Asking for permission vs asking out of courtesy

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
908 posts
Busy bee

I have to agree with the “You totally overreacted.” He opened a conversation with he thinks he is going and you are miffed because he should have read your mind. Thats not how it works. 

You had an opening to say, “hey we havent spent a relax weekend together in forever, do you think you could go another time, like next weekend, so we can have a nice weekend together. 

You cant fault him because you think things out way in advance. Its unfair. He really cant win either way in the situation as you put it. 

Post # 32
6348 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

“I’m a big communicator, I’m all about open communication.“

You don’t seem to be.  Your fixation in semantics and expectation for your husband to read your mind get in the way of healthy communication.

My husband and I check in with the other using the same phrasing your husband did.

Post # 33
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m thinking you may be expecting more than is reasonable in this situation. My husband and I don’t ask each other permission, or even ask the other person at all if a scheduling decision is okay. We’re both adults and kept individual calendars just fine for years, we don’t now have to ask someone if spending time with a friend is okay just because we’re married. I do let Darling Husband know if I’ve made plans and expect him to do the same so if there was something we forgot, there’s time to talk about it, but honestly, I don’t even say “I’m thinking about,” I just say, “I am meeting Jane for a drink tomorrow night. You’re going to be here for the kids, right?” He does the same to me. We’re both adults and treat the other as such, just confirm child care is covered. The only thing that is “sacred” and requires permission is dage night. Permission must be asked to make a plan on date night that isn’t a date.

Post # 34
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Home

HmmI think the only time I would ask for permission for an activity vs asking out of courtesy would be if I knew that the thing I ask asking for was either something he wouldnt be happy about  or something that would inconvenience him. In all other scenarios I think it is simply a matter of making sure your schedules mesh up and everything that needs to be done gets done and no one is feeling neglected. So in the situation you mentioned with about going to the farm with his dad, it sounds like it wouldn’t be an inconvenience to you in any way so really out of courtesy he just needs to make sure that he isn’t neglecting his family duties or you. If you do feel that he is neglecting you by leaving to hang out with his dad on the one quite weekend, first I would consider how often does he get to see his dad? If it isn’t often then I feel like it would be courteous of you to let it be. If this is something he has the opportunity to do all the time but hanging out alone with you isn’t then I would let him know that you want to spend time with him, and if he is looking forward to this weekend trip then maybe he could commit some time next weekend to do something fun with you.

Post # 35
1190 posts
Bumble bee

I think I would be more annoyed by asking “out of courtesy”, because he implication is that if you said no, they would still do it anyway? In which case, just say you’re doing it. I dunno, I prefer when people are direct. 

I don’t have a problem with your husbands wording. My hubby either says stuff like “I’m just going for a couple of drinks with Ed!” or he will properly ask like “Am I free to play golf on Saturday?”.


Post # 36
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It sounds like like you made plans in your head about DH’s time without consulting him (WE would have nothing to do), which is the exactly opposite of what you’re expecting him to do.

He actually communicated his own plans and opened the door for communication. 

I think more than overreaching on semantics, you’re not holding up your end of the “communication about plans” bargain. This isn’t an argument caused by your husband.

Post # 37
2897 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
kmmq72 :  I too think you overreacted about the hunting trip/farm thing because you were expecting him to read your mind.  Last time I checked, the Jedi Mind Trick doesn’t work (and if it does, please tell me how!)  You were upset that your husband didn’t think of asking to spend time with you instead of jumping at the chance to go to the farm.  I have learned from too many relationships that if I want something, I have to ask for it.

My husband is like yours in that if he says he’s thinking about doing something, that means he’s going to do it.  But his wording still asks for conversation.  My husband and I both work a lot of weekends.  Recently my husband mentioned doing something on a Saturday morning with one of his friends that he doesn’t see too often.  I told him our niece’s birthday party was later that day, and asked if he could swing by when he was done.  He thanked me for reminding him as he didn’t actually have it on his calendar.  Win win for both of us because he got to do what he wanted to.

You also have to remember that because something may be your love language doesn’t mean your partner should have to move the ends of the earth to placate you.  I didn’t read the whole book, but I would guess my ex’s was words of affirmation (or whatever it’s called) and there’s a reason he’s an ex.  It was exhausting and I felt like I was on eggshells all the time.  I think he actually wanted me to ask permission to do things, not just a courtesy check and I think you have to be honest with yourself in what you’re saying.  You’re saying you want the courtesy check, but when your husband gave you exactly that, maybe using different words than you would have, you got upset.

I think you need to relax and not be so high strung over symantics.  You had the opportunity to speak up and you didn’t.  If your husband feels like he has to walk on eggshells then things are going to go sour quite quickly.

Post # 38
377 posts
Helper bee

Wow what an overreaction!! 

I don’t understand your point If I’m honest, he’s been very polite with how he’s asked and is basically wanting you to then say your bit about possible plans. What is this about you not having plans and looking forward to you both chilling out…I understand that it’s great chilling out with him but the fact that you have no plans means he can go to the farm?! There’s going to be a life time together to chill out. Does he see his dad often?? As someone who’s lost their dad I find it a bit selfish. 

When telling my SO about my plans I ask if we have anything going on that day, if not I’ll tell him I have plans without him. If we do have plans then I’ll make the decision as to what to do. MrBennett does the same. We invite each other sometimes but I need my own time and I don’t need permission for this, nor do I need to be pussy footed around.

Post # 39
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re upset over semantics. You claim that you understand that as adults you don’t have to ask each other for permission to do things or go places, yet you’re upset because he didn’t word his possible plans as a request for permission. If my spouse expected me to ask permission for what I was going to do on a weekend that we both knew we had no plans for, I would find that overbearing.

Post # 40
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Nothing wrong with what he said.. and also if you say you don`t think you need to ask permission as your both adults then stick by that.

Either you want him to ask you permission or you dont

You are both adults when he said that this was your opportunity to voice an opinion

Post # 41
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This post alone has exhausted me. I can’t imagine having to be so careful choosing my words and weighing semantics.

Post # 42
2383 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s definitely an overreaction. He was asking you—he didn’t say he was going, he said he was thinking about it. That was your opportunity to tell him if you would rather you two do something else.

If there is something you want to do—like sleep in, eat breakfast, and then maybe just enjoy quiet time—you need to let your husband know that. He can’t read your mind!! I used to hope my husband would just think the same thing I do, but I’ve had to learn to express what I want to do out loud so that he knows what is going on in my head. It is too much to ask someone to be able to read your mind. 

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