Asking the parents for their blessing to marry, yay or nay?

posted 8 months ago in Engagement
Post # 76
541 posts
Busy bee

girlfriendphd :  See….here is where I don’t get your notion that its only the history that is sexist. Why is it “respectful” to include a woman’s PARENTS in HER major life decisions? Built into that seems a notion that what respect means is that other people get to own a piece of the choice-mechanism over a woman’s life. That’s not respectful of her as an autonomous, independent adult person. It’s not respectful of that in the here and now, not just in a hisorical sense. And the fact that its rarely the case the woman has to go ask permission of the man’s parents before she marries him just indicates that here and now (not just historically) we treat the man as an independent autonomous person….and not the woman. 

(Queer relationships often function differently for just this reason.) 

Post # 77
363 posts
Helper bee

bakerbee09 :  My FH asked my parents and I was glad he did. To me it’s a way of letting my parents know how serious he is about our relationship and sort of allowed them to know in a special way before others did.

Post # 78
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Mine didn’t speak to my parents beforehand and I’m glad he didn’t. For me it’s not so much about the whole “transfer of ownership” idea, though I do agree that’s unpleasant. It was more that I’m a self sufficient adult in my 30s, I’d been living on my own for many years, living with him for 2, and frankly it was nobody’s business but mine and my husband. We didn’t have a proposal anyway, we just discussed that we wanted to get married and then we were engaged, so there wouldn’t have been any cause to ask for a blessing anyway.

I’d like my parents to be happy with my choice (and they are), but harsh as it may sound, I couldn’t care less if they or anyone gives their blessing for our marriage, because it’s OUR marriage.

Post # 79
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

We are definitely more traditional, so Darling Husband knew to ask for my dad’s blessing before he proposed.  Even though we are in our 30s, it is a sign of respect to my family.  Before he proposed, he showed the ring to my mom and grandma; then tried to find a way to get my dad alone (I was in the house too).  When Darling Husband asked for my dad’s blessing, apparently he was so nervous that he held out the ring and my dad was like “do you have something to ask me?” 😂.  While I understand why some people don’t like this tradition, for us, it was important and worked for us.

Post # 80
313 posts
Helper bee

brettashley :  Actually, I didn’t receive an engagement ring and there was no formal proposal. I agree that most wedding traditions have problematic origins and I would prefer if society didn’t perpetuate them. 

Post # 81
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Yes, my husband did ask my father. I think it’s essential since it’s showing respect. 

Post # 82
413 posts
Helper bee

For everyone saying that it’s showing respect to your family or parents, did you also ask his parents for their blessing? If not, why? Why would his family not be deserving of the same show of respect in return?

Post # 83
62 posts
Worker bee


personaperson :  Engagement rings predate the DeBeers campaign. That just very successfully popularized the now traditional diamond engagement ring. Origins for engagement rings are in ownership, although I don’t think that’s what they represent now. But I also don’t find asking for a blessing from parents in modern times representative of a woman not having a choice in who she marries.

Post # 84
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My husband took my parents out to lunch to ask for their blessing.  I am not a big fan of that tradition, personally.  But my parents seemed to like it and I didn’t really care.  I just wanted to get married.  It meant my dad had a very nice bottle of champagne waiting for us when we went to “tell them” we were engaged.  Whatever.

On the other side of the coin, my brother did not ask his wife’s parents for their blessing.  He felt that because she was an independent person and in law school, that it would be disrespectful to her to do so.  He then proposed and she was really mad that he hadn’t gotten her dad’s blessing.  He ended up going to talk to her dad after he proposed.

My brother and my husband are both really nice guys who just want everyone to be happy.  I guess this is an issue that a woman should make her position clear on before engagement becomes a possibility.

Post # 85
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If my husband has asked my dad for his blessing he would have laughed and told him he was talking to the wrong person. No one expected me to ask my husband’s parents for their blessing, why should he ask my parents? And we didn’t need or want our parents blessing because we were getting married whether they liked it or not. The decision to get married was a decision no one else needed to be involved in, at any level.

Post # 86
127 posts
Blushing bee

My partner hasn’t asked yet but I know he won’t be talking to my mother beforehand and I’m estranged from my father so not really a thing. 

If he spoke to my grandparents (basically my mum and dad) I’d be kinda bummed. I’d wanna surprise them and tell them myself about our upcoming wedding plus I’m a grown woman. I don’t require their permission. 

Post # 87
8325 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sbl99 :  

No need for barely concealed aggression from the “I’m not property” crowd. Geez chill.

I wonder why you are so dismissive  and rude to to women  who do not agree with this tradition ,which, as has been clearly articulated , has its roots in deeply patriarchal traditions which many  of us find offensive ? 

Perhaps because you know your own  logic to be somewhat flawed on this …….? 

Romantic , old fashioned,cute , sweet, ….possibly,  if it were a reciprocal act .  

Post # 88
174 posts
Blushing bee

I’m in the nay camp, but I don’t have a strong opinion about it. I guess i find it weird that it only includes the man asking the the woman’s parents. Usually couples have agreed to get engaged at some point in the near future so shouldn’t the woman also ask the man’s parents blessing for marriage? Why is it respectful only the other way around? I’m seeing the proposal as a two way street and not just the man’s job.

Post # 89
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - England

bakerbee09 :  personally… I think it depends how it was done. I know it meant a lot to my mum (my dad passed away or he would have been asked as well) for my now husband to ask for her blessing. But it wasn’t like a asking for my hand in marriage thing. It was more me and Em would like to get married and it would mean a lot to have your blessing. But I think he had also talked to his parents about the same thing. And in the highly unlikely scenario either of them HAD said no we would have still got married. 

Post # 90
853 posts
Busy bee

Love is blind, and I’ve known many women (and men, tbh) who got married to scummy people because they didn’t want to hear other’s advice (or, in the case of my aunt, her father refused to give her his opinion and so she married an abusive husband…everyone saw the red flags, but he wouldn’t tell her). Asking for your parent’s blessing has its practical use as well, beyond respect (as long as you have a good relationship with your parents)…if there’s anyone who knows you best, who wants the absolute best for you, who’s been looking out for you for the majority of your life, it’s probably your parents…why disregard their experience and opinion when it comes to something as important as marriage? 

For that reason I think it *should* go both ways, even if it’s just going to your own parent and saying “I wanna marry this person, what do you think of them?” 

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