Asking the parents for their blessing to marry, yay or nay?

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m grown. It’s none of my parents’ business who I marry.

Post # 62
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I informed my husband that I wanted him to talk to my dad before proposing. He said the best he would do is inform him, and that was okay for me. Is it antiquated? Yep. But my dad is also one of my dearest friends and it was important to me that my husband honor that role. He didn’t ask permission. He showed him the ring and told him the plan. Same with my mom (It was important to her, so hubby talked to her). I think what really matters is that the two people planning engagement are comfortable with the way this goes down. It would have been just as gross for my husband to say “nope! I won’t do that because there is a long history of ownership there.” Stripping my voice either way is a bigger deal, IMO. 

Post # 63
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I asked my FI’s mom for her “blessing” before I asked him. 

Post # 64
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

my fiancé asked me dad. I told him that when the day comes that he wants to marry me it’s important he asks permission first. I told him I knew they’d say yes but it’s just a respect thing. I’m pretty sure he would’ve asked regardless if I told him to or not though!

Post # 65
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

misslucy :  so was your SO not allowed to tell anyone or show anyone the ring before you got engaged because nobody could know before you? He couldn’t tell his friends or family or anyone? That’s so bizarre to me. Why not let your SO share his excitement with those close to him and/or you?

Post # 66
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I am curious how many women who find this tradition disgusting because of its origin in representing transfer of ownership still accepted and wear an engagement ring? Are patriarchal traditions only disgusting if they don’t come with jewelry? 

In my own experience, my dad is my best friend. His guidance has made me the person I am today and his opinion matters to me. It was important to have his blessing and I believe my fiancé including him in that way gave him the respect he deserves for playing such a pivotal role in my life. 

I can definitely understand why some people don’t feel the same way and why it’s an unimportant tradition to a lot of people. I just think a lot of the reactions are a bit crazy considering how many wedding traditions have the same “antiquated” origins. 

Post # 67
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

My Fiance wasn’t going to talk to my parents, but when we missed our flight we had to stay the night at my parent’s house since our was too far away.  The next morning I slept in, and he and my Dad were both up and talking in the living room.  I don’t think he asked, just told him that he was going to propose.  We had already set the date and secured a venue, so it wasn’t a suprise but I know my dad really appreciated it.  

It wasn’t something that was important to me, but it was to my dad so I’m glad he took the time to talk to him and let him know our plans. It made my dad feel special.

Post # 68
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

Nope. My mother is deceased and I no longer have a relationship with my father, so it was never really a question for us. He didn’t give his parents any heads up that he was going to be proposing either – “loose lips sink ships” he said. He did end up telling my sisters the night beforehand though because they were away at school so wouldn’t be there in person to celebrate after the engagement.

Post # 69
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Definitely not. I’m incredibly close to my parents, but nope. My dad actually told us growing up that any boyfriend had better not ask for permission or a blessing, because he’d say no. 

 

The issue for me, and me alone, is that my relationship consists of two people. I didn’t like the thought of ANYONE knowing about an impending engagement before I did. It’s something he and I talked about…I didn’t want him telling his parents or brother before the proposal. The excitement of being able to tell everyone together was SO awesome. 

 

That being said, we’re not traditional (live together, pets together, it was always a matter of when, not if), so I’ll be honest and say that I have a hard time putting myself in the shoes of those who value tradition. For me though, the thought was icky. 

Post # 70
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

My husband let my parents know that he was going to propose and he wanted their blessing not really permission

Post # 71
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Darling Husband asked and I’m glad he did. But it was asking for a blessing and more telling them his plan than it was asking for permission.

Post # 72
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

lola5 :  Well, we’re a lesbian couple so.. her, not him.  

And getting engaged was a joint/mutual decision.

We’d spoken a few times during the earlier days of our relationship about the idea of getting married to ensure we were on the same page and felt like we were progressing towards it, discussing timelines, etc.   And one day we revisited the topic after we had been living together for about 18 months (we both agreed we wanted to live together for at least a year before getting engaged).  

We were actually out of town at the time and in a hotel bar having cocktails and a snack when the topic came up organically.  And we decided over cocktails that we felt ready to set a date.  When we got home, we discussed a budget for engagements rings and reached out to 2 different jewelers to comission rings (we have very different style in jewelry and so we each have a jeweler we prefer to work with for custom stuff).  Designed custom rings, and once they both arrived we started wearing them and made an engagement announcement.  We designed our own rings, too – it was important to both of us that we were happy with them.  

Then started looking at venues/chose a date.

So no, no one else knew before the 2 of us and we wouldn’t have had it any other way. Neither of us particualrly likes surprises so a surprise proposal definitely wouldn’t have worked for either of us. We’re both pretty independent and fiercely feminist. We both would have found it bizarre to for anyone else to have been involved or have known before the other.  

It’s what works for us. I realize it wouldn’t work for everyone, just a surprise proposal after seeking dad’s permission/blessing wouldn’t work for some.

Post # 74
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

Sexist and disturbing. My husband absolutly knew that I would have refused to marry him if he pulled this crap (and my parents would have been very weirded out.) I’m nobody’s property and my major life choices require neither their permission nor their blessing. 

Of course, I proposed to my husband, so its moot in the archaic sense. It never even occured to me to ask his parents’ permission or blessing because it’s not their business. They don’t own him, and he’s an adult. 

I like and respect his parents very much. And one of the things I like and respect about them (and my parents) is that they would not have considered themselvse to have any role to play in the process of us making decisions about OUR relationship.  

Post # 75
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

brettashley :  Well, I find it disturbing, and I also don’t wear an engagement ring. But I will note the origins of engagement rings (which I dislike) are not patriarchal per se—they are capitalist. Debeers had a monopoly on diamonds and wanted to convince people to buy more without realizing they have no resale value. Hence “a diamond is forever” — if you ever try to get rid of it you will find out it has little value…….” It is a GENDERED practice, because often one way but it’s origins don’t actually lie in denying womens’ autonomy. Conversely the permission/blessing things has roots in the notion that a woman doesn’t get to decide for herself. 

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