(Closed) Assumptions. Assumptions everywhere! [three issues]

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Well as for the first two, they should know when they don’t receive an invite/an invite addressed to just them. So that you don’t need to worry about, and if they ask you directly say ‘intimate wedding, only people in relationships’ partners, want to know and be close to everyone there’. The third issue is a little bit more tricky, just tell your aunt it is a childfree wedding, and if she asks about the kids that will be there say they are there because of them being in the bridal party or the extremely special circumstances. Just say no to her kids.

Post # 4
Member
6746 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m going to address the aunt first –

I really think that when you have no kids at a wedding, the best thing to do is to hire a babysitter at the reception.  Anyone who shows up with kids will sit in a room separate from the entire event and be babysat.  Personally, I’ve always thought of weddings as adult events and I would kill those children if they attended my wedding and destroyed it with their demonic behavior. 

If you’re not going to do that, you need to tell her flat out NO.  Life isn’t fair and weddings aren’t about what’s fair to the guests, it’s about the bride and the groom and what they want.  Tell her that you and your husband want to enjoy and celebrate the day with adults only and that there were few exceptions made to the rule for compelling reasons and “it’s not fair” is not a compelling reason. 

Now on to the people who are assuming they’re invited –

I don’t see a reason why you need to say anything at all.  They’ll figure it out when they don’t get an invite.

As for the ones who are assuming they’ll get a plus one –

Go ahead and tell them nicely from now that you don’t think everyone will be getting a plus one because your venue has spacing restrictions and your budget doesn’t allow it so your rule is that only people in long-term committed relationships will be allowed to bring plus ones.  But, that if anything changes before the invitations go out, you will be sure to include “and Guest” for them if that is something that you can afford at that point. 

Just be firm, but nice with people.  Honey brings more bees than fire or something like that lol..

Post # 5
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

Issue number 1 – keep your wedding OFF of FB from  here on out and ignore any comments on there.

Issue number 2 – Tell your friend you have a small venue and a large guest list so you are only giving +1’s to people who are married/engaged/living together.  Make sure you seat your singles with people they know very well and will enjoy.  Don’t put them at Wierd Uncle  Ezra’s table.

Issue number 3 – Tell your aunt you are sorry but you can’t accomodate any other children.  You do NOT have to explain yourself.  You have told her it is your sister and FI’s cousin and that is it.  If she brings up the “it’s only fair” thing again, just tell her your are sorry she feels that way but you can’t accomodate the children.  If she says, “then I’m NOT coming!”, calmly reply, “I’m sorry to hear that.  You will be missed.”

I’ve seen feral children at weddings and it is not pretty.

Post # 6
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Life isn’t fair and weddings aren’t about what’s fair to the guests, it’s about the bride and the groom and what they want.

Actually, this is kind of a toxic attitude to carry around during wedding planning. The fact is that the moment you decide to have a wedding (i.e. invite guests to an event, rather than just having a private JOP ceremony), by default you assume responsibility for making sure they enjoy themselves. That’s what it means to host an event. So … nope, it’s not a blank check for self-indulgence. Don’t worry, you actually have plenty of good reasons for limiting your guest list – this just isn’t one of them.
 
Re. the feral children: part of making sure that you show all of your guests a good time is protecting them from being subjected to this kind of behavior. Re. everyone you’ve ever met expecting an invitation with a plus one: part of showing your guests a good time is making sure you plan an event where you can afford to make it a nice party for all the guests. That means keeping the guest list to a reasonable size.

You might have to have some hard conversations about the little cousins – but it sounds like someone needs to. Their parents are doing them no favors by allowing them to grow up without learning how to function in public in socially-acceptable ways. For everybody else, just keep repeating, “We wish we could invite everyone we know, but it’s going to have to be a small event, mainly for family.”

Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

1. Ignore and Delete facebook posts and change the subject if the wedding comes up. If someone asks you, in person, just say something like “we haven’t finalized our guest list yet” and immediatley change the subject. Do not bring up the wedding at all on facebook.  Whent ehy don’t receive an invite they (should) get the hint. If they still bug you and have the audacity to ask why they weren’t invited you can say “I’m sorry we had to keep the guest list small and couldn’t invite everyone we wanted to” and again, change the subject.

2. The only people who get “plus ones” are those who are single. No boyfriends/girlfriends, partners, spouses, etc. If anyone is dating anyone, regardless for how long, they need to be invited with that person. If those two friends are the only ones who are seeing someone then fine, but I doubt that’s the case. If someone is truly single you do not have to give plus ones. But even if someone has only been with someone a week or two (if they consider themselves together) they must be invited together.

 3. You need to tell her, repeatedly, that her children aren’t invited when she asks. She’ll probably throw a fit or RSVP for her whole family when you send the invite addressed only to her and her husband. If she does you say “I’m sorry aunt, the invitation was for you and your husband only. If you need some extra time to figure things out that’s okay, just please let me know if you can still attend or not!” and change the subject.

Unfortunately she seems like the type who will bring her children anyways. You are not obligated to provide seats or meals for uninvited guests.

Post # 8
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@winterbride14:  I worded online save the dates this way:

Please hold June 8, 2013 for the Marriage Ceremony of XX and XX in Philadelphia.

We’re hosting an intimate gathering of friends and family. If you’re available, please bring yourself to come and celebrate with us. There will be plenty of people there that you know so you won’t be alone. 

Please send me your mailing address so that we can start the formal invitation process.

**
When people asked or mentioned dates, I let them know that both FI and I come from very large families and we have to keep our guest list manageable. We’re much longer on love than we are on money and we’re so grateful that our family and friends understand that seating is limited.

**
For family members that have children and significant others that are not invited, I followed up with:

“Just an FYI, we’re not inviting significant others. the younger cousins didn’t even get invitations — our families are just too big. your invitation is just for you. i hope that’s okay. i didn’t want the people in your lives to feel left out but we have more family than we have money. LOL”

one family memember kept pushing back on her grandchildren not being invited and i wrote:

“I totally understand your concern so if childcare is and issue and you’re not able to make it, we won’t be offended.  we simply can’t afford to have all of the younger members of our family, nor do we have the space so we decided to have an adult celebration so that our most honored relatives and guests, such as yourself, can be a part of our special day. Please let us know if your plans change and you won’t be able to attend.”

****

there were family members that assumed invites but we simply DIDNT invite them.  no one has asked why they didn’t get one but if they did, we would say the same thing — we have to keep it small for financial reasons.
 

Post # 10
Member
46 posts
Newbee

1. FB. Do not reply. They are faces, not intimate friends 🙂

2. “I am not keen on people bringing randoms to  my wedding, not sure how to politely shut that one down?” A scripted response to any mention of additional guests, whether by email, text, or verbally, is the best way to negate the idea. “We would be delighted to see you at the event. We are inviting a limited number of guests and will not be able to accomodate more than the invitees.” I’m sure it could be worded better, but you get the idea….. 

3. same scripted response. I really do not feel that apologizing, explaining, or having long conversations with ppl that feel that they should bring feral children, random dates, or third cousins once removed is needed….just keep repeating till you’re blue in the face “limited guest list”

Post # 11
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@winterbride14:  I had a few people like that too. I just didn’t say anything back or mentioned that we hadn’t even figured out our guest list yet or even how big our wedding would be.

Post # 12
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ladidah2:  Feral children  LOLOLOL I love that.

Post # 13
Member
2157 posts
Buzzing bee

@winterbride14:  Sounds exactly like my wedding! No kids, no +1’s for people who aren’t in committed relationships. 

When you send invites, write their name in for them on the reply card, and leave it up to them to check yes or no. That way they know it is only for them. 

Post # 14
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@winterbride14:   I feel ya. I had someone assume she was a bridesmaid…. total awksauce. 

Peoole will realise they are not invited when they dont get an invite. As for people wanting to bring a date, addressnthings just to them and pray.

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