Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
Hi ladies! I am in a vey awkward situation and am hoping someone has been in the same boat as me. I just got engaged and that evening we hung out with a bunch of our friends and one girl said “I can’t wait to help plan your wedding! Do you want me to keep my hair like this or will it not look good with the dresses you had in mind?!”
Back story I lived with her and her fiancé for about 9 months until I got plain sick of it (they don’t know that cause I wanted to keep the friendship. I said I had to move home to help my mom with money). I am in there wedding.. But I am a grooms maid (since I am closer to the groom). When I lived with her a year ago she asked if she would be a bridesmaid and I said that I didn’t know. It all depended on what my groom wanted with his side. In our friend group of 4 girls, including her, she has not been asked. Since you assumed it made me feel really uncomfortable and I have already asked all the other girls to be in my wedding. How should I break the news to her? I thought about asking her to read something or be guest book attendant but she said earlier this year (because she threw a fit about not being in my best friends wedding) that she is sick of being all those things and never a bridesmaid. Help??
Post # 2
Member
4025 posts
Honey bee
Yikes that is tough. You included everyone else in your friend circle except her? I don’t see how to avoid hurt feelings here at all. She’s going to feel excluded because she was.. You of course have every right to choose who you want to have by your side, but including everyone else except for one person seems a bit mean. Is there a specific reason you don’t want her as a bridesmaid?
Post # 3
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
Unless you go down the generic route of ”we haven’t decided yet” but there’s only so long you can keep using that. She will be hurt that everyone but her is involved but it’s you and your FIs day and it is down to you two to make the decision. Unless you can say it’s a money thing or you’re just having a small wedding?
Post # 4
Member
5 posts
Newbee
FutureMrsBex : she’s in our friend circle because she always inserts herself into everything and we are friends with her husband. She is very controlling and over bartering everything has to go her way..
Post # 5
Member
5 posts
Newbee
busybee200717 : yeah we don’t want to have her waiting to assume. I asked the two girls in our friend group to be matrons they are always there from me, then my two best friends from high school, and my big in my sorority. My fiancé only wants 5 so i can’t even add her to make her happy..
Post # 6
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
I wouldn’t ask her to be in your bridal party out of guilt, but the easiest thing to do (though awkward/painful in the moment) is just be up front with her. You don’t have to defend your choices, just say that you’re trying to keep the group small and include different people from different circles and you unfortunately won’t be including her. If you’ve already decided (and if she’s really controlling she’s probably not the best person to be in your bridal party to begin with), then don’t let her keep thinking it’s going to happen.
People don’t like hearing they’re going to be left out so there’s not really any way to do this to really prevent feelings from being hurt, but the kindest thing to do is to shut it down quickly. Letting her assume she’s going to be asked is just going to build up her expectations and lead to a bigger disappointment later.
Post # 7
Member
5 posts
Newbee
kflemin3 : this is he best advise I have gotten. Thank you so much!!
Post # 8
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
This sort of happened to me but in reverse (if that makes any sense). I used to be part of a group of girls. We were all roommates in our early 20’s, and after the roommate situation ended we all got together at least once a month. When one of the girls got engaged I was unexpectedly excluded as a bridesmaid (and all the other girls were asked). This was the beginning of the end of the friendship because this was how I found out that the group valued me as ‘less’ because I was always the ‘odd duck’ when it came to interests. I found out that they had been stringing me along as a friend all those years out of guilt. I left the group because that is the wrong reason to be friends with people.
I would have personally prefered to be told privately and gently that I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, instead of finding out through the ‘grapevine’ that all the other girls had been asked but me.
Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
I agree with PP about just letting her know up front and being honest with her. Tell her you’re limited to 5 BMs and that it was a hard decision. That’s honest, but gentle. If it turns bad, just tell her again that you’re sorry, but the decision has been made. She won’t be happy, as no one likes to be told they’re not included, but it’s your day and you shouldn’t have to add BMs out of guilt. You choose who YOU and Fiance want to be a part of your special day. She will eventually get over it…hopefully. If not, it’s her problem to deal with, not yours.
Post # 10
Member
5 posts
Newbee
snowflake8 : in really sorry this happened to you.. But appreciate your honestly and advise!!
Post # 11
Member
13754 posts
Honey Beekeeper
If you aren’t close that’s one thing. If she asks you can say you haven’t made final decisions yet, which according to your post is true. You owe her no “explanation.” Unless she directly confronts you yet again, it would be wrong to tell her she isn’t included. No doubt eventually she’ll be hurt.
But please don’t labor under the false idea that parties have to be evenly matched in number or use that as your excuse. Friends are friends, not props.
Post # 12
Member
6296 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
futuremrsnewton : “she’s in our friend circle because she always inserts herself into everything”
Bee, you were inserted in her home for 9 months, and she is also the Fiance of your close friend, so it wasn’t all her. That being said, I would be honest with her sooner rather than later, and would be truthful. Be ready for hurt feelings from her and her Fiance, but ultimately, you should only have in your Wedding Party those closest to you, and as PP stated, you don’t have to explain your choices.