Asking my adult children to walk me down the isle

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I feel like everyone was way too fast to jump all over the OP and condemn her for apparently not supporting her transgender child (I didn’t see evidence of this).  It’s so easy for everyone to stand back and state that they would perfectly handle what must be a difficult, confusing and stressful process for the whole family.  Then when OP tried to explain more and clarify the timing re the asking/dress/coming out etc, people try to accuse her of backpeddling or trying to be parent of the year??  I wish people would be kinder and slow down in the rush to be 100% PC and totally ‘accepting’ and consider the complexities of the feelings of the people involved. 

Post # 32
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

ozbee :  100% agree.  I didn’t get any of what pp were saying about OP posts. From the beg I knew what she was trying to say. I hate when people jump to conclusions then run with it as if it’s fact. Like sthu and just answer the woman’s question. OP it sounds like a good idea. 

Post # 33
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I think you should just ask your sons to walk you down the aisle. I don’t see why that would be a problem for anybody, and they may feel honored to do it.

Post # 34
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

ozbee :  midgy86 :  “my son will be 18 and my daughter (Sam) will be 20 (who is also transgender and refuses to wear a dress)”

Does this really sound like a supportive parent who’s trying her best to you? And it certainly doesn’t sound like asking him to wear a dress was limited to the timeframe before he came out as transgender. 

OP repeatedly uses Sam’s birth name and misgenders him. 

And ‘the rush to be 100% PC’ – seriously? When we’re talking about her child ffs. Yes, it can be a struggle for some people to understand what being transgender means and to make a conscious effort not to use old pronouns etc, but what about the far greater struggle of her son in coming out as transgender and everything he is going through? No big ‘rush’ to get to a point of acceptance? What about the fact that being misgendered can be painful and humiliating for a transgender person? What about the fact that they have a much higher than normal suicide rate, most particularly when family acceptance isn’t given? What about the ever present threat of being targeted by bigots and bullies? 

And let’s not gloss over the fact that whether or not one of her adult children is transgender- how is this even related to whether they should walk her down the aisle or not? What does being transgender have to do with this at all? 

Post # 35
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

OP, my advice: 

re your wedding: 

If you want your sons to walk you down the aisle, have them walk you down the aisle. This is absolutely fine. Walking yourself down the aisle and having your sons stand with you as your wedding party is also fine. 

re your son being transgender: 

educate yourself, the more you learn the better equipped you’ll be both for your son’s sake and your own sake. Very basically, although Sam may have been born with outward female genitalia, he has the brain and heart of a male. education truly is a path to understanding.

seek your own support, there are organizations out there for parents of LGBTQ parents, you’ll find a lot of information and a lot of support and encouragement there. Sam should have his own support system as well to help navigate through this, including changing legal documents, HRT if he chooses etc. 

while no, you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you accidentally call your son by his birth name when using another name is still new to you, but do please sincerely try your best not to use it. And  never use it intentionally, it’s hurting him more than you know.

let Sam know you’re there for him, that you love him unconditionally and accept him for who he is

If people have questions for you about Sam’s transitioning- this is a work in progress and you’ll learn to sort the nosy bigots from those genuinely seeking to understand. And respect Sam’s privacy, it’s not okay for anyone to be asking about his genitals, if he’s had or plans to have surgery, this is a highly personal question and no more appropriate than a conversation about anyone else’s genitals would be. 

Post # 36
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

She is absolutely judgmental regarding her son. Otherwise there would have been no mention that he is transgender. It was not germaine to the question at all. It’s also evident in how she treats her sons differently. And her judgment is peppered throughout her original post. The majority of the responders saw it.

Not confronting prejudice when you see is a large part of what is wrong in this world. 

Post # 37
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

crustyoldbee :  I don’t live in their household so I don’t care to try and analyze what her statement meant to her.  She explained her thinking and that is gd enough for me. She is askin if having her adult children walk her down the aisle is ok, nothing more.

Post # 38
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It sounds like Sam has only recently transitioned, and is afraid that standing up in front of your wedding will be a moment of “coming out” to everyone there, and he is not ready for that.

I wonder if it would be possible to choose gender neutral attire for both men and women in your bridal party, so that Sam can participate without coming out to everyone?  This may not be possible, but could be something to consider.  It sounds like having both your kids participate in your wedding is very important to you.

Post # 39
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

zl27 :  I feel that mentioning the transgender issue was absolutely germaine to the issue. If she simply had two sons that were born as son’s there would be no question or difficulty or confusion about where they would stand or wear or who would walk her down the aisle. I believe that it sounds like she is struggling with the fact that her child that was born a daughter (now transitioning to a son ) and that Sam is probably not fully through the process, probably not fully accepting it himself.  The further possibility of family and friends not knowing about it complicates the issue. It sounded to me more like confusion than judgement.

For crustyoldbee, I think you misinterpreted my comments. I meant in people HERE’s rush to be 100% PC and accepting, they may have missed the nuances of the situation.  While a parent’s love should be unconditional, not every parent is 100% able or prepared to deal with something like this perfectly at first and it’s easy to sit back from outside and cast judgment.

Post # 40
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Amy8152020 :  Oh OP, I knew as soon as I read your post that the majority of responses would be attacking you for your choice of words.  I do wonder how many of them have actually dealt with a friend or family member transitioning. 

I have, and it’s not as easy as people make out, to wipe your memories of the person you knew, and it takes time to get to know who they really are. 

I’m going to assume from your update, that you are supportive of Sam and this is a recent situation which you are both still navigating. 

Is Sam out publicly?  Is Sam out to your family? 

Obviously since Sam has come out, being a bridesmaid is no longer suitable.  Being a brides man could be, but it sounds he’s not comfortable with that. 

Walking you down the aisle is absolutely an option, if he is comfortable doing so.  He could also do a reading or a blessing during the ceremony.

As far as clothing choices, I believe that is best left up to him on what he is most comfortable wearing.  

I think your best bet is to talk to him and ask how he would like to be involved.  If he is not comfortable with any role, you also need to honour that.  Maybe he could do something more behind the scenes, such as record the ceremony or assist with the setup? 

Of course please avoid deadnaming him at any time, but especially during your ceremony.  You don’t want that to be how either of you remember your wedding day. 

It does get much easier, their new identity becomes your new normal at a point. 

 

Post # 41
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee

Actually, there’s more than a few of us on the bee who have family members, close friends, and partners/spouses who have transitioned.  

Which is why so many of us feel so passionately about things like “Don’t out someone”, and “Don’t use someone’s deadname” or “Don’t use the wrong pronoun.”

Post # 42
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

ozbee :  but (following what a lot of us perceive as judgmental language) her questions were (a) has anybody had their children walk them down the aisle and (b) how did you ask them? 

If she wanted help on how to make her son feel comfortable, her question would have been: my son recently transitioned and not everybody in our family/social circle knows or is accepting. I would really like both my sons to have a special role and walk me down the aisle. But I am concerned my son may not feel comfortable doing so. How do I make it easier for him?

Knowing her son is transgender is not germaine to (a) and (b). It is germaine to my example (riffing off your interpolation).

Hence, a bunch of us concluding she is being judgmental and misgendering him on purpose. Which I still stand by. Backpedaling is SOP here.

Post # 43
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I’m not sure which part you are worried people will judge you for. I think it’s very normal for adult children to escort their parents in a wedding, regardless of gender. My sister and I walked my father down the aisle for his second marriage, and his wife’s sons escorted her.

Also, let Sam wear what he wants. If you want your kids to be part of the bridal party and you’re doing matching outfits, you could just have a dress and a suit and let each person pick which one they want to wear. But I’d recommend asking Sam what he will be most comfortable wearing – it’s possible that he doesn’t want to wear a dress but would also be uncomfortable in a suit. It can be really difficult for some transgender men to find a suit that fits well.

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