Asking the parents for their blessing to marry, yay or nay?

posted 8 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

bakerbee09 :  My husband met up with my mom before he proposed and showed her the ring and “asked for her blessing” (my dad is dead, otherwise I’m sure he would hve met up with him too), and I thought it was a sweet gesture and my mom appreciated it too. Especially because he drove almost two hours to my home town to do it.

It’s not like he was literally asking for permission, it was more of a casual hey check out this ring, Im going to propose next month, FYI type convo. My mom loves him, he knew it, and I think he just wanted to include her in our plans. 

Post # 3
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

It is super antiquated and reinforces sexist ideas (ie a woman can’t take care of herself, women aren’t independent people, a woman’s relationship to a man defines her). If my husband asked my parents I would have been SUPER PISSED. It’s just a watered-down version of asking for permission. Which goes back to the days of an exchange of ownership between father and husband. There is no positive way to spin it. It’s super disrespectful to women. 

If it was respectful, then women would ask the groom’s family, too. But we don’t. And if you offer to or bring it up, everyone thinks it’s super weird. “He’s an adult, why would you ask his parents for permission?” is literally the response I get to turning the tables. It so does not go both ways which just shows how out of date it is at best. 

Besides, what happens if they say no? Most people would get married anyway. So it shows that it’s not even a genuine question and you aren’t actually respecting the wishes of the parents. It’s just for show, which doesn’t even seem respectful to the parents because it is disingenuous. 

A lot of traditions that are super sexist are coded as romantic in our society. It helps us swallow the pill of it all. But when you probe them, they are problematic. Just because we are told it’s romantic doesn’t mean we should go along with it.

Post # 4
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee

In general, most wedding traditions are pretty antiquated…

With that said, my fiance didn’t talk to my dad before he proposed.  We are older and have both been married before.  It was more important to me that he spoke with his older sons (23 and 24) before he proposed.  

Post # 5
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

It’s actually super important to me that my SO does NOT ask my parents for their blessing or permission.

I find the custom to be antiquated and incredibly disrespectful to me, personally. My parents would also find it to be strange. Obviously times have changed and it’s no longer an exchange-of-goods (barf) type conversation between a young man and the father of a woman he likes, but this is one custom of which I cannot get over the deep roots. Even as a blessing, it feels really icky to me. SO is very well aware of this and is in total agreement.

On top of this, I’m not down with the idea that I’d be the third+ person to find out about my own engagement. Another important point of mine when it comes to engagements.

Post # 6
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Lol, that didn’t take long… guess I’m a piece of meat, a poor, sad woman who can’t take care of herself because my husband had the balls to discuss our engagement with my mother prior to asking me to take his hand in marrige.

GTFO

Post # 7
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

futuremrs2020 :  Literally no one said that. There’s no reason to insinuate that men who don’t adhere to this antiquated tradition are less of men or lacking balls or whatever else. 

Post # 8
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

cherry3b :  That’s not what I was insinuating. I’m saying that the over reaction from some of the bees (theres another thread like this) is laughable. 

Post # 9
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I also believe that it is antiquated and really not necessary. However, I think it’s nice when the person proposing tells the parents to give them a heads up and to include them. 

My now husband reached out to my parents to try to find a time to take them to dinner. They were going to go out on a night I had to babysit. They had it all planned and then the mom called and she didn’t need me to babysit. So they had to improvise. It’s one of the reasons it took longer than expected to get engaged. Anyways, he ended up talking to my parents when we were all out at dinner together when I wasn’t at the table lol. 

He wasn’t asking my parents. He was telling them. There’s a difference. 

Post # 10
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Nah. I think its antiquated and weird seeing as how I’ve lived on my own for a decade and don’t need anyone’s blessing to do as I choose. It’s just too…uncomfortable? I can’t think of a word but you get it.

Post # 11
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I think that if people assume their husbands are ‘sexist’ because they ask a question to your parents… then I think the problem lies with how you view men & your own husband…

 

I’m not an object, but my SO will not be asking to buy me, or own me, he will be asking for the blessing of my father to have my hand in marriage and is a sign of respect in this day and age.

 

imo, sweet, innocent & if everyone shut down every single ‘traditional idea’ that used to be sexist & discriminate against women then there wouldn’t be much left to do in the world…

Post # 12
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Yep. He did call my father and have “the talk.”

and then we probably would have done what we wanted, anyway (but my dad was very happy to give his blessing.)

Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

I don’t love the idea of asking permission per se, but I really wanted my mom to love the person I married for no reason besides I trust her judgement. The same is true for my other VIPs- sister and best friend. Not that my engagement was hanging on their approval, but I would have done some serious thinking if they voiced a concern.

Post # 14
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

FH definitely did not ask for my hand in marriage, but he did talk to my parents beforehand and told them he was going to ask me to marry him and told them that he would be a loving and supportive partner towards me. I don’t find that antiquated at all.

Post # 15
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The issue is that for all the husbands who asked how many women asked his parents in return? It’s a one-way street that has really gross, not-so-ancient roots. If it was truly an equitable tradition, it would be different, but it’s not. 

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