Post # 91
As someone who is VERY independent. Financially stable(before I got married and currently. I’d be able to function today if husband left) and I didn’t get engaged until I meet my husband at 38 and married for the first time at 41, I thought it was fine that he asked my mother first.
I don’t have any hard feelings. I didn’t feel I needed my feminist card back or that he took something from me. I don’t feel any less independent or somehow kept or degraded in any way. It doesn’t define our relationship. I’m one of, if not the most, independent woman he has ever been with.
And in the end. I’m still me.
Post # 92
Wow, I didn’t know this was such a controversial topic! My husband wrote a long letter to my mother explaining the reasons he wanted to marry me, and essentially asking for her blessing. She loved it so much she got it framed. She also knew all the details about the proposal in advance – date, time, ring, etc.
Maybe my feelings are different because I was raised by a single mother, but I can’t imagine getting engaged to someone who my family did not approve of. Seeing how he treated my mother was a great example of how he will treat me and our children. I would never marry someone who did not include my family in the engagement. Marriage to me is about two families becoming one.
Also, trying to flip the scrip doesn’t make sense, as most times it’s the man who proposes. If I were to propose to him, then it would make sense to ask his family for their blessing. Either way, his side of the family knew all of the details of our engagement as well, and essentially gave us their blessing.
Post # 93
- Wedding: October 2020 - California
Don’t worry about it too much. Its a sweet idea I think we all grow up hoping our SOs will do but every man and culture is different. My guy bought the ring and didn’t tell anyone. I told my mom and family and posted on my social media. My guys dad texted him because I’m friends with his cousin on IG and said “Something you wanna share son?” Hahah. So everyones a little different. But if you feel strongly about him asking your parents, let him know 💕bakerbee09 :
Post # 94
bakerbee09 : I told my SO that if he asked my parents, I would say no. Not even fucking kidding.
Post # 95
- Wedding: April 2021 - City, State
My fiance had no clue about the traditions for proposals and the social rules so he didn’t and I didn’t even ask him about it because I thought that tradition was dead until my aunt asked me if he did that and I said no. What we did instead was just call my dad together and said we were engaged.
Post # 96
My husband did not ask for blessing or permission. I’d have been annoyed with him if he did. My relationship with my dad has improved over recent years but even now I don’t see it as a respect thing. I think has he asked my mum, she’d have laughed and told him to ask me him himself. I think my dad was put out when I rang him, that he had no warning but it’s not something I regret or would change. Especially considering my dad himself didn’t ask ask permission before marrying my mum.
After we got engaged, my father in law visited and said should I have asked his permission to marry his son? I think he thought my husband had asked my dad’s permission and wanted to needle that it wasn’t equal, knowing that I ranted several times about sexism and misogyny. I simply told my father in law it wasn’t up to either of our parents who we married and if our parents had problems with who we picked to marry, they should have realised earlier rather than 4.5 years in and living together for 3 years. That is why there is a dating period.
My father in law tried to argue that marriage was a big deal and you still couldn’t make that decision without parental input (my father in law is an arse in case you couldn’t gather). I asked my Father-In-Law when the last time my husband had asked his permission to do anything – or actually when he discussed his options with him to get an opinion. Had my husband asked his permission to go to the university he chose or when he bucked against the family tradition of arts degrees to do hardcore science? Had he asked permission or blessing when he’d started his career? All of which arguably have as big an impact on someone’s life as to who they marry. I also pointed out that he himself had a marriage that hadn’t worked out before marrying my Mother-In-Law, where he had asked permission from his first Father-In-Law. However, that marriage wasn’t right and he was able to realise that mistake and rectify but the mistake he made of going into a career he hates? He’s still working in that career and will he until retires. He’ll have spent 40+ years doing a job he hates because it makes good money, is seen to be a good provider job and leaving that career (even though finally he could afford to take a pay cut and go work in his passion for 10 years) is seen as a failure. 4 years after that conversation – I feel like I’ve very much gone wrong somewhere in my career and rectifying that mistake is hard. I don’t even know where to begin with it. I still wouldn’t have asked my parents what I should have done because my marriage, my career, where I live – are all decisions I get to make by myself and fuck up (or not) as I see fit.
As for the other bees who say I’d be ok with the sexist traditions if it involves jewellery…. not so much. I have an engagement ring, which I absolutely adore, but I did not want one. I love it because it was given with love and it reminds me of our wonderful weekend away. My husband wanted to buy a ring. I wanted to buy him so we’d be equal and he didn’t one. He also wanted to buy me a diamond – which I absolutely did not want, ever. We comprised in that he bought a gemstone ring. It was not a secret proposal or even an elaborate proposal. I told him if we bought a ring, we were engaged. I was walked down the aisle by my parents. I wanted to walk down by myself or with my husband but my husband wanted to see me walk down the aisle. I refused to be given away. My mum thought I’d be nervous by myself and I realised it was important to my grandma that my dad walk down with me. We comprised in that my in laws walked my husband down and then my parents walked me down but my husband stood with his back to me beforehand (not seeing me) so he could see me walk down the aisle. We also nixed the “who gives this woman”. I wore a white dress because it was important to my mum and husband. I wore a long dress because it was important to my husband, the type of suit he wanted wouldn’t have worked with a shorter dress. If it would have been up to me I’d have worn something colourful and probably shorter. I wore a veil because the bridal shop put one on me before I realised what was happening and my mum’s entire demeanour changed – that thing was the biggest pain in the arse but important to her. I had bridesmaids because I’ve got amazing friends. My bridesmaids didn’t want to do a speech and neither did my mum, I wasn’t forcing anyone to do anything. But not willing to just let men speak on my behalf all day – I shared the speech with my husband. Our wedding definitely had some sexist traditions but they’re not what I would have chosen but comprised on because they were more important to someone else.
Post # 97
Good Lord this thread makes me eyeroll so hard. Like somehow you’re less of an independant woman should your partner speak to your parents? It cracks me up that people are so hardcore against the tradition calling it sexist yet likely participate in plenty of other wedding traditions that ALL started with “sexist” roots.
FWIW I’m a gross ass woman, who at 27 when I got engaged (7 years ago), already owned my own business and had lived with my now husband in the home we purchashed together for 8 years already. He still took my dad to lunch the day he proposed to let him know it was happening that day. I don’t know exactly what went down, I know he didn’t ask “permission” or even technically a “blessing” but I thought it was a very sweet guesture regardless.
My parents certainly didn’t need it or expect it but we are both close with them and I know Darling Husband wanted to make sure they were included because they are a big part of our lives.
Post # 98
loz24 : I LOVED reading your take on this!!!
Post # 99
happiekrappie : Same. Same also goes for a surprise proposal (or any kind of “proposal” really).
Post # 100
futuremrs2020 : I agree with you. It takes cajones. I bet most men would tell you it was more nerve-wracking speaking to the parents about the proposal than the proposal itself. It’s also kind of sweet to let the parents in on the engagement—especially if it’s a surprise.
Post # 101
I don’t think it’s sweet or respectful. It’s a remnant of a system in which women did not have any of their own rights. The women who are defensive if this tradition – I’m sure you think it’s harmless for yourselves but some of us were raised in patriarchal, misogynistic cultures and we know how harmful those traditions can be that reinforce these attitudes. If you want to include your parents in your engagement, why not go to them together as a couple?
Post # 102
My hubby chatted to my parents beforehand, and he’s close with them so it seemed a natural thing to do. If people don’t think it’s suitable for their circumstance then I totally understand and respect that too. It’s pretty closed minded to be painting something like this as unilaterally good or bad in my opinion xo
Post # 103
elderbee : Me saying people can do what they want is rude? But other people claiming “I’m not property”, implying those who adhere to the tradition must consider themselves as such – isn’t?
The feminist movement is about choice at it’s core. And using strong language like that, in my eyes, is not called for. There’s a middle ground here
So – ask, be asked, get blessing, or don’t. Like do what you want, but please let’s not judge eachother.
For reference, Fiance did ask his own parents for their blessing, before he asked mine, as I stated in my original post. So this wasn’t about a transfer of “property”, it was about a man, who respects the wishes of both his and my own family, because it’s important to us. Love not hate man. That’s what it’s all about 🙂 🙂
Post # 104
sbl99 : Most of the women who relate certain aspects of the wedding process as transition of property (asking blessing, father walking down the aisle, name change) usually shut their mouths when you bring up the ering, traditionally should be seen as a symbol that this woman is taken, off the market, or *** someone else’s property. They dont mind when being treated like property involves them getting a shiny ring or their boyfriend getting down on one knee. Everyone has to be equal right?
***comment moderated for use of slur***
Post # 105
I guess I just don’t understand the thought behind it. It kind of weirds me out. After the proposal, do the women then go ask their future in-laws if it’s ok to say “yes”? Or is the would-be groom expected to get permission from both sides & then see if his girlfriend is interested in getting married? I’m assuming in this dynamic, she’s just kind of chilling until everyone decides what they want and then maybe she gets the final veto? I guess this works for a surprise proposal but might be less effective if she’s had any input into ring buying, etc.
Because if its all about respectfully asking permission, it’s not that respectful to show up with a several thousand dollar ring as leverage for a parental blessing. Seems like this would be more of a “ask for forgiveness scenario rather than permission”. Idk. Seems kind of complicated & unnecessary.