Post # 1
I have been dating my fiance for about ten years now and have been living together for almost three years. About two years ago my boyfriend’s cousin met a girl and the following year they got engaged. When we received the invitation to the wedding (at that point my fiance and I were not yet engaged ourselves but had been living together for at least two years) the invitation was addressed to “Mr. John Doe”. There was no mention of “and guest”, no mention of my name at all. I’ve always been under the impression that etiquette dictates that whoever is listed on the invitation is exactly who is invited to the wedding (therefore, if there is no mention of my name specifically anywhere on the invitation and the words “and guest” are not included, then he cannot assume that he is able to bring a guest).
Was I wrong in my assumption? I felt as though it would be rude to call and ask if it was a mistake (especially if it was an intentional move on their part). In talking with some family members we “heard through the grapevine” that there was possibly a mistake in addressing the envelopes and we were both encouraged by my fiance’s father (the uncle of the groom) to attend the wedding anyway… However I never felt comfortable going because we never heard from the bride and groom themselves that it was a mistake. The wedding was several states away and required at least one over-night stay, so my fiance made the decision not to go to the wedding (which I think may have caused some hard feelings with his cousin the groom). Were we wrong in our choice not to attend the wedding?? What would you have done if you were in my shoes???
Post # 3
First, I commend you for not assuming you were invited and sending back your RSVP/attending the wedding. If only more people were as considerate!
However, given that you were living together and are now engaged, it would not have been rude to make a phone call to clarify this–especially when word started filtering down that there might have been a mistake! If you called and it wasn’t a mistake then it would only have reflected poorly on that couple for not inviting you, not on you for attempting to clarify a confusing situation. If you called and it was a mistake, then it might have prevented those hard feelings about your FI’s non-attendence from arising.
Still, the situation appears to have passed. I hope that this doesn’t happen to you again, but if it does I would call!
Post # 4
I don’t think you were wrong in your choice not to attend. It’s a choice. as much as the bridal couple may love everyone they invite to attend, that’s what it is, an invitation. not a requirement.
personally if i was your fiance i would have called the cousin to double check about you being invited making sure. my theory is that there is nothing wrong in asking (as long as it is ONLY asking – not demanding or whining or guilt-tripping). i was invited to a wedding of an old roommate that was only addressed to me. since i had become engaged before her i wasn’t sure if i was to assume that my fiance was invited or not so i asked. at the time i asked she was unable to accommodate him due to size constraints but then she called me up a few weeks later letting me know that since they had gotten several declines if my fiance was able to make it they would love to him come (he lives out of town).
i think you guys reacted fine based on the information given to you. i’m sorry it has caused some hard feelings with the cousin though. 🙁
Post # 5
Hmm.. tricky situation but if your fiance had already decided not to go b/c it’s an out-of-town wedding and let them know that he won’t be coming, I’m wondering why you’d be so worried? Did you guys change your mind to go and wanted to both attend the wedding?
But in any case, if I were you, I wouldn’t show up at the wedding just because the uncle of the groom said you should attend. After all, it’s the bride and the groom (or the bride’s family) who are in charge of the guest list. Maybe having your fiance call and ask them casually, ‘just making sure’ kinda way, would solve the problem? Good luck and hope everything works out!
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
You were absolutely right in your assumption that the envelope indicated you weren’t invited. In that situation, I would have called them to check, just since you’ve been dating for so long and you’re engaged – it could have been a mistake.
I definitely think you did the right thing in not listening to the people who told you to just go anyways!
Post # 7
You guys did the right thing! If the cousin is mad that’s on him.
Post # 8
I think you did the right thing, even with the uncle saying you were invited. The fact is, it’s not his wedding. We have this situation right now where my future mother-in-law just invited someone after they gave us their guest list and we had already sent out save the dates. We kept saying this person couldn’t come and she kept insisting he come. So now he’s getting an invite but I really hope he doesn’t show up and if he does I won’t be saying hello. Good for you, your judgement was correct!