Asking people to pay on the wedding invite??

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think it’s absolutely ridiculous and tacky of you that you booked the castle and can’t afford it..and since you can’t afford it you want your guests to pay for their accommodations when you want them to stay there. Shouldn’t have booked it if its pushing you to your limit, simple.as.that. That’s like saying you want your bridesmaids hair done a certain way, and you book the hairstylist but then realize it’s too expensive so now you’re going to ask them to pay. NO.. 

Post # 47
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You keep saying your putting no gifts on the invitations. But your putting an “however” after it. If you don’t want gifts simply say “We are asking for no gifts”…….that would be a period after it. Not a however or a but or instead. You want guests to stay at the castle than you fit the bill. You don’t ask for a donation. 

Post # 48
Member
828 posts
Busy bee

Well you can’t make staying at the venue mandatory no matter if you foot the bill entirely or not. I definitely would stay in the castle personally if the price was right (or free) but you can’t force people.  

I think you should just put an insert in the invite, or call/email everyone since the guest list is so small, that there are rooms available at the venue for X price and to let you know by X date if they would like to stay there. And I would probably charge more like $100-$150. $250 is a bit much. But by booking this venue you run the risk that no one stays there and you are on the hook for the full amount so you need to be able to afford it because again you can make people stay there.

Post # 49
Member
4514 posts
Honey bee

As a guest, I would consider the accommodations at this castle out of pure convenience, so I think people will be interested.  However, you are putting yourself in a position where people might choose to stay elsewhere and the additional costs will fall on you.

What I would do is make it an offer they can’t refuse.  I’d put on the wedding website or talk to the guest directly and say that they can stay there for $100/night or whatever is a really good deal and then you can cover the rest of the nightly rate.  

I was invited to a wedding where they rented houses and offered up rooms for extremely cheap.  It wasn’t mandatory, but they were charging around $100 for the weekend.  I was young and broke and it worked out really well.  And it ended up being fun!

Post # 50
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

The poster above me took the words out of my mouth – why don’t you subsidize to the point where the option of staying in the castle is cheaper than the other options around? I agree with the other posters on this thread – you shouldn’t make it mandatory that anyone stay at your venue unless you are footing the bill. However, if you subsidize it so that it is a more affordable price, people will opt into staying there.

Post # 51
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This is going to seem like a super random or off-topic reply, but legitimately this thread has me curious about what “cheeky” means? So many people are using that word in reference to OP’s situation (which I know is a term used in the UK) but in all the media I’ve seen, I’ve always seen “cheeky” used in an almost endearing way. Like when a kid causes a bit of mischief and everyone smiles and shakes their head and is like “you cheeky little thing!” So I always thought it meant something like “cutely mischievous”, but this thread is making me think otherwise, since it’s definitely not the way I would describe the situation haha

Okay more on topic now… OP, I would agree with the people who suggested not saying “no” to gifts, but rather footing the cost yourself and then using money you get as a way to make up some of the cost. That way you aren’t being rude to your guests but also helping relieve some of your financial burden in a more socially acceptable sort of way 🙂

Good luck figuring things out, and it sounds like it’s gonna be a really lovely wedding no matter what!

Post # 52
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
longworth650 :  If you’d be disappointed if people stayed elsewhere and if you’re really wanting them to stay at the castle then unfortunately you’re gonna have to eat the cost on this one. 

Post # 53
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
citizenerased14 :  Lol I’ve never heard “cheeky” used this way either (I’m from the US). Also, I agree that she shouldn’t say “no gifts” if she’s paying for the castle. It could help recooperate some of that cost. 

Post # 54
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Others have made it quite clear what you should do bee…

I just wished to add that if I was a guest and my accommodation in a castle was paid for by the bride and groom then I would very impressed and leave with amazing memories and gratitude for their generosity. ( I’d reciprocate in kind).

I would think what a classy couple to consider their guests comfort and enjoyment such an important aspect of their special day. 

Post # 55
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You picked a castle; you pay for it.

Tell your guests that you’re inviting them to spend the night in the castle (“inviting” means you will pay for it).

Do not give them instructions or make pleas or even hints about gifts, “donations,” or anything else they might do with their money.

Post # 56
Member
10390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

‘Cheeky’, used in this way means a bit presumptuous, a bit forward. It also means cutely mischievous when used to ,say, a small child’s behaviour. . It’s a matter of context really, like ‘mean’ meaning stingy, or unkind, depending on context. 

I think OP has gone away, feeling a bit attacked and defensive. Of course what she was wanting was not ok, but l think we might have been a bit harsh. 

OP, if you keep the no gifts thing, l think “we are not accepting gifts” sounds rude and presumptuous and l don’t think you mean to be that. Something more like “no presents please, your presence is enough” is hackneyed, but feels better l think. 

  , 

View original reply
brideandblue :  

Post # 57
Member
13552 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If the venue normally rents out separate rooms and they will take charge of billing guests, I can see how one might be tempted to make the argument that it’s an option you can offer. However, this essentially subsidizes a portion of your required venue rental, transferring the expense for your wedding to your guests. That makes it unacceptable. 

Even if this was not true, your vision is not more important than your guests preferences and comfort. You can’t properly expect or require it. If this is a shared common space situation, personally I would not stay there. 

It would be rude and wrong to put anything about donations or even “no gifts” on or in an invitation. You are not supposed to be thinking of gifts let alone asking for anything. Invitations are exclusively meant to offer hospitality. 

Post # 58
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
longworth650 :  As a guest, I would pay for the room and keep it movin’, but I would also think it was tacky 

Post # 59
Member
2215 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Bees not knowing what cheeky means 🤣🤣

Post # 60
Member
2215 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Seriously this is no different than all of you who have destination weddings and expect guests to stay in a particular resort. Or the ones who have a bridal shower where the sole purpose is to receive gifts. 

Where I’m from, we consider that tacky!!!!!! Pot calling the kettle black… 

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