Post # 1
Engagement is still a couple years in the future for my SO and I l, but one thing he has asked me is if I think he should ask my parents for their blessing/permission to marry me. I’m not sure – because they are traditional and would probably feel slighted if he didn’t, but I also think there’s a solid chance they’ll say no or tell him to wait a few years.
Some background, SO and I have been together for 7 years, since we were 16. We are 23 now. When we first started dating, he was my first boyfriend and my parents were very upset that I had a boyfriend and tried to stop me from seeing him. (They are quite strict). So I think that over the years they have come around but they are still not super close to SO. This is in contrast to his parents, who treat me like their own daughter. Anyways, I think my parents like SO now, but it’s hard to read them.
SO and I are planning on getting engaged in a year or two, so I’ll be 24 or 25 when we get engaged and I know for a fact my parents think that is too young to be engaged or married. Lots of my friends are engaged/already married and my parents are horrified. Every time I go to another wedding they tell me how short sighted my friends are for choosing to get married at our age. (My parents got married at 31 and 32 after dating for a decade.) So I’m worried that if my SO asks for permission to marry me, they’ll either straight up say no or say that he should wait about 5 more years. And then it would be awkward when we go ahead and get married anyways.
I’m leaning towards telling SO not to ask them (also satisfies my feminist leanings) and dealing with any backlash from that. Has anyone dealt with similar?
Post # 2
I would go with not asking. It’s not relevant in this day and age, you aren’t their property and are free to get married as you wish. Especially if you think they wont be supportive, I wouldn’t put that pressure on your relationship. If your parents feel slighted ask them why they think they should be in control of who and when you marry.
Post # 3
You are adults. You don’t need your parents blessing/permission to get married. I don’t get why anyone is still going along with this outdated and sexist tradition.
But if you don’t plan on actually respecting whatever they say then you definitely shouldn’t ask. That makes no sense to me. If the tradition actually matters then the answer should actually matter. So yeah, don’t bother asking.
Post # 4
my husband didn’t ask because he knew I’d be pissed if he did. My father hakf-jokingly said “I don’t recall you asking my permission to marry my daughter” and my husband straight up said “your daughter didn’t want me to and I’m more afraid of her than you”. My dad got a big laugh out of that response!
Post # 5
If my partner had been the one to propose and if he’d asked my mother for permission, I would have been very cross. My mother would have said yes, because she likes him – but I think in our day and age it is definitely not necessary.
Also, I don’t think you’re being overly hasty. I’m 32 and getting married this year and if I’d married the boyfriend I had at your age, it would have neded badly. But there are a good few friends from school who married in their early to mid-20s after dating for a few years and most of them seem perfectly happy.
Post # 6
You’re an adult and don’t need your parents permission to get married. Don’t let their opinions put a damper on your happiness at that time.
Post # 7
Don’t ask, tell. My husband didn’t ask my parents permission, but he did tell them that he was going to propose.
Post # 9
So I’m a little bit split on this. I agree women are not property and that asking for permission does imply that but I live in the southern US and it would be considered pretty rude not to speak to the father/parents before proposing. I don’t think people really “ask” for permission anymore it’s more of a formality and a heads up. My D H basically told my dad he was going to propose prior to doing so.
If your parents are going to be against the marriage then they’re going to be against the marriage and it will be awkward whether or not your SO “asks for permission.” I think he should speak to them and just give them a heads up. Not sure where your from, but like I said if someone didn’t do this where I’m from it would be rude which I don’t think would help your parents feelings on the matter.
Post # 10
So if he asks permission, and they say no, are you prepared to not get engaged then? Or are you just going to go ahead and get engaged anyway?
I don’t believe in asking permission in the first place, but if that is something you choose to do then I think it is disrespectful to ask with the intent of ignoring them If you don’t get the answer you want. You either respect that belief/tradition and their answer whole-heartedly or just don’t do it at all.
Post # 11
My husband didn’t ask, because me and my mom would both have been pissed off if he had. So I think you’re totally fine to not ask for their blessing. Your parents sound very judgmental; just because getting married at 31 was the best choice for them doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for everyone. It is perfectly reasonable for you to get married in your mid/late twenties after dating for nearly 10 years! I think you should continue to be mature about this and when you’re engaged, let them know that you hope they will support you and your partner in this decision.
Post # 12
don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
Post # 13
Thanks for the responses! Definitely seems like the consensus is not to ask as we would get engaged regardless of what they say. It definitely is a cultural thing in my area though.
Post # 14
I think it is respectful to ask, but I would make it clear that I am asking for their BLESSING, not their PERMISSION.
Post # 15
I think if there’s any chance they’ll say no, then just skip it. It sounds like it’s not important to you (which I get – I told my Fi that there’s no way in hell he should be asking anyone but me), but rather just this “tradition” thing to them. I’d skip it.