living Room Room” “Each gift $100” and under “Quantity” there are like 10. They do this for rooms as well as items that represent upgrading (Paint can)

Maybe you can do this instead of asking for cash/checks, like any other wedding registry?

Post # 12
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not mention anything about asking for money anywhere.  It can be spread by worth of mouth, but not written anywhere.  I think it’s rude and presumptuous, and I honestly would consider giving a significantly smaller gift in a wedding that asked me directly for money.

Post # 13
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@abbie017:  Can you explain why in more detail please? I really don’t understand. I’ve always wondered why people find it rude to request money, but not rude to select exact things to buy on pre-selected registries. I don’t see the difference. Being a guest, I’d like to know if the bride and groom prefer money over gifts, and I don’t want to jump through hoops to find out about whether they want cash or a physical item or what physical item, and I don’t want to have to get registry information through word of mouth either. I don’t want to waste time trying to guess what they want, shop, or pay website shipping on something they may or may not like, because I found it too bothersome to get their gift registry information. And chances are, I won’t get them what they’d really want or need, which makes everyone unhappy. To me, THAT’S rude because I’m expected to bring a gift, but instead of making it easy for me, I’m forced to call various people and somehow tactfully ask whether they know or not, and it’s awkward, wastes time, and if people aren’t home it’s even worse. I’d love for it to be on a site. No leg work, no guessing, no wasting time, and no unhappy bride and groom. I see gift registries and cash as being the same, and if they’re both not easy to find out, then I’M more likely not to bring a gift, because they made it as hard on me as possible.

 I understand that it seems brash to be in a formal wedding invitation, but if registry information is in a wedding-shower invitation or on a website, I don’t understand why requesting a preference of cash over a pre-selected gift is more rude?   =/ Genuinely am confused.

Post # 14
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I see having a wedding registry just as rude as listing a preference for cash where registry information is. They both give the impression that the bride and groom EXPECT you to bring a gift. I can see where that is rude, but for some reason it’s NOT rude to have a registry, even though by simply having a registry, the assumption/expectation that you’re to bring a gift is automatically there. Bah! It makes no sense to me. =/

Post # 15
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@yanamari: Apparently back in the day, ladies used to keep a registry at their favourite stores, just in general, for their own reference of what China patterns they had or whatever, or if someone wanted to get them something for any occasion, or if you were hosting a party and someone broke something, even if you said “oh no, no… don’t worry about it” they could discreetly go to the store and get you a replacement.  So now registries seem to escape the scorn because they’re “tradition”.  Even though the way we create them specifically for an event has changed significantly.

Post # 16
Member
46403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@yanamari:  Etiquette changes over time, but slowly.

Registry information began to be included on shower invitations because the whole purpose of having a shower was to shower the bride with gifts.

That is not the whole purpose of a wedding, so in most instances it is still not considered acceptable to include registry information on the wedding invitation itself.

In the past, brides (shower) and couples (wedding) were given gifts to help them establish their home, not pay for the wedding or honeymoon (ETA using honeymoon in the modern sense of taking a trip after the wedding).

Couples now are starting to feel that it is ok to request cash for these purposes.

That goes against a basic priciple of etiquette that one should never expect a gift much less request a specific gift ,whether they are wanting the cash to buy something specific for their household, make a down payment on a house, pay for the wedding or honeymoon.

This too shall change given enough time.

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