(Closed) At a loss… Need some advice please

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
513 posts
Busy bee

That’s really tough. Do you know what is at the root of his commitment issues? I would give him one more chance and if he doesn’t propose by Easter, leave. Does he get this panicked with other major life decisions?

Post # 4
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

Yikes, reading this I thought your Fiance was going to be younger than “in his 30s” — how can he still be acting like that?!  Points for him for seeing a counselor, but how much longer are you going to let him string you along with promises he doesn’t fulfill?

Personally I would move out and if that isn’t the shock that he needs to get serious, move on.

Sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁

Post # 5
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

imo, i don’t think he wants to get married.  if he is having these panic attacks, there is something much deeper. 

he is waiting for this perfect stress-free time before he proposes.  i think his image of marriage is unrealistic and when everything is not perfect, that’s what’s causing the anxiety.

op, is marriage/no marriage a deal breaker for you?  you are still young but i think it’s time that you think about yourself and your goals and dreams.  you may want your bf to be apart of your future but if he doesn’t fit, he doesn’t fit.  no one will be happy.

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ArielBelle:  This reminds me of the “I’ll do it tomorrow” Problem. My Fiance had this where he would say that he would tackle something big (like sorting out problems with family) but he’d do it in a week or two weeks. When the time came, he wasn’t ready and would put it off.

 

This sounds exactly what your SO is doing except he seems to have this idea of marriage that is obviously very scary to him. Before he can commit, maybe he needs to know that marriage can be happy and healthy – where you’re there for him through the good and bad. If he doesn’t have some sort of realization about this, he may never become fully commited.

 

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Do your best by being there for him but don’t forget to take care of yourself – you deserve to be happy!

 

Post # 7
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Perhaps you can go to a therapy session together.

Post # 8
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I do therapy with people who have a crapton of family issues. I think a lot of people don’t think about the impact that their parent’s relationship has on their own. Having your father commit suicide secondary to a bad divorce really does have an impact on you. Having a parent absent for the majority of your childhood is enough to F you up…having one take his life partially because of family stress can super F you up.

And I mean SUPER F you up.

I don’t know exactly what to say because this seems like it could go either way. The fact that he’s having panic attacks is very disconcerting and it seems like he needs a lot more time than early 2013. Go to therapy with him when he allows for it and work through it together.

Do you have a walk date? If this isn’t something able to be resolved, and you aren’t willing to be BF/GF for the rest of your life, you may want to consider it.

Post # 10
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

My friend was in a similar situation and I’m very sorry to tell you that it did not work out. Fortunately, she wasted very little time leaving him.

The were in the process of buying a vintage ring and moving in together.  Out of the blue, on the day the movers were coming to his apartment, he couldn’t get out of bed.  It was like a light switch.  He had an anxiety attack that landed him in the hospital.  

They tried for another few months, but he’d stop taking medication or something would trigger a panic attack and they’d be back at that place where he couldn’t get out of bed.  

I think he’s right about trying to have an amazing 3 months.  It’s not a huge amount of time lost in the long run if he doesn’t propose.  I think you need to be prepared for both scenarios and you need to be prepared to really talk to him about the wedding planning process if it does happen.  He may have needs that need to be met in order to get through an engagment without another panic attack.  

Post # 11
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ugh! This is a tough situation.  It’s obviously entirely up to you.  If you love him then I think you have to stick it out and see how it plays out.  If you can consider walking away then I’d say you probably don’t love him as much as you think you.  My fingers are crossed that everything works out for you!!

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