Post # 1
I just need to vent. I have been feeling very negatively towards my husband for quite some time. Keep in mind that I am working full time and going to school full time, and keeping up the lion’s share of the housework. Most recently, his position was eliminated company wide and he had to take a part-time bartending gig at a small place down the street. He had left a very cushy position that paid quite nicely to follow his dreams in taking the position that was eliminated – along with a gigantic 25% paycut. We made it work, but now we are slowly digging into savings that I have calculated will be depleted within the year. During the month he was laid off, he didn’t pick up any extra housework and didn’t apply for a single job. In fact, I applied him for the part-time bar gig because we desperately needed any income on his part. We had been talking about TTC in July since January – this is now on hold indefinitely until he can get his act together. He seems in no rush to get things moving, he keeps telling me he will apply for things and then doesn’t . I am having to beg him to do normal housework that he has promised me that he would do. He keeps telling me that he wants to go back to school but does not know what for (his current degree was expensive and worthless – a lib. Arts degree). He has been saying this to me for several years’ now. He won’t take the time out of his day to look into programs and figure it out. I have never expected him to do these things alone, I always take the time out of my day to apply him for jobs, to find programs I think he might be good at or interested in and gather information on said programs. I have been applying him for administrative type jobs so that we can at least be on the same schedule, but when he found out what kinds of jobs I had been applying him for he said that he wouldn’t take them because he ‘is above that’. His resume is so all over the place and he hasn’t held a job down for longer than two years’ since we have been together, or ever, with huge gaps of unemployment in between in the past. As an almost 40 year old guy with no plan, and no retirement saved up, I feel like this should bother him, but it doesn’t seem to at all!
Honestly, I could really see past everything if he wasn’t so proud and arrogant. If he was sorry for once again putting the financial burden on me, and sorry that we once again have to put our lives on hold due to his not holding up his end of the financial bargain. He acts like I am some kind of monster for being angry about the situation and tries to turn our crappy situation on me.
I feel like he is totally unvested in our future and am angry that the prospect of us draining our savings, losing our home, and having to put off having a family does not bother him. We have never taken a real break in our 5 ½ years together, but tonight I am going to pack a bag and stay with my dad for a few weeks. I need and deserve a break from this dumpster fire.
Post # 2
(((hugs))) Im so sorry youre dealing with this. It definitely sounds like he needs a wake up call (and maybe some therapy?). I think youre doing the right thing to leave and maybe shock him into reality. He ultimately has to make better choices and hopefully the prospect of losing everything will make him realize that.
Post # 3
He is 40 and has never held a job longer than 2 years and has had large gaps of unemployment? Bee that is super concerning… In general it isn’t difficult to hold a job or to find new work and the fact that he can’t see the importance of working and looking for new work I wouldn’t be able to handle. He’s freeloading at this point; fully relying on you to take care of his needs. If you weren’t in the picture what would he do, how would he find work, pay for his house/food/etc. You shouldn’t be applying for jobs for him, you shouldn’t have to look for jobs for him, he’s not a child that needs to be shown the ropes he’s a 40 year old man that needs to get his shit together. The lack of ambition and drive (which looks like has gone on for a very long time) would have been a deal breaker for me
Post # 4
kimmacph : it is for me too. Unfortunately I am realizing this too little too late, we got together when I was 21 and he was 31, still living at home with his mom with no job. Back then I was a kid mentally, I was so into him because of what a cool party guy he was. I guess I thought that when I grew up he would too… I just didn’t realize that he was 10 years older than me and should have already done all of his growing up.
Post # 5
stlkennedy92 : So he was 31, freeloading off of mom; did you guys than move in together? Has he ever had to live on his own or has he always had someone there to take care of him?
Post # 6
kimmacph : Not that I am aware of. Always lived at home or moved in with a roomate or Girlfriend.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
Wow, bee, I am so so sorry you have to deal with this.. Sounds like his not holding a job is putting a severe financial strain on you. I think you did the right thing by packing your bags for a while, it has become apparent that he doesn’t understand or care how stressed you are all the time as a direct result of his lack of motivation. A good partner would want to ease that discomfort by getting a jump on their career and help you out around the house. 🙁
Post # 8
stlkennedy92 : “I thought that when I grew up he would too” — You are older and wiser now. He IS grown up. This is what he grew up into, and there is no reason in the world to think he is going to change. It’s not wrong of you to WISH he would change, but it is useless to HOPE that he will. What you want from him is perfectly reasonable, except that you want it from HIM when he has proven for years that that is not who he is. If you can not live happily with him exactly as he is now, then you need to leave him. He’s not going to change. You’re going to waste years of your life trying to get him to, until one of you finally decides it’s not fun anymore. You deserve better. Don’t turn a 5.5 year mistake into a 10 year mistake.
Post # 9
You should spend some time away. That sounds beyond stressful. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 10
Hmmmm… I think I used to be married to this guy…
Sorry lady, I think a break is best.
Post # 11
I’m sorry, honey. This is a sad situation. At 40, a man should be trying to find a good stable job to help provide for his wife and future children, not making his wife apply for jobs on his behalf.
Take a break, stay with your dad, and clear your head. Don’t keep doing his work for him, he’ll never learn to do it for himself. he’s always had things provided for him, it seems – a house with his parents or you, you doing the legwork on applying for jobs and educational programs, and someone taking his excuses.
take care of yourself, first and foremost. Good luck.
Post # 12
Please don’t have a kid with this man. You will then be taking on most of the financial responsibilty in addition to most of the housework and childcare, not to mention the emotional labor of keeping everything together, remembering occassions, birthdays, school activities, etc. You will be buried with little help. I am sorry, Bee. However, there is good news. You are young and will have no trouble meeting a responsible man to have an equitible relationship with and with whom you can start a family that you both support.
Post # 13
First of all, kudos to you for dealing with everything!
Second of all, no unemployed person is “above” anything. Hell, you sell cigarettes on the sidewalk if you have to.
Third, I would consider ending this relationship. He’s going to take you, your credit, your livelihood, and future down with him.
Post # 14
I’m sorry, bee, but I agree that he sounds like a loser. You’re only 30 and have plenty of time to start over with someone else. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy get to you.
Post # 15
Sounds a lot like my ex-husband, except I had children with mine before the chronic unemployment began. I’m still dealing with the debt from my former marriage and have been in and out of court attempting to enforce child support since the ink dried on the divorce judgment. He had his car repossessed last year…
Good luck, Bee. You can’t make someone else want to have a secure job, savings, and adult responsibilities.