(Closed) At a total loss..no wedding & maybe no engagement.. *Long*

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. What he’s done to you is absolutely wrong. And trying to blame you for his actions is completely ridiculous – there is no excuse for what he’s done. You’re right to call off the wedding and re-evaluate things. You deserve much better.

Post # 4
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Then he said I had to take some of the blame for this because we have a boring sex life and I won’t do anything to change it.. that he does these things bc I wont try new things..

Oh hell no! This is not your fault! If he was truly sorry, he wouldn’t be putting blame on you.  I’ve been with my husband for almost four years and there have been times that our sex life has been “boring”.  When that happens, you find a way to make it exciting again–you don’t go online and post pictures of your privates for other women to see!

Post # 5
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow. I’m so sorry. This sounds crazy.

Even though it’s a horrible mess right now, I don’t think you’re making the wrong decision. You’re using your head even though your heart must be telling you all sorts of things.

He might not be a bad person. He might be a great match for you. But the fact is that you don’t trust him. I wouldn’t trust him either, based on what you’ve told us, and it’s impossible to build a life with someone whom you constantly have to check up on.

Don’t let him make you think that you’re to blame for this. The time for him to address the issues with your sex life was before now. And if he was unhappy, then the decent thing to do would have been to move on rather than keep you in the dark while he looked for satisfaction elsewhere. You’re being so strong right now, and I’d hate to think that you might let him talk you into giving him the upper hand.

Again, I’m sorry. You and I don’t know one another, but I still want to lend you my support and my sympathies. Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh honey, ((HUGS)).

You are not to blame!! Listen, my husband and I have been together for 7 years, and I have gone through some health stuff where sex was barely happening. Was he frustrated?? Of course he was. But, we did other things to make sure both of us were getting what we needed, and he never once turned to porn or anything else. We both feel that the other person is all we need. I know some people are cool with porn, but that’s only if both people agree that its ok in their relationship. 

You do not have to put up with this. I can see working things out if it were just porn, but with the dating sites as well?? Sorry, that would be a huge deal breaker for me. He won’t change, even if you do. 

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

WTF? He absolutely CANNOT blame this on you! My sex life with my fiance was “boring” when he was deployed for 6 months, but neither one of us would be okay with the other using that as an excuse for a SECOND.

I cannot tell you what to do here, not knowing you, but the fact that he would even TRY to get you to accept blame for this is a juvenile, self-centered thing to do, and he needs to accept full responsibility for his actions before he deserves you.

I am so, so sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope everything works out. Stay strong – it sounds like you know what you deserve, so don’t forget that! 

Post # 9
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MrsSl82be: Agreed completely!

OP: You totally are NOT to blame.. Yes, we all have “needs” and urges BUT unlike the rest of the animal kingdom we are able to learn to control our actions. Darling Husband and I didn’t even have a sex life before getting married and he didn’t turn to porn or even masturbation during that time.. it was something that he took control of b/c he cared about my heart on the matter. Since getting married and getting pregnant there are have been weeks where sex was totally out of the question but still he doesn’t turn to other things.

It sounds to me like you Fiance has some deeper issues concerning the matter and is trying to fill something that more than likely has been there longer than he’s even known you. He needs to figure those out and deal with them before he can appropriately love someone else… b/c right now his trying to fulfill his own “needs” it totally selfish.

So sorry you’re going through this. I hope that everything gets worked out (together or not) and that your heart can heal so that you can know like you know like you know that you are SO worth SO much more than that.

(((hugs)))

Post # 10
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ew, what a jerk. I wouldn’t put up with that. He can say he’ll change until he’s blue in the face, but most likely he won’t. I dated a guy like that, he was meeting and sleeping with random girls when I finally left. I don’t get guys and porn.

Post # 11
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

RUN GIRL! This guys is a liar and a cheat and you deserve someone who treats you soooo much better than that! The fact that he is trying to blame you – seriously??? Its your fault he is posting photos on his junk on the internet??? Give me a break!

I can only imagine how hurt you are, but you need to get away from this jerk. I promise that after a few weeks of feeling like total crap and crying your eyes out, you will wake up one morning and say “Thank God I found out what a POS he was before I married him!” Then you will move forward and find so much more joy and happiness with a MAN who takes responsibilities for his actions and treats his partner with respect.

Post # 12
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so sorry, dear, but you were absolutely right to walk away from that situation. Porn aside (everyone has different opinions on that), your bf is turning to texting/online dating sites because he wants attention from other women – not because he is dissatisfied in the bedroom. If one is dissatisfied and respects their partner, you talk about it, communicate, and work on it. You don’t lie to someone’s face and sneak behind their back. He knows what he was doing was wrong, clearly he was actively hiding it. 

Like a PP, I have health problems that often interfere with sex…it’s frustrating, but we talk about it. We can’t just fix it, but it doesn’t drive us to other people. You cannot let him convince you that you have to shoulder any blame for this. 

As my friend recently reminded me, relationships are about respect. If you don’t respect the other person, you will behave in a way that shows this. Clearly he is behaving in a disrespectful manner, and I can imagine that it will be hard for you to have respect for him after these incidences. 

You sound like you’ve got a strong outlook, so keep it up and stay brave. I’m sure you both love each other, but frankly, it’s not enough if there are secrets, distrust, and lack of respect. And those factors are difficult to change. 

Good luck! Stay strong! (Hugs)

Post # 13
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this. I really am. It is my worse fear. You CAN NOT blame yourself for his straying to the internet. You can’t! He is lacking in respect for you once he goes on there, but once he blames you he just shows he really doesn’t respect you or your feelings. He is belittleing you. Good luck, and as hard as it will be to walk away, it seems like you know that is what you have to do. Just remember–it’s easier to walk away now then tomorrow or the day after or a year from now.

Post # 13
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Porn’s one thing, but the adult dating site looking for a discreet relationship kicks this into a whole new territory.  I hate to say it but do you know for certain if he’s cheated already?

I’m personally fine with porn, but this search for something on the side and/or naked pictures and texting… yeah that’s over the line.  I would leave this person behind and move on.  There are so many other worthwhile people out there. 

Post # 14
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Stick to your guns, girl.  You’re the best thing he’ll never have.

What I dislike the most about this turn of events is that he tried to turn the blame on you. That’s a dealbreaker, right there:

Not only is he lying to you; but he is lying to himself. 

Post # 15
Member
14424 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was already swearing him off for continuing to lie, but he really tipped the scale when he said it was partly your fault.  No freaking way, stand your ground and find someone better who wont lie and cheat, then try to blame you for it!

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