Asking people to pay on the wedding invite??

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
missviolet92 :  I’ve never attended a wedding where I was expected to stay in a specific resort. I was given “recommendations” for resorts close by, but never felt forced to choose them. I’ve also been to two destination weddings and never felt forced to stay in a specific resort smile

Post # 62
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

We don’t use this word in America. Other than to maybe say “Is my new bathing suit covering my ass? Or is it too cheeky?” 

View original reply
missviolet92 :  

Post # 63
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
eeniebeans :  TRUE, haha! That’s what I think of with the word “cheeky.” 

Post # 64
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
eeniebeans :  Lmao, same! Cheeky is a style of underwear when it comes to my mind. πŸ˜‚

Post # 65
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I know you’re gone OP but reading through the rest of this thread I also wanted to mention that there’s no way I would be giving you more than a $100 wedding gift/cash. You stated the room would be like 250 I think? Even if you didn’t ask for gifts you surely probably wouldn’t be receiving that much from each guest. Maybe a grandparent or parent would give large sums of money or purchase the most expensive gift but as a friend you got me messed up if that’s how much you think you’re getting in lieu of a gift.

Post # 66
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
missviolet92 :  I didn’t have a destination wedding and a certainly did not have a bridal shower… sooo- do I have the clearance to think this is tacky?? 

 

You would have no way no way of knowing if this is a pot calling the kettle black situation as you have no idea what all of the posters weddings were like

Post # 67
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
alexaj12 :  it happens all the time on these boards. OP is giving the castle as an option and isnt forcing someone to stay.

Post # 68
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
sollyb :  it’s pretty common in the USA to have a bridal shower  and a lot of posters calling this tacky probably did

Post # 69
Member
4670 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
missviolet92 :  most weddings that I’ve been to offer up suggested accommodations and sometimes those suggestions come with a discount or some added conveniences (like shuttles to and from the reception), but most people don’t require it.  Even DWs offer up suggestions to cover different budgets, but you can always go rogue and book any where you want.  Most people appreciate suggestions if they aren’t familiar with the area.

I recently got invited to a Destination Wedding and if you didn’t stay at the resort they chose, then you had to pay $150/person to attend the wedding.  And the rooms were $550/night.  I politely declined the invite because that wasn’t in my budget and I was not going to pay $300 to attend the wedding.  

Post # 70
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

Every wedding I’ve ever attended I was required to pay for my own room… including when I was in the bridal party. Honestly, I don’t think this is that out of line. The wording/phrasing just needs adjusted. Personally, when I sent the invites I would have the area to check attending/not attending and then below I would have an option to check reserve room at venue/ or will not be staying. Underneath the reserve room I would have the price and instructions to reserve and pay the venue directly (then they can take it off of your total). Since you’ve already paid you can lower the price if you think it’s too expensive. I would still include an insert with all of the nearby hotel options including your venue.  When you get the invitations back you will know how many people plan to stay and you can choose how to use the remaining rooms from there (if you want the people that checked no to stay you can let them know you are going to cover the cost so they can stay with you). I would not mention gifts on the invite. This sounds like a very personal event…I cannot imagine the people you’ve invited to share this special day with will be so judgemental of you. I also don’t think you are asking for people to fund your wedding by doing this…I think that logic is a bit unfair. I see where you are coming from because I personally would never expect to stay somewhere for free and if it was given to me I would definitely be giving a gift to cover what I thought the cost was…but maybe that’s just me. I hope this thread doesn’t have you feeling upset. Constructive criticism can be helpful…some people tend to forget being nice is important too. Best wishes.

Post # 71
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
mamaofthree :  everything you just said πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

Post # 72
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think people may be overreacting a bit because of how it’s currently written (if I’m understanding things correctly). I’m assuming that OP basically had to front the cost for the full block of rooms… to be refunded if her guests book them? If that’s the case,  I would put something like this on the reservation: “A limited number of rooms are available at the venue at the rate of XX/ night. Additional accommodations are available at X place (or via Airbnb or whatever).”

It’s a little trickier if you’re expecting guests to pay you directly, OP, but I still think you could get away with it with similar wording, but telling people to contact you for additional information & then make it clear that it’s one of several options. I’m sure you’ll have some interested people just due to the convenience of it all.

While it would be amazing if the bride and groom covered it I would not expect to have my room paid for. I also would not be OK being told I HAVE to book a certain room, especially if there are less expensive options nearby.

Post # 73
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021

View original reply
brideandblue :  Cheeky has different meanings tbh, in this situation it means presumptuous and a bit rude. In regards to kids it means a bit rude or mischievous, sometimes in a humorous way. It can also mean unplanned, on the spur the of the moment, a bit naughty etc. I.e. a cheeky pint after work or a cheeky Nando’s.  

Post # 74
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

I get the impression you are in the UK? UK etiquette is VERY different to US etiquette, therefore what you’re suggesting is not as awful/unheard of as most of the people on this thread are saying it is.

That being said, even though it is actually quite normal for the invitation to state you are not expecting gifts in the UK, I still think (as a UK person) that is is tacky and awful. Every single invitation I have received for weddings so far has included a comment or even worse, A POEM about how gifts are not necessary, and I hate it. It’s gross, please, just don’t mention gifts. It’s not necessary. Plus, most people like to give a gift, so even if you write that, people will likely still gift and I’m sure deep down you’ll be pleased, so it just makes the initial point about no gifts defunct. HOWEVER, unlike what a lot of people think on this thread, it’s not going to shock or appall anyone to see it on your invitation should you choose to include it, because most people seem to over here these days.

In terms of the accommodation, it sounds like staying there is compulsory, therefore in my opinion you should pay. That being said, again, in the UK it is becoming normal for people to dictate where you need to stay and then expect guests to foot the bill. I find this unreasonable and rude, so even if it’s normal, I don’t personally think you should do it. If it’s optional then it’s completely reasonable to expect guests to pay, but it sounds like you don’t want it to be optional.

So yeah, there’s a lot of exaggerated responses in this thread because people in the US on these boards struggle with the norms in the UK. So ultimately, nothing you are saying you want to do is going to leave any of your guests aghast, but in my opinion that doesn’t make them particularly nice or generous things to do when you are a host.

Post # 75
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

UK bee – reporting that I have booked a hotel wedding – it is not as fancy as a Castle but still most guests will have to stay overnight as it’s too far to go home. But I did just offer up options of where to stay on the invites. I have under 30 in the day and most of them are all staying at the venue – some the night before too. I didn’t ask them to – they just are. 

I think you are overthinking this – give hotel options and most will stay at the castle. It is easier and nicer for them too πŸ™‚ And if a few don’t – does it really matter? These are your nearest and dearest – I’ll bet they will all book the castle…. 

Also – ignore all the mad people πŸ™‚ xx

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors