Post # 1
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
This post is purely for curiosity’s sake. I’m just a waiting bee but lots of the etiquette posts on here have got me thinking. Just wondering, what would you think and do if you got invited to a wedding and part of the invitation said this?
“Whilst guests are in no way obliged to give us a gift, we understand that some people may want to. This section’s for them! Having already lived together, we have acquired most things that could be considered traditional wedding gifts for a newlywed couple setting up home. Therefore we don’t have a wedding list! If anyone would like to give us a gift, we would love charitable donations of any size to be given to [charity name] in memory of [SO]’s mum who we’re sure would have loved to see us get married. This charity is very special to us as they cared for her at the end of her life and made those last days worth living. Anyone who wishes to donate to [charity name] can visit our donations website to make an online payment, with the option of remaining anonymous, or can give us a cheque addressed to [charity name].
Would you think it was rude? Would you donate to charity? Would you get them a different gift or no gift at all?
Post # 3
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
I think if it was on a website or you spread the news by word of mouth it would be a nice gesture and I would happily contribute. Putting it on the invitation is a bit much though. I feel like gifts shouldn’t be mentioned at all on the invite.
Post # 4
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
I think that sounds lovely, and I would have no problem donating to charity. If I received something like that in an invitation, I would be touched by the honesty and generousity.
Post # 5
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I just think its rude to specifically ask for something in particular. Charitable donations should be made with a willing heart not because they have been told to do so by a couple getting married
Post # 6
Member
10588 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I agree with @Natalieh86:
I don’t have a problem with what you wrote, just don’t include anything about gifts with your invitation.
Post # 7
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
I think it’s kind of in between rude and not. Definitely don’t put it in the invitations. And obviously don’t have any showers. If I saw it written somewhere, I might raise my eyebrows and go “really?”
You listed “I would not give them a gift” as if that were a bad option, but what if I saw the charity, and it was something that I didn’t agree with? Even if I didn’t dislike the charity, I might just think, “well, I’m definitely not gettting them a gift since they clearly don’t want any…” and I may or may not donate to the charity.
Post # 8
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
We did a charity registry and I’m glad we did it. It felt good to think about others during the business of wedding planning (where it’s so easy to get wrapped in just the wedding).
I agree with the others that putting it on the invitation isn’t kosher, etiquette rules say you shouldn’t mention gifts at all.
Post # 8
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
@red_rose: I live in England so no bridal showers for me anyway! That’s an American thing.Also, I don’t think that the type of charity I’m talking about is one that people CAN disagree with. They take care of people who are dying. Surely everyone supports that. It isn’t a contentious issue.
And for folks saying don’t mention gifts with the invitation, that’s interesting because that’s when people usually do mention them in my experience – usually as part of the invitation. If you create a website, you have to bear in mind that not everyone will read it. For the older generations, especially, it can be scary and/or confusing so they sometimes steer clear of the internet. I have seen people have wedding websites where you HAVE to RSVP online though and I really love the idea as, for me, it just makes replying so much easier. But I would be worried to do that for myself in case some people didn’t have access to the internet and it was a big hassle for them. I think I love the idea of not mentioning it all on the invitations, having people have to RSVP online and then everyone is bound to read the extra info (or I would do anyway).
Post # 9
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
@ginnyc: How did you let people know? Did it go down well?
Post # 10
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
By The Way, i think what you’re doing is very thoughtful and generous. It’s a touching way to honor a loved one.
Post # 10
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
By The Way, i think what you’re doing is very thoughtful and generous. It’s a touching way to honor a loved one.
Post # 11
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
@bells: But when people make wedding lists/register for gifts, they are asking for something VERY specific. Do you think that’s rude too? I do think it’s rude but it seems to be the custom and I thought everyone accepts that custom. Personally, it always seemed weird and expectant though.
Post # 12
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
We put it on our website. We listed our website on our save the dates and had a “reception” card in our invitation with general info about the reception and our website. The website was mostly helpful info about the wedding. According to the etiquette books (which I sometimes disagree with), this is an ok way to go.
Ideally you can spread this info through word of mouth, but considering we live in 2011 maybe a facebook status update would be better?
We registered with the i do foundation (www.idofoundation.org) so we could direct our guests to that website. There are other websites, http://www.justgive.org or http://www.globalgiving.org, as well. That way you can get notified when people make donations so you can send them a thank-you.
It went very well! Our guests thought it was very thoughtful of us. We also had a traditional registry at Bed, Bath, & Beyond so people who wanted to get us a traditional gift had that option.
Post # 13
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
Related to etiquette, the “experts” disagree on whether or not a charity registry is acceptable. this is one of the times I decided to ignore Miss Manners. If it’s rude to tell my guests we would love a donation to a local food pantry to help the hungry in our community instead of a toaster, then I can live with being rude.
Post # 14
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
I don’t see anything wrong with this – since most people put registry information on their wedding website, you can put a link to the charity instead of the typical registry.
