(Closed) Assume she's a bridesmaid..

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
4073 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Yikes that is tough. You included everyone else in your friend circle except her? I don’t see how to avoid hurt feelings here at all. She’s going to feel excluded because she was.. You of course have every right to choose who you want to have by your side, but including everyone else except for one person seems a bit mean. Is there a specific reason you don’t want her as a bridesmaid? 

Post # 3
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

Unless you go down the generic route of ”we haven’t decided yet” but there’s only so long you can keep using that.  She will be hurt that everyone but her is involved but it’s you and your FIs day and it is down to you two to make the decision.  Unless you can say it’s a money thing or you’re just having a small wedding? 

Post # 6
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I wouldn’t ask her to be in your bridal party out of guilt, but the easiest thing to do (though awkward/painful in the moment) is just be up front with her. You don’t have to defend your choices, just say that you’re trying to keep the group small and include different people from different circles and you unfortunately won’t be including her. If you’ve already decided (and if she’s really controlling she’s probably not the best person to be in your bridal party to begin with), then don’t let her keep thinking it’s going to happen.

People don’t like hearing they’re going to be left out so there’s not really any way to do this to really prevent feelings from being hurt, but the kindest thing to do is to shut it down quickly. Letting her assume she’s going to be asked is just going to build up her expectations and lead to a bigger disappointment later.

Post # 8
Member
4225 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

This sort of happened to me but in reverse (if that makes any sense). I used to be part of a group of girls. We were all roommates in our early 20’s, and after the roommate situation ended we all got together at least once a month. When one of the girls got engaged I was unexpectedly excluded as a bridesmaid (and all the other girls were asked). This was the beginning of the end of the friendship because this was how I found out that the group valued me as ‘less’ because I was always the ‘odd duck’ when it came to interests. I found out that they had been stringing me along as a friend all those years out of guilt. I left the group because that is the wrong reason to be friends with people.

I would have personally prefered to be told privately and gently that I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, instead of finding out through the ‘grapevine’ that all the other girls had been asked but me.

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I agree with PP about just letting her know up front and being honest with her. Tell her you’re limited to 5 BMs and that it was a hard decision. That’s honest, but gentle. If it turns bad, just tell her again that you’re sorry, but the decision has been made. She won’t be happy, as no one likes to be told they’re not included, but it’s your day and you shouldn’t have to add BMs out of guilt. You choose who YOU and Fiance want to be a part of your special day. She will eventually get over it…hopefully. If not, it’s her problem to deal with, not yours.

Post # 11
Member
14009 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If you aren’t close that’s one thing. If she asks you can say you haven’t made final decisions yet, which according to your post is true. You owe her no “explanation.” Unless she directly confronts you yet again, it would be wrong to tell her she isn’t included. No doubt eventually she’ll be hurt. 

But please don’t labor under the false idea that  parties have to be evenly matched in number or use that as your excuse. Friends are friends, not props. 

Post # 12
Member
6286 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

View original reply
futuremrsnewton :  “she’s in our friend circle because she always inserts herself into everything”

Bee, you were inserted in her home for 9 months, and she is also the Fiance of your close friend, so it wasn’t all her.  That being said, I would be honest with her sooner rather than later, and would be truthful.  Be ready for hurt feelings from her and her Fiance, but ultimately, you should only have in your Wedding Party those closest to you, and as PP stated, you don’t have to explain your choices.

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