Asking for parents' blessing when you think they might say no

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
8209 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would go with not asking. It’s not relevant in this day and age, you aren’t their property and are free to get married as you wish. Especially if you think they wont be supportive, I wouldn’t put that pressure on your relationship. If your parents feel slighted ask them why they think they should be in control of who and when you marry. 

Post # 3
10549 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You are adults. You don’t need your parents blessing/permission to get married. I don’t get why anyone is still going along with this outdated and sexist tradition.

But if you don’t plan on actually respecting whatever they say then you definitely shouldn’t ask. That makes no sense to me. If the tradition actually matters then the answer should actually matter. So yeah, don’t bother asking. 

Post # 4
8986 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
9169bee :  my husband didn’t ask because he knew I’d be pissed if he did. My father hakf-jokingly said “I don’t recall you asking my permission to marry my daughter” and my husband straight up said “your daughter didn’t want me to and I’m more afraid of her than you”. My dad got a big laugh out of that response! 

Post # 5
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If my partner had been the one to propose and if he’d asked my mother for permission, I would have been very cross. My mother would have said yes, because she likes him – but I think in our day and age it is definitely not necessary. 

Also, I don’t think you’re being overly hasty. I’m 32 and getting married this year and if I’d married the boyfriend I had at your age, it would have neded badly. But there are a good few friends from school who married in their early to mid-20s after dating for a few years and most of them seem perfectly happy.

Post # 6
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Canada

You’re an adult and don’t need your parents permission to get married.  Don’t let their opinions put a damper on your happiness at that time.

Post # 7
838 posts
Busy bee

Don’t ask, tell. My husband didn’t ask my parents permission, but he did tell them that he was going to propose.

Post # 9
961 posts
Busy bee

So I’m a little bit split on this. I agree women are not property and that asking for permission does imply that but I live in the southern US and it would be considered pretty rude not to speak to the father/parents before proposing. I don’t think people really “ask” for permission anymore it’s more of a formality and a heads up. My D H basically told my dad he was going to propose prior to doing so.

If your parents are going to be against the marriage then they’re going to be against the marriage and it will be awkward whether or not your SO “asks for permission.” I think he should speak to them and just give them a heads up. Not sure where your from, but like I said if someone didn’t do this where I’m from it would be rude which I don’t think would help your parents feelings on the matter. 

Post # 10
5077 posts
Bee Keeper

So if he asks permission, and they say no, are you prepared to not get engaged then?  Or are you just going to go ahead and get engaged anyway?

I don’t believe in asking permission in the first place, but if that is something you choose to do then I think it is disrespectful to ask with the intent of ignoring them If you don’t get the answer you want.  You either respect that belief/tradition and their answer whole-heartedly or just don’t do it at all.

Post # 11
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My husband didn’t ask, because me and my mom would both have been pissed off if he had. So I think you’re totally fine to not ask for their blessing. Your parents sound very judgmental; just because getting married at 31 was the best choice for them doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for everyone. It is perfectly reasonable for you to get married in your mid/late twenties after dating for nearly 10 years! I think you should continue to be mature about this and when you’re engaged, let them know that you hope they will support you and your partner in this decision.

Post # 12
1083 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
9169bee :  don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. 

Post # 14
58 posts
Worker bee

I think it is respectful to ask, but I would make it clear that I am asking for their BLESSING, not their PERMISSION. 


Post # 15
610 posts
Busy bee

I think if there’s any chance they’ll say no, then just skip it. It sounds like it’s not important to you (which I get – I told my Fi that there’s no way in hell he should be asking anyone but me), but rather just this “tradition” thing to them. I’d skip it. 

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