(Closed) Asking guests to pay for meal

posted 4 years ago in Reception
Post # 46
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

Since it’s a after party, I don’t think you would be required to pay for the meals, but rather than have people foot the bill for their own meals, could you have something at your place or a friends house?

Then you could have something more in your budget, with your own cake and things. That’s what I would do in this situation.

Post # 47
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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KittyNoire : I don’t think asking your guests to pay for themselves is really an option.  What kind of a budget are you working with?  Is it possible to put the wedding off so you can save more?  Would you be able to host something at your house?

Post # 48
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

So, full disclosure I haven’t read any updates/posts, only the OP. So, my take based on your original questions:

I think as the hosts, you should pay for what you can afford to host. So, if that means you can host cake and champagne for 11 people, that should be what you host. Then if you want to spread by word of mouth a casual continuation of the party afterward, I think people can pay their own way for that without it being as rude as expecting them to show up and have to pay for everything off the bat.

If you can’t afford to host them for anything, I would sincerely suggest taking your 2 witnesses out for a meal after your service, and then have a celebration (that you pay for) later…maybe a 1 year anniversary party? If they are all aware of your finances, it is my opinion that they wouldn’t scoff at not having a reception. They’d understand. If, too, these people have similar jobs (thus similar incomes) to you and your Fiance, then they might not have money for a night out at whatever restaurant you choose either. 

Idk I think some etiquette rules are flexible nowadays for some people, but I sincerely believe no matter what traditions/rules you choose to buck you should always always 1)host only what you can afford 2)pay for the people you host. In your case, that looks like it means either postponing the celebration aspect, or hosting your 2 witnesses.

Good luck! Congratulations!

Post # 50
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
KittyNoire :  If you can afford cake then that’s what your guests should have. Although you are only doing an informal city hall wedding I think you should provide whatever you can.. even if its just chips and dip at your house.

Post # 52
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

I think it’s rude to not pay for their meal for your wedding maybe just stick to your first plan of 2 witnesses 

Post # 53
Member
13243 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
KittyNoire :  

“Yeah, i probably used the word “guest” wrong. We are thinking about it more like them just tagging along to an elopement.”

A distinction without a bit of difference. 

Keep in mind, people do a lot of things that they act happy about, but aren’t.  There is no extenuating circumstance or “situation” here that would justify asking people to pay.

 

Post # 56
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Rydges Hotel

Instead of a meal, how about some tea and wedding cake? or maybe bread and dips? If it’s casual, would you be able to host at your house to keep the cost low? 

 

Post # 57
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t like it, but I do think you could possibly swing it. Don’t send out a formal invite, that sends the wrong idea. Invite them to witness your marriage, and partake in cake afterward. THEN, after you are married, tell your friends you are going to grab a burger if anyone wants to come and hang out. I feel like telling them in advance is inviting them, and inviting them suggests you’re hosting. 

Also, it’s none of my business, but you guys really need to take some time to sort out your finances. Not being able to pay for pizza for 11 is concerning, I’m assuming you’re not looking at buying a house or having kids? What kind of musicians are you? Yes, I’m being straight nosey, I’m just interested. 

Post # 58
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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KittyNoire :  this is your 11 closest people – just tell them your situation and they will understand. 

Post # 60
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

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KittyNoire :  well then ya know what – go for it. Keep it really super low key, make sure it’s really clear that it’s just a meal and not part of the wedding, and if you can save enough in time maybe buy a round of drinks as thanks. I don’t want this to sound rude but I would hazard a guess that a bunch of alternative rock musicians aren’t going to get too upset over etiquette anyway. I really admire that you guys are following your passion and not letting money determine your life’s course. Good luck to both of you 🙂 

Post # 61
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

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KittyNoire :  Generally, this would be a loud and clear hell no from me. But, with what you’ve shared about your plans and your lifestyle, your friends may be okay with it. Just be clear to explain what it is.

I knew a couple who did something similar. They had a small private wedding with just 6 guests and then invited an additional 15 people or so out for celebratory drinks at a bar. It was clear in their super low key emailed invite that this wasn’t a host paid bar. There was a little kerfluffle from a few folks, but most people understood their circumstances and went with it.

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