Post # 1
Hi Weddingbee folks,
This may be odd, but I don’t really have any super close friends, and i’m also really afraid of offending the friends I do have. Instead of a few close friends, I have a LOT of casual friends and a ton of people I feel look up to me in some way. Basically, I spread my friendship too thinly. That being said, there are a few of these friends that when we are together, everything seems perfect and no matter what we get along and have a good time… but we only see each other 4 or 5 times a year…….
One of them has been the girl I would consider my “bff” since elementary school, but we’re apart so often and hardly talk, so I’m not sure if the feeling is mutual. She started college when we were 16, and ended up moving several hundred miles away. The distance really put a damper on our friendship, especially once I started college and our school schedules never put us at home at the same time. I’d like to ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’m not sure if it’d be appropriate or not since she might not see our friendship the same way I do. What do you think? Is there a good way to go about asking because of the emotional and physical distance?
On a different note, if she does accept, I plan to go on a weekend trip or two with her before the wedding just to catch up… looking forward to that if it becomes a reality!
I don’t want any other bridesmaids because the anxiety over Maid/Matron of Honor has been enough stress already. However,I’d still like to have a “posse” to celebrate with in the week(s) prior to the wedding, and will probably invite 5 other women to the bachelorette party. This would include my fiance’s sister, another friend from home who is close to the potential Maid/Matron of Honor, and three friends from school. Would it be offensive to ask them to attend a bachelorette party (and other activities which I’ve typically thought of as a Bridesmaid or Best Man type thing) without asking them to be in the wedding party proper?
Thanks a bunch for helping destress me!
Post # 3
Why not just have bridesmaids and forget the whole Maid/Matron of Honor title if you can’t think of anyone in particular who you would like to have fill that role? I’m having three BMs and no MOH!
Post # 4
@abarber3:Maid/Matron of Honor is a huge honor, expensive and a lot of work. I personally would not accept the invitation from a childhood friend that I am not close to currently. IDK. I would ask his sister before I ask a random person. Do you have close cousins? Is your mom helping at all? I may consider scratching the Maid/Matron of Honor period if its not someone close.
Post # 5
I think I would ask his sister. She’s about to be your family after all:) Or go without an Maid/Matron of Honor altogether.
Post # 6
@Soladylike: I’d never thought about asking his sister… right now she’s still in high school and can be a bit of a brat. I’m only thinking about a way to include her because my future mother-on-law seems to expect her to be included… she’s hinted at Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I really just don’t see that working well.
Post # 7
Being an Maid/Matron of Honor is a HUGE responsibility… Financially, emotionally, and otherwise. If she can’t/doesn’t come through, it’s really going to stress you out.
I saw either a) go with out one or b) start mentioning it to her (with out asking) to let her know you will be asking. That way, she won’t be caught off guard and say yes when she’s really not interested in the responsibility… And she can think of a nice way to say “no”
Post # 8
Think of it this way, too: Are you going to want someone who isn’t that close to you standing up beside you in all of your pics? My sister got married ten years ago and picked a Maid/Matron of Honor who she wasn’t close with; whenever people ask her who that is, she just says, “Oh, someone I was friends with at the time.” You are going to want someone who actually means something to you, not someone who won’t positively be a part of your future…
Post # 9
@sonj818: Being a rather young bride, I suppose I’m out of the loop on why being a Maid/Matron of Honor is such a huge financial outlay. The wedding is going to be pretty inexpensive, so I wouldn’t expect showers, bachelorette parties, etc. to be outrageous (a brunch at a family member’s house and a slumber party would be way acceptable). Travel and lodging is the same whether she’s in the wedding or not (luckily nearly free!). Also, if I go with a Maid/Matron of Honor and no other attendants, the bm dress becomes a much smaller issue and we can go shopping together and find a great deal (since we wouldn’t have to find a bajillion that coordinate well). Am I missing something obvious?
I already took your advice, molded it to my style and simply sent a short message to a few friends expressing my frustration with details nobody ever mentions about planning weddings (read: parents stressing the importance of frugality when I don’t intend to bankrupt them). I’ll see how they react to being included in such a correspondance and go from there, I suppose.
p.s. I would classify this friend as someone that, when together, we pick up where we left off, rather than treating time together as a chance to catch up on old news… definitely not the same as other friends of mine.
Post # 10
@abarber3: Honestly having been Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor in weddings I don’t understand the financial outlay either but then I’ve noticed in reading some of these threads some of the women have huge expectations based on old ideas around weddings…I never would think the Maid/Matron of Honor should cover all the expense of showers/bach party etc…that’s split among the BMs and possibly even the guests depending on the situation. Most showers have been thrown by family, I’ve actually never paid part of a shower except the gift…
As far as not having someone close to ask though, why not just go with all BMs and no Maid/Matron of Honor…at least if you are going to have more than one…
Post # 11
If you’re not getting married until July 2012, you may just want to hold off on deciding who to pick as your Maid/Matron of Honor for a little while. (ESPECIALLY if she’s going to be the only Bridesmaid or Best Man.)
Anyway, as you requested, here is how it gets expensive:
- Being Maid/Matron of Honor neccesitates that she attend your wedding and incur the costs of travel and lodging that weekend. If you only see her a few times a year, who knows if she would have been able to make it or not. (I know we all think that ALL of our guests will make a HUGE effort to be there, but when you start having 7-10 weddings a year, many of them out of town, your guests might have to start cutting some.) A tank of gas and two nights hotel: $100 (very conservative.)
- Shower: If she chooses to throw one for you, even the simplest of brunch shower will cost $100 or more when you include invitations, postage, decorations, and food cost. Add in a gift and gas because she may or may not have come had she not been Maid/Matron of Honor, $150 total.
- Bachelorette party: Again, even if it’s a slumber party and she asks everyone to bring a snack and a fave movie, where will she have it? Back in your hometown at a family member’s house, too? She’ll want to get you the funny bachelorette outfit, decorations, etc. Plus another tank of gas. $75.
- Dress shopping! Again, you said you don’t see each other that often. Will you wait to go shopping until you both happen to be home, or will she need to make a special trip? Even with an inexpensive dress, plus a tank of gas, $75.
- If there is any day-of hair or nails, that’s another $50, minimum.
Add all of that together, which doesn’t cover the cost of incidental expenses along the way (snacks while driving, meals, etc) and she’s already spent $450 on your wedding with out even having bought a wedding gift. It really adds up when you go back and evaluate the costs. And that’s a lot of money for someone who is in college. (I know that’s more than my senior year spring break cost!)
PLUS, your BM’s are supposed to be your “support” through the wedding planning process. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is the one who ends up helping you with DIY projects, invitations, calling guets to track RSVPs, etc. It’s a really big responsibility. PLUS, as other bee’s have said, she will be the only one standing next to you in your pictures. Is she a close enough friend that she’ll STILL be standing next to you in 10 years as you progress in life?
Oh, and to answer your question about inviting the 5 girls to the bach party and other festivities with out having them as BMs: It’s perfectly fine to invite whoever you want to the bachelorette party (and any other festivities!) And no one should ever be offended that they’re not in a wedding. HOWEVER, many often do…